finding JOY - Day 6

Finding joy in my least favorite day of the year.  We're taking control to ensure a good day.  Therefore, we decided to skip trick or treating this year.  Too many scary and evil things out at dark.  Instead, we are letting our kids pick out their favorite bag of candy at the store and heading to Disneyland.  Looking forward to a fun family day at the "Happiest Place On Earth". 

finding JOY - Day 5

Letting Go

A week ago, during a visit with our Pastor, my husband and I had an "ah ha" moment.  We have been working hard to forgive his family for their EXTREMELY poor behavior after Nate's death.  We didn't understand how this "close, Christian family" could behave like they did.  We didn't expect that and didn't know how to deal with it.  I have been angry, resentful and crushed this past year believing that we must be horrible people to have been treated so awful. 

But, during our "ah ha" moment, we both realized that their behavior had nothing to do with us.  Our pastor explained family dynamics to us and how in particular the dynamics were working in his family.  My in-laws have always prided themselves with their claim on being a "close, Christian family".  My husbands grandparents met in church, his parents met in church and so on.  In the previous generations, everyone went to church together, celebrated together and spent endless hours together on the weekends.  I never really bought into the "close Christian family" claim because it seemed superficial which is probably why I was disliked.  But, I made a strong attempt to foster the closeness by hosting almost all of the holiday's, planning birthday celebrations, baby showers, get togethers and so on.  I put in a lot of work and really tried to give my kids the support of an extended family that I never had.

But as our pastor helped us understand, they aren't really close.  There's an ascribed value that they are.  That's the title that they've assigned to themselves so that's their belief.  But, there haven't been any divorces or tragedy's.  There has never been a reason to test that belief until Nate died.  And when they were tested...they failed with a capital F.  Because they all believe that they are a "close Christian family" they have discarded any claim or circumstance that suggests otherwise.  A "close Christian family" supports each other during a tragedy.  They don't abandon them and then accuse them of it being their fault.  But they don't want to see that because it contradicts their belief.  So, they filter it out and look for things that reinforce their belief that they are a "close Christian family".

That's where I couldn't make sense of it.  I was letting their abandonment and hurtful words crush me.  I knew that I needed to forgive them so that I could move on.  But I just didn't know how to forgive them.  Now, I think that I am finally there.  I feel like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders this past week.  It wasn't about me.  It wasn't about our son.  It was about them.  They could only deal with happy events and celebrations.  They didn't want to go to the "hard" place. 

Currently, we are receiving a lot of pressure to re-connect.  So far, we've ignored it but with the holidays approaching, I've had anxiety.  Our pastor once again explained the dynamic to us.  The reason that there is such intense pressure on us once again has to do with them.  Because we are absent from family events, they can't claim that they are a "close Christian family".  This is stirring the pot and they don't know how to deal with it.  They desperately want us to return so that they can reclaim their title. 

Now, I feel empowered to put my family first.  I'm not going to allow myself to feel guilty about them.  I'm finally feeling free.  It's good.  I can't tell you how good it feels.

finding JOY - Day 4

Choices...

In my quest for JOY, I am finding myself making different choices this week.  Until recently, I was not in a place that I was strong enough to make a choice.  I was simply a bystander in my own life and watched as it passed me by.  Sometimes, life and circumstances would push me under water.  Sometimes, I couldn't breathe.  More often than not I was drowning.  But I wasn't able to take control.  I wasn't able to save myself.  But now, I am.  Now, I am strong enough to stretch myself.  Now I want and am able to demand more of myself.

So as I travel through my experimental week.  I am discovering that I am making different choices as I run into obstacles.  I see them as a road block and I recognize the power that I have surrendered to them.  I have let my obstacles determine my fate in many, many ways.  This week, I am choosing differently...

