a sweet thank you

To Holly!!!!

I won this beautiful necklace on her blog this month.  It arrived on Christmas Eve and I put it on immediately.  I've been wearing a very special necklace (with all 5 kids names on it) since Nate died. 

I couldn't bear to take that off so I just added the circle with my kids names to it.  Then...my sweet hubby got me a white gold chain for Christmas.  I never bought a proper chain for mine.  He was very thoughtful and bought a special one for me.  So, I added both charms to that chain.  It's a little busy but I love it.  It also has a WISHING STAR on it so I'm hoping that it helps make one of my wishes come true.

Thanks again Holly for being so generous!

Finding JOY at Christmas

How can these sweet faces not bring you JOY? 

I speak from my heart and I will tell you that Holiday's are always tough.  But this Christmas was much better than last years.  Last year, I felt like a deer in the headlights.  I didn't know what to do, how to act or where to go and we didn't have much help with direction.  Last year, life just seemed to go on around us...but didn't include us. 

This year, I felt like I had my feet under me.  I could plan and prepare much better.  The get together with extended family still rocked my boat but it rocked my husbands too.  It's very hard to be face to face with people that completely rejected you when you begged them (literally) to help you.  It makes you feel very insecure and very unloved. That healing is a process and the forgiveness does not come overnight (though I have prayed and prayed that it would).  Believe me, I am done with it and want to move on more than anything!

The only time that I cried was at the Christmas Eve service when our Pastor was talking about the birth of baby Jesus.  That took my head back to delivering Nate and I did shed a few tears.  But this was a huge improvement on last year.  I am grateful to be able to see how much I have healed and I am hoping that next year is even better.

We had a blast ice skating on Christmas Eve and then really enjoyed our time together as a family on Christmas.  Our day was simple but good.  Because our extended family has not been supportive, our immediate family has grown very close.  My husband always says that we had to "circle the wagons" around us to protect us from everyone else.  I'm glad that we did.  I never had a close family growing up so I'm very appreciative to have one now.  That is one of the blessings that has come from our tragedy.  That brings me JOY.

just as it should be...

...all my kids stockings together. 

I can't begin to tell you how it just melts my heart to see all my kids names together.  Oh, how I wish that Nate could be here.  There is nothing that I would want more.  But, my reality is that he is not ever going to be.  So, this is as good as it gets.

I had a difficult day with the inlaws yesterday.  I know that they mean no harm but I find it very difficult to be with people that don't get it.  It's so superficial.  There was absolutely no sensitivity to the fact that my niece was there (the same age as Nate would be) and that she was following me around everywhere.  My SIL apologized for it but didn't do ANYTHING about it.  Then we were given an ornament for Nate.  It was purchased last year but they didn't give it to us for fear that it would upset us.  Upset us?  We were already upset.  It would have meant so much to have someone....anyone... acknowledge our son.  None of them ever even mention his name.  Oh, how I am so glad that the day is over.

There is a large family get together today.  We are not attending.  We do not have any desire to spend our holiday with people that abandoned us when we were drowning and then blamed us (mostly me) for their poor behavior.  Instead, we are taking the kids ice skating and to In-n-Out burger for dinner.  It will be a good day.  I am going to make sure of that.

I am grateful that this year is better than the last and hopeful that next year will be better than this year.  Hugs to all of you that are navigating the same path.  It's extremely difficult but we will persevere.

card

This ended up being our Christmas card this year.  I'm happy with the way that it turned out.  It's always hard for me to start with a blank document and figure out what to do.  Especially when you have a child that's deceased.  It's such a fine line on how to incorporate that...if at all.  I ended up with a card that's right for me.  I can't worry about making other people uncomfortable.  This is my life and YES, it's uncomfortable!!!!

Still hoping and praying that by next year our family will look different.

gift

Yesterday, I received a wonderful gift.  It was from a woman at our church that I was in a bible study with a few years ago. We aren't close...which is probably why this gift is so meaningful.  Here's what it was: 


The kids have been saving for the past year to buy a goat from world vision to help out a hungry, needy family somewhere in the world. We decided to donate this in memory of Nathan to help other children prosper in his name. You are in our prayers this holiday season.



This is expecially meaningful because our family doesn't even speak his name much less do something like this.  I can't even begin to explain how much it means for someone to remember my son.  WOW.  I just love it when people that you don't expect to lift you up actually do.  And it was perfect timing.  Yesterday was a really rough day. 

remembering...

I've been jealous that so many of you have wonderful ornaments on your tree to remember your babies.  I wanted that too.  Last week I was running through the mall and I caught my eye on an ornament.  I was running late for school pickup and shouldn't have stopped...but I had to get it.  This is the ornament that I bought for my son.

I haven't bought anything for Nate with the exception of a few clothes to bring him home from the hospital in.  We ended up burying him in those clothes and I never got to see what they looked like on him.  It feels good to buy something for him.

I was mistaken in a previous post.  I said that we didn't receive any ornaments last year.  We actually received one from the support group that we attended at a local church.  They gave them to us back in July of 08 so I had forgotten about it.  It was very sweet.  It feels good to have it on my tree and know that someone else was thinking of him too!

mailman

That darn mailman has been messing with my JOY this week. Okay, so it's not really the mailman's fault but he's the one that I'm blamin' for the purpose of this post.


I wondered if we would receive Christmas cards this year. I cut my outgoing list down DRAMATICALLY and since we rarely hear from our old friends and family I wasn't expecting cards. But, to my surprise (and I'm not sure that it's a good surprise), we are receiving a few cards a day. Each day I am finding myself feeling like I was punched in the stomach and knocked down as I open the cards.

