feelin' like a big huge failure...

Last year I was able to make these awesome Mother's Day gift bags for some of the sweet mama's that were fighting for their kids' lives in the hospital.

I commited to doing it every year.

Well, Mother's Day is just around the corner and I have yet to start.  I had great intentions.  I still have great intentions.  Life just got in the way...

Repiping our entire house
Repainting much of our house after having holes cut in our walls for the above
Replacing a washer & dryer
Replacing a dishwasher
Completely insane sports schedules for 4 of my kids (you have NO idea)
A two year old that I cannot put in a jumperaroo while I get stuff done


So, today I sit here feeling like a huge failure.  

HUGE!  
My excuse...finances are tighter than ever and time is beyond maxed out.

BUT - there are sweet mama's that deserve a nice Mother's Day gift.  I need to rally.  

So...here I am.  Coming to my blog for motivation and encouragement.  I know that I can do something.  Maybe not as much as I was able to do last year.  But something nonetheless.

So, I was thinking...if anyone out there wants to make their own goodie bags and deliver them to your local children's hospital....I can print the tags and mail them to you.  Any takers?

If not, I would appreciate a "you can do it" comment.  

Sometimes...a girl just needs a little push.

horray for April

Every year I think that it will be easier...it isn't.  

I was told that the memories would fade...they haven't - at all!

March is tough.  Plain and simple.  

TOUGH!!!

Today I feel a sense of relief.  The images that replayed in my mind all month long have ceased.  The cloud that has hung over my head has blown away.  The constant battle to appreciate what I have rather than miss what I don't isn't in the forefront of my mind.  April is just easier.  Actually, that applies to every month with the exception of March.  March is just tough and I need to expect that it always will be.

In the first two years after Nate died, God kept putting Philippians 4 in front of me.  At first I was completely appalled - offended to say it mildly.  How in the world could he expect me to REJOICE when he allowed my sweet little boy to die...and in a horrific and tragic way at that.  But part of my grieving process involved me figuring this out. 

Last week, this verse popped up again in my bible study.  It's been a while since I've read it.  It definitely means something different to me now.  I can see how I have been transformed.  How I view life, myself...and God differently now.

Philippians 4
 ⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


I'm not going to allow myself to live in the a pit of grief and despair all year long.  I have been given a good life.  I have many blessings to be thankful for.  But I think it's okay that March is tough every year.  Along with the sadness comes memories of my sweet Nate Ryan.  He is always in my thoughts but during March...he is at the forefront.  I'm no grief expert but I think that's okay.  I think that's reasonable.  Many others may not.  But once you have walked my path and carried my grief, then...and only then will I consider your advice (I gained confidence from my last post).

Hugs to those of you who prayed for us, left comments or lifted us up in any way.  This is the only place that I put myself out there.  That I allow myself to be vulnerable.  That I express my feelings.  I'm grateful to have this venue (even though it's public and I can't prevent some people from reading it).

Happy April...no foolin'.