• I HATE the party stores this time of year but needed to find an army hat for my sons army costume.  Yesterday, I had a few minutes before school pickup so I ventured in.  I quickly found the hat and made my way to the register avoiding the majority of the halloween decorations.  But one caught my eye.  It was a tiny skeleton hanging on the wall.  I tried to look away but I couldn't.  As my eyes fixated on this image, I couldn't help but think that it was about the same size as Nate.  I pictured Nate lying in his coffin and determined that this was what my son now looked like.  I was tempted to pick up the skeleton and hold it.  Just to see what it felt like.  For a moment, I stood there.  I wanted so desperately to hold something that felt like my son but I knew that if I tested those waters, I would surely go under.  I was not going to let this obstacle have control over my day.  I made a decision to take a moment to tell Nate how much I loved him and missed him.  Then I purchased the army hat for Noah and told myself that I was going to appreciate what I had and not what was taken.  The old me would have been visibly shaken with tears running down my face.  But this time, I walked out of the store with a smile and a new found confidence.

• I have only seen my husbands extended family once in the last year+.  It was at the funeral for my father-in-law.  On Tuesday, I ran into some of his family at Disneyland.  There must have been 25,000 people there that day and I had to come face to face with family.  It was uncomfortable.  I became unsettled.  But, I knew that this week I was not going down my old road.  I was choosing a different path.  I walked by with a warm hello and then excused myself politely with the explanation that I was in a hurry to pick up Shayna from school (100% truth).  The old me would have crumbled when when I unexpectedly ran into them.  I would have wondered what they were thinking.  I would have wondered why they left us in the middle of the ocean drowning.  I would have wondered why they didn't care about us.  I would have replayed the interaction a million times and let it ruin my day.  But this time, I did not.  I pushed it to the back of my thoughts and decided to let it go. 

• Yesterday, I ran into someone at school that used to be close with our family.  They were "there for us" after Nate died but got worn out and bailed many months ago.  Now when I run into them, I usually cower.  I turn into this little insecure, hurt and weak person.  I have allowed their rejection to have power over me.  This time... I didn't.  I politely said hello to which I received a hesitant and unquestionably uncomfortable hello in response.  The same thing happened two months ago at school registration and I let it ruin my day.  Not any more.  This time, I made a choice to acknowledge the disappointment and then move on.  I reminded myself of the new friends that I've made and how much they like me.  It's okay if there are people out there that don't like me.  Really...it's okay.

So, halfway through my experiment I can see the growth within myself.  The next few days will be a big test.  Halloween is approaching.  But my JOY experiment is giving me confidence.  I like who I am becoming.

finding JOY - Day 3

Footprints

I wasn't raised in a Christian family.  I found God by watching Little House on the Prairie as a child.  When I was a teenager, I used my own money to buy a picture with the Footprints prayer on it.  I hung it on my bathroom wall and read it everyday. 

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;

One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before us,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life,

There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life

This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

You would walk with me all the way;

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,

There is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why in times when I

needed you the most, you should leave me.


The Lord replied, "My precious, precious

child. I love you, and I would never,

never leave you during your times of

trial and suffering.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

Footprints have always had an impact on my life.  I had a "family set" on my Suburban before Nate but for the last year and a half I have felt like a fraud.  I've been driving around without his prints included.  He is part of our family and he does count.  I needed to get his footprints on there but didn't know how to represent him.   So, a few weeks ago, a dear blogging friend, Jodi made a custom set for me.  This time, Nate was included. I feel so much better now.  Thank you so much Jodi!!!

Sometimes, I wonder what people think when they are stopped behind me at a red light.  I wonder if they feel sorry for me or if they think that I'm on prozac (not that there's anything wrong with that).  But I'm trying not to care.  This is my life.  I'm proud of all of my children and I love them all the same. 

Today, I am living the Footprints prayer that I have treasured for more than half of my life.  Today I am letting God carry me.  He knows what the footprints mean to me.   He knows when I need to be carried.  He knows that I need Him.  I am surrendering.

finding JOY - Day 2

I recently sent an email to a woman in my community whose husband unexpectedly died last month.  I barely know her but our sons are in the same class and on the same soccer team.  I've been trying to reach out to her not knowing how much support she has.  In my email I told her that I hope that today is a good day.  She replied and said "Today IS going to be a good day".  That really struck me that someone could declare that the day was going to be "good" before it actually happened.  I find myself on the other end or that...acting more like a victim.  Just waiting to see how my day affects me instead of taking control of my day and making it good.  I want that type of confidence and strength.  I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning and declares that today is going to be a great day!!!!   