On Monday I received a card from a cousin that lives across the country and with whom I am not at all close with. She had a baby boy a week after Nate was born. I knew that it would be hard to open her card and see what Nate would look like at 21 months. It ended up being even harder when I opened the card to see that she already has ANOTHER baby boy!!!!  Boy did that one sting.


Then yesterday, I opened a card from my SIL. Let me preface this by saying that I hold nothing against her personally. She couldn't have known. But her card said "wishing you"...and then her kids were wearing shirts with a J-O-Y on them. This past year, I have been working so HARD on finding JOY again. I am finally at the place where I am living it and sharing it. So that's what I put on my card. "Wishing you JOY this Christmas". I haven't mailed mine out and there's no way that she could have known. But I still feel like "that's mine"! I'm the one that has worked so hard and I've earned that sentiment. 


Now I realize that my feelings are well, let's just say lame. I know that. But I'm still feeling them and fighting them. I guess I haven't really earned my JOY claim. Maybe I should be the one to change my card.  UGH!!!


Then today, another card from another family member that said hurtful things and then walked away. It was a family photo that included another baby boy. Oh, it's so hard to see all of these happy families with their beautiful babies. It just makes my heart ache for Nate!!!!

I know that for the next 2 weeks the cards will arrive.  Some will be nice.  Some will be thoughtful and some will sting.  I don't want them to but I know that they will. 

I'm focusing on this verse today because I feel weak:

My gracious favor is all you need.  My power works best in your weakness.  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.

2 Cor 12:9


*** as a side note, I had my Christmas card finished and printed but it didn't feel "right". So, I've decided to add Nate's name to it and say "in loving memory". I just can't bring myself to leave him out. He's part of our family and I don't care what people think. I'll post it when it's done.

Christmas Memories - Walking With You

Sadly, I don't have a lot to share. Last year was our first Christmas without Nate and I was so miserable that I didn't think much about honoring him or creating memories.  I know that I didn't want to celebrate the season.  I waited until mid-December to put up our tree and I only did minimal decorations. It was such a difficult month.  There wasn't much JOY in our home.


I was really sad when we put up all our stockings because Nate's name wasn't there. I wanted to get him a stocking but I thought that was a crazy idea so I didn't tell my husband. Then another baby loss family told us about their stocking and that allowed me the permission to go out and get one for him. I don't know why I needed permission but I have never navigated this path and I didn't know right from wrong. It felt good to see his name hanging from our mantle with our other kids. Some days I stared at it. Other days I avoided looking because the pain was too deep. I liked seeing all our kids names together. One thing in our life was as it should be:  all our kids had stockings hanging over the fireplace.   We decided that we would each put messages in his stocking every year.  I really like that tradition.   It will be a good way to connect our family at Christmas.



This year I plan on buying Nate a special ornament (or 2...or 3). I didn't do that last year and I wish that I did. To be honest, I thought that we would receive some as gifts from friends and family...but we didn't.  Actually, that's not true.  We did receive one but it was from a family member that completely abandoned us so the gift was more bitter than sweet.  

Not receiving any special gifts to remember and honor Nate was just one more disappointment.  One more reason that Christmas was so hard.  There was no tangible evidence that anyone was thinking of us or Nate.  I let that crush me.  So, this year I am going to take control and buy some for him.  I'll let you know what I get.  I'm actually looking forward to it.
 
I'm looking forward to reading about how everyone else is honoring their children. I am hoping to get some good ideas from all of you.

Last Year

Many of my blogging friends have been posting about how hard it is to go through their first Christmas.  As I read their posts, I vividly remember feeling the same way.  I know exactly what they are going through.

Last year, I was in a miserable place. Last year my heart was so broken that it was barely beating. I was so sad that I was begging God to strike me down because I didn't want to get up. I hated my life and I really wanted to die. The pain was just too much for any sane person to handle. I didn't want to go through Christmas without Nate. After all, Christmas is about the birth of a baby boy. And my baby boy wasn't here. It was supposed to be his first Christmas. We were supposed to be watching him crawl around and tear open the presents. We were supposed to take our annual family photo and he was supposed to be in it.

I was determined to create a card last year because it was my only opportunity to have him in it. It was his one and only appearance on our Christmas card. So, I did what I could to honor him and I was happy with the way that it turned out. I decided not to do a mass mailing. Most people probably thought that I didn't even do a card.  I only handed them out to people that took the time to be with us. That wasn't very many people. So I wanted to share it with you.

Christmas 2008

If Nate would have lived, life would have been hard because there is a chance that we would have been in the hospital for his heart defect. But it never would have been this hard. This pain is truly unimaginable.

Last year, we were so alone. No one had time for us. We watched as all our old friends and family chased their tales around during the month of December. I remember thinking how ridiculous it looked and I knew for certain that I used to do the same things.

• Rushing around to buy the perfect presents for everyone I knew at the best price possible.
• Spending hours making sure that my house was perfectly decorated.
• Going to every single party and event that we were invited to.
• Addressing and mailing Christmas cards to 200 of my closest friends and family.
• Making homemade hot fudge to give to the neighbors.
• Making homemade quiches that I would deliver to friends.
• Making dozens and dozens and dozens of Christmas cookies for entertaining family.

I was so busy that I didn't even allow myself the time to enjoy my family or the true reason for Christmas. I was so busy that I didn't realize that I was missing out on what I really wanted my life to be about. God and family.


Last year I realized who I was and who I wanted to be (okay so I'm still figuring that one out). Last year I