a sweet thank you

To Holly!!!!

I won this beautiful necklace on her blog this month.  It arrived on Christmas Eve and I put it on immediately.  I've been wearing a very special necklace (with all 5 kids names on it) since Nate died. 

I couldn't bear to take that off so I just added the circle with my kids names to it.  Then...my sweet hubby got me a white gold chain for Christmas.  I never bought a proper chain for mine.  He was very thoughtful and bought a special one for me.  So, I added both charms to that chain.  It's a little busy but I love it.  It also has a WISHING STAR on it so I'm hoping that it helps make one of my wishes come true.

Thanks again Holly for being so generous!

Finding JOY at Christmas

How can these sweet faces not bring you JOY? 

I speak from my heart and I will tell you that Holiday's are always tough.  But this Christmas was much better than last years.  Last year, I felt like a deer in the headlights.  I didn't know what to do, how to act or where to go and we didn't have much help with direction.  Last year, life just seemed to go on around us...but didn't include us. 

This year, I felt like I had my feet under me.  I could plan and prepare much better.  The get together with extended family still rocked my boat but it rocked my husbands too.  It's very hard to be face to face with people that completely rejected you when you begged them (literally) to help you.  It makes you feel very insecure and very unloved. That healing is a process and the forgiveness does not come overnight (though I have prayed and prayed that it would).  Believe me, I am done with it and want to move on more than anything!

The only time that I cried was at the Christmas Eve service when our Pastor was talking about the birth of baby Jesus.  That took my head back to delivering Nate and I did shed a few tears.  But this was a huge improvement on last year.  I am grateful to be able to see how much I have healed and I am hoping that next year is even better.

We had a blast ice skating on Christmas Eve and then really enjoyed our time together as a family on Christmas.  Our day was simple but good.  Because our extended family has not been supportive, our immediate family has grown very close.  My husband always says that we had to "circle the wagons" around us to protect us from everyone else.  I'm glad that we did.  I never had a close family growing up so I'm very appreciative to have one now.  That is one of the blessings that has come from our tragedy.  That brings me JOY.

just as it should be...

...all my kids stockings together. 

I can't begin to tell you how it just melts my heart to see all my kids names together.  Oh, how I wish that Nate could be here.  There is nothing that I would want more.  But, my reality is that he is not ever going to be.  So, this is as good as it gets.

I had a difficult day with the inlaws yesterday.  I know that they mean no harm but I find it very difficult to be with people that don't get it.  It's so superficial.  There was absolutely no sensitivity to the fact that my niece was there (the same age as Nate would be) and that she was following me around everywhere.  My SIL apologized for it but didn't do ANYTHING about it.  Then we were given an ornament for Nate.  It was purchased last year but they didn't give it to us for fear that it would upset us.  Upset us?  We were already upset.  It would have meant so much to have someone....anyone... acknowledge our son.  None of them ever even mention his name.  Oh, how I am so glad that the day is over.

There is a large family get together today.  We are not attending.  We do not have any desire to spend our holiday with people that abandoned us when we were drowning and then blamed us (mostly me) for their poor behavior.  Instead, we are taking the kids ice skating and to In-n-Out burger for dinner.  It will be a good day.  I am going to make sure of that.

I am grateful that this year is better than the last and hopeful that next year will be better than this year.  Hugs to all of you that are navigating the same path.  It's extremely difficult but we will persevere.

card

This ended up being our Christmas card this year.  I'm happy with the way that it turned out.  It's always hard for me to start with a blank document and figure out what to do.  Especially when you have a child that's deceased.  It's such a fine line on how to incorporate that...if at all.  I ended up with a card that's right for me.  I can't worry about making other people uncomfortable.  This is my life and YES, it's uncomfortable!!!!

Still hoping and praying that by next year our family will look different.

gift

Yesterday, I received a wonderful gift.  It was from a woman at our church that I was in a bible study with a few years ago. We aren't close...which is probably why this gift is so meaningful.  Here's what it was: 


The kids have been saving for the past year to buy a goat from world vision to help out a hungry, needy family somewhere in the world. We decided to donate this in memory of Nathan to help other children prosper in his name. You are in our prayers this holiday season.



This is expecially meaningful because our family doesn't even speak his name much less do something like this.  I can't even begin to explain how much it means for someone to remember my son.  WOW.  I just love it when people that you don't expect to lift you up actually do.  And it was perfect timing.  Yesterday was a really rough day. 

remembering...

I've been jealous that so many of you have wonderful ornaments on your tree to remember your babies.  I wanted that too.  Last week I was running through the mall and I caught my eye on an ornament.  I was running late for school pickup and shouldn't have stopped...but I had to get it.  This is the ornament that I bought for my son.

I haven't bought anything for Nate with the exception of a few clothes to bring him home from the hospital in.  We ended up burying him in those clothes and I never got to see what they looked like on him.  It feels good to buy something for him.

I was mistaken in a previous post.  I said that we didn't receive any ornaments last year.  We actually received one from the support group that we attended at a local church.  They gave them to us back in July of 08 so I had forgotten about it.  It was very sweet.  It feels good to have it on my tree and know that someone else was thinking of him too!

mailman

That darn mailman has been messing with my JOY this week. Okay, so it's not really the mailman's fault but he's the one that I'm blamin' for the purpose of this post.


I wondered if we would receive Christmas cards this year. I cut my outgoing list down DRAMATICALLY and since we rarely hear from our old friends and family I wasn't expecting cards. But, to my surprise (and I'm not sure that it's a good surprise), we are receiving a few cards a day. Each day I am finding myself feeling like I was punched in the stomach and knocked down as I open the cards.

On Monday I received a card from a cousin that lives across the country and with whom I am not at all close with. She had a baby boy a week after Nate was born. I knew that it would be hard to open her card and see what Nate would look like at 21 months. It ended up being even harder when I opened the card to see that she already has ANOTHER baby boy!!!! All this time...we've been trying and she already has another blessing in her arms. Boy did that one sting.


Then yesterday, I opened a card from my SIL. Let me preface this by saying that I hold nothing against her personally. She couldn't have known. But her card said "wishing you"...and then her kids were wearing shirts with a J-O-Y on them. This past year, I have been working so HARD on finding JOY again. I am finally at the place where I am living it and sharing it. So that's what I put on my card. "Wishing you JOY this Christmas". I haven't mailed mine out and there's no way that she could have known. But I still feel like "that's mine"! I'm the one that has worked so hard and I've earned that sentiment. 


Now I realize that my feelings are well, let's just say lame. I know that. But I'm still feeling them and fighting them. I guess I haven't really earned my JOY claim. Maybe I should be the one to change my card.  UGH!!!


Then today, another card from another family member that said hurtful things and then walked away. It was a family photo that included another baby boy. Oh, it's so hard to see all of these happy families with their beautiful babies. It just makes my heart ache for Nate!!!!

I know that for the next 2 weeks the cards will arrive.  Some will be nice.  Some will be thoughtful and some will sting.  I don't want them to but I know that they will. 

I'm focusing on this verse today because I feel weak:

My gracious favor is all you need.  My power works best in your weakness.  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.

2 Cor 12:9


*** as a side note, I had my Christmas card finished and printed but it didn't feel "right". So, I've decided to add Nate's name to it and say "in loving memory". I just can't bring myself to leave him out. He's part of our family and I don't care what people think. I'll post it when it's done.