That's what I am going to do today.  Sure there are obstacles.  Many, many obstacles but I am beginning my day today by declaring that it will be good.  Today I am walking tight with the Lord.  I am going to trust Him and let Him manage my grief.  I'm taking the day off and I'm going to have a great day!


This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118.24

finding JOY -- my 7 day experiment

For the next 7 days I am committing to focusing my thoughts on being JOYOUS.  I am going to attempt to let anything that prevents me from feeling joy go bye bye.  I know that this may be easier said that done (especially Halloween week) but I am seriously going to attempt to do it.  I'm actually really excited about it and can't wait to see the affect it has on my life.


Finding joy - Day 1


Today I am filled with joy.  My son, Noah had severe asthma last week and it was terrifying.  He was having trouble breathing and his heart was racing.  My mind went right back to that horrible place when Nate died.  I didn't like being there and I'm so glad that God answered my prayers.  He said yes to me and healed my son.  Now he is running around and back to normal (still on the steroids though).

There is also blue sky everywhere today.  The clouds are white and swirly and the sun is shining bright.  My favorite kind of day.

I was wrong

I have been so caught up in my attempt to find "happy" that I didn't even realize that I was on the wrong path...again.  I know the path that I want but man-o-man it's hard to find. 

I used to be happy so that's where I was trying to get back to.  But I didn't take into consideration all of the things that are different now.  My son died, the majority of my friends left, most of our family abandoned us and my kids are growing up with the realization that life is hard and bad things happen.  How could I ever expect to get to a place that doesn't exist for me anymore?

Part of me wants to go back to the simple life where my biggest issue was that someone would stop by when my house was messy or that I would forget to wake up and my kids would be late for school.  Part of me longs for that silly stuff.  But, I am different now.  Sure, those things still bother me (I am type A) but I have much bigger issues to deal with.  I have to hold my daughter after she has a nightmare that we killed her because she couldn't save Nate.  I have to comfort my crying twins when they ask why their brother died and why God won't give us another baby.  I have to tell my kids that it's okay that most of our friends and family don't talk to us anymore and pretend like it doesn't bother me.  I have to wake up everyday and do all the things that I used to do:  make breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, clean, shop, do endless loads of laundry, take kids to school, help them with homework, take them to soccer, gymnastics and baseball, teach them about God, and be a wife to my husband eventhough I had to bury my son.  I know that I will never go back to my old "happy" again but that's the only life that I knew so that's the only path that I know.


Some of my blog followers have been telling me to "choose JOY".  Those comments always struck me but I didn't know why.  This week, I was reading a devotional about joy. 

Joy ~ Let’s explore this enchanting subject, shall we? Joy is at the heart of God Himself, and it is part of God’s plan for human beings. That said, I think the subject defies a specific definition, though I love this: “Joy is a choice. It is a matter of attitude that stems from one’s confidence in God—that He is at work, that He is in full control, that He is in the midst of whatever has happened, is happening, and will happen.” Laugh Again, Chuck Swindoll


My observations on joy ~> it is not about personality or temperament- I’ve heard people say, ‘Oh, it’s easy for you—it’s just your personality, you’re just bubbly-‘ No!


~>joy must be experienced in the moment … not tomorrow~ “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118.24 ‘Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy.’ Sarah Ban Breathnach



~>joy is not dependent on circumstances, despite what we think!


Consider with me these Scriptures: “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” Nehemiah 8.10. Jesus said, “I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete.” John 15.11 What did He tell them? “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” John 15.9,10 How do we remain in His love? Obedience to God’s Word, and letting the Spirit lead us; after all, the nine gifts of the Spirit all find a home in Jesus!


You know, Oprah runs the topic of happiness in her magazine, with great colorful photo spreads, but do not be confused, joy is so much greater than happiness, as happiness is fleeting. I love what the old preacher, Charles Spurgeon, had to say—“That word joyful is a very sweet and clear one. Happiness is a very dainty word, but yet it is somewhat insecure because it begins with a ‘hap,’ and seems to depend on a chance which may happen to the soul. We say “happy-go-lucky,” and that is very much the world’s happiness. It is a kind of thing that may hap and may not hap. But there is no hap in the fruit of the Spirit that is joy. When we are joyful or full of joy, and that of the best kind, we are favored indeed. No man takes this joy from us, and a stranger intermeddles not within it. It is a celestial fruit, and earth cannot produce its like.”



Oh, there is so much we can say, precious friends, about joy…true joy!


I realized that JOY is the path that I want. JOYFUL is where I want to be. HAPPY is superficial. HAPPY is not God. JOY is longlasting. JOY is where God is.

sunshine and swimming

The weather was 80 degrees and sunny (my favorite kind of day).  So, after I picked up the twins from pre-school, we went to the pool.  I had a lot of things to get done but I abandoned them all for a couple of hours and spent the afternoon enjoying the sunshine.  I see these forks in the road all the time.  I often choose the "task" road.  I like to stay on top of things and get overwhelmed when the tasks pile up.  So, I end up missing many fun opportunities.  In my effort to change the path that I am on (see post from last week), I am making an effort to choose the "fun" road.  Today it was a good choice.  Today there was blue sky all around.

I also wanted to share something that a friend emailed today.  I love gaining perspective from elders.  I love looking at the big picture.  I hope that you can gain something from it as well.



Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"



1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.



2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.



3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.



4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.



5. Pay off your credit cards every month.



6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.



7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.



8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.



9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.


10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.


11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.



12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.



13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.



14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.




15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.



16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.



17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.



18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.



19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.


20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.



21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.



22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.




23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.



24. The most important sex organ is the brain.


25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.



26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'



27. Always choose life.



28. Forgive everyone everything.



29. What other people think of you is none of your business.




30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.




31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.



32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.



33. Believe in miracles.



34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.



35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.



36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.



37. Your children get only one childhood.



38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.



39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.



40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.




41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.



42. The best is yet to come.



43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.



44. Yield.



45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's "still a gift."

Today

For any of you that don't know, today is pregnancy and infant loss memory day.  Many of us mommies from all over the nation will be honoring our sweet babies by candlelight tonight. 

I'm sad that I'm part of this club.  I'm sad that there are so many members.  No one should have to live with this heartache.  But this is my life and I can't change it.  I just have to find a way to get through it.  I will.

Looking forward to a new day tomorrow with a new promise. 

ready for happy

I'm tired of smiling through the tears in my eyes
I'm tired of laughing when I feeling like crying
I'm tired of feeling like I am invisible to the world
I'm tired of cringing when I hear about everyone else's happiness
I'm tired of being filled with fear that I will face another tragedy
I'm tired of hoping that people will want to be my friend
I'm tired of people ignoring the fact that my son died
I'm tired of family pretending like nothing ever happened
I'm tired of living with fear and anger
I'm tired of praying for God to finally say "yes"
I'm tired of waiting for the pain to go away
I'm tired of wanting my old life back
I'm tired of wishing that people would understand me
I'm tired of looking up at gray clouds in the sky
I'm tired of wondering if I'll ever be happy again

I'm ready to smile with pure joy and happiness
I'm ready to laugh because I love my life
I'm ready to be a part of this world rather than watch it pass me by
I'm ready to rejoice in the blessings of others
I'm ready to trust God with my life and my future
I'm ready to BE a friend instead of always needing a friend
I'm reading to tell people about my son so that he is not forgotten
I'm ready to forgive family for failing miserably
I'm ready to trust God and denounce Satan
I'm ready to be content with my family as it is and not how I want it to be
I'm ready to tell the pain to leave so that joy can replace it
I'm ready to embrace my life and treasure what I have
I'm ready to accept that some people will never understand
I'm ready for my world to be filled with blue sky
I'm ready to be happy!!!


Really, I'm ready to be happy!!!  I just need to figure out how to get there.

from my daughter

My 11 year old daughter, Shayna wrote a beautiful essay that I wanted to share.  She was given the assignment "beauty is..." and she decided to write about her brother.  She wrote of her memories and even went to his website to copy some of her favorite photos (the ones she has framed in her room).  This assignment brought about a lot of tears and I had the opportunity to have some really good and healing conversations with her.  She finished it last night and with an equal amount of pride and fear in her eyes, asked me to read it.  She was so proud of her work and yet scared that it would make Mommy cry.  She hates to see me cry.  I managed to hold myself together and tell her what an amazing job she did.  I am one lucky mommy.  See for yourself:

Beauty Is….
In my eyes, beauty is my baby brother who passed away almost a year and a half ago because he was an angel on Earth. On March 5, 2008 Nathan Ryan Larson was born in CHLA (Children’s Hospital Los Angeles). Sadly, he was born with a heart problem. He was missing a lot of parts in his heart area. Good news came when they discovered that he had a lot of those parts but they were extremely small. As soon as he came out, the doctors put him on a breathing tube and an oxygen tube that went into his nostrils and a bunch of other tubes and IV’s. Four days after Nathan was born, they operated on him. When he came out, he had a scar across his stomach (My mom said that it would get smaller as he grew bigger). When I came to visit to him, he always had a ton of tubes and IVs in him. I hated to see him suffer and all I wanted was to have him get better and come home. Miserably, he never made it to that point in his short life.

Things were starting to look up when the doctors took off the breathing tube, but it turned out he needed it so they put it back on. He had a couple of good days so they tried again to take off his breathing tube. It was off for a day and then put back on again couple days later, they tried one more time and it was never put back on, and the best part was that I got to watch them take it off. Nathan had a good week and they decided to transport him to CHOC. This would be more convenient for us because then we wouldn’t have to drive very far. CHOC was a lot cleaner and it didn’t look much like a hospital. The only thing bad was that the doctors were not as good and CHLA’s were trained better. Nathan was transported in a helicopter with my dad. When he got there he had a week that was all uphill. One day, I was with my mom and the nurse let us give him a “bath”. This was really a rubdown with a cloth and warm water. He was screaming the whole time. After his “bath”, I got to sit down and hold him. This was my third time. As soon as he was in my arms, Nathan stopped screaming and looked up at me with such admiration, I had to giggle a little bit. Two days later, my mom brought an outfit and asked the doctors if she could put it on him. By this time, almost all of his tubes and IV’s were gone, and he was so close to looking like a normal baby. Nathan wore that outfit all day and my mom got plenty of pictures of him and I’m sure glad she did. I got to hold him one last time that day and he looked up at me and looked like he wanted to say something to me, his oldest sister. I held his hand and he wrapped his fingers around my finger and made some noises. I’m pretty sure that they were meant to say, “I love you”. Beauty all around.

The next day was kind of a blur to me, but I’ll do my best to tell you what happened. My mom was going to try to breast feed him and the next thing I knew, my dad was paged to come immediately to her side. He pulled me aside and took my hands and prayed with me. Suddenly, everyone who was close to us like friends and family came to stay with my siblings and I, who had no idea what was happening. It was the longest two hours in my life and I still cry when I think about that day. Finally, we met them in the hall and they broke the news: Nathan Ryan Larson, my baby brother, only 25 days old died. Even though he had all those tubes and he was on lots of medications, he is still my brother and the most beautiful thing that had ever graced this planet. To many people, a sick baby with tubes, IV’s and scars all over him may not be beautiful on the outside, but if I learned anything from Nathan, it’s that you shouldn’t judge people by what they look like, but what matters on the inside. He is now an angel in heaven where he is wanted most by ones who love him more than you can ever imagine. Beauty was always surrounding him and you would take one look at him and know that love was all that mattered in this world.

on a roll

Still trying so hard to focus on the good.  This weekend my husband and I went out with some really close friends to celebrate our birthdays (we're 9 days apart).   We decided to skip the "nice" dinner and go to a sports bar so that my husband could watch the USC game (aren't I sweet).  The food was actually pretty good and we had a really good time with our friends.  It was even topped off by a huge win for USC -- go Trojans!  It's so good for us to be with people that "get" us and allow us to be real -- both good and bad!

Then we went to The Improv!!!  We saw a great comedy show with Kevin Nealon.  He's doing a show on Showtime called Weeds which I've never heard of but I used to watch him on Saturday night live back in the 90's.  He was so funny!  Even the comics that opened for him were hilarious.  We laughed so hard.  It is such a relief to laugh and feel normal again.  There were a few hospital & baby jokes thrown in throughout the night but I just let those fly by without a second thought.  I was determined to enjoy myself. 

It felt so incredibly good to be HAPPY.  I have to work hard at it so often.  It's nice when it just happens and I don't have to put in the work.

Good Stuff

My posts are sounding pretty depressing so I thought that I would share some of the good stuff.  My life is FILLED with good stuff.  Despite my heartache, I am lucky.  Often times, I just focus on the bad.  I'm making a concerted effort not to do that. 

My girls had such wonderful parties.  I really try and put together wonderful events so that they'll have fond memories.  It worked.  All 3 of them had a great time and I have pictures to prove it!

Shayna took 13 friends to see FAME and then dinner at California Pizza Kitchen.  Here's part of her thank you card that I'm sending out:

For the twins, we had a backyard party with a jump house and Princess Belle.  We've been watching Cake Boss on TLC so the kids REALLY wanted to make the twins birthday cakes.  It took 8 hours total (with lots of errands and trips to and from school in between).  I doubt that I'll do it again but I think that their "princess tiara" cakes turned out pretty darn cute.  Especially since it's the first decorated cakes that I've ever made.  Here's part of their thank you card that I'm sending out:

I'm almost done with thank you cards.  My husband's birthday is tomorrow so we'll be making our 5th trip to Disneyland in 2 weeks and then I'm done with birthdays.  I get a lot of joy from them but they also wipe me out!  I love looking back at the pictures.  That's my reward.  It's a good one!

October

I've been trying to get some photos up from the birthday parties but life has just been so busy.  I should be doing that right now.  But, I felt a strong need to write this post instead.

October is here.  It's always been my least favorite month of the year.  It's dark when we have to get up for school which makes climbing out of bed very difficult.  It's dark after dinner so we can't play outside anymore.  There's a chill in the air and that doesn't work well for a tank top and flip flops type of girl like me (although that's what I'm wearing today).  Sickness starts spreading around like crazy.  The blue skies diminish and are replaced by gray, cloudy skies.  And...all of the yucky Halloween decorations come out of the boxes and are prominently displayed in front of our neighbors houses.

I've always struggled with Halloween.  I know that it's Satan's holiday and not Gods.  But, I thought that it would be okay if I just dressed my kids in fun costumes that allowed  them to pretend to be someone else.  I thought that it was okay as long as I didn't dress my kids like a witch or a devil or any other evil creature.  But that strategy doesn't work in my neighborhood.

Last year, October was miserable.  I didn't want to leave my house.  I was constantly faced with skeletons, grave markers, coffins and evil creatures hanging from the tree branches.  It really tormented me.  Today, I find myself feeling the same way.  As I drove my kids to school, I saw numerous grave stones around our neighborhood.  All I could think of was that my son is lying in the ground and I still haven't picked out his stone.  And then I saw the skeletons hanging on the front porches.  All I could think of was what Nate's sweet little body looks like now.  And then I saw a  coffin on someones porch.  All I could think was that my son will never come out of his coffin (his body that is).  I don't know how people can consider these "decorations".  I don't understand why this is a good thing.  It's going to be a long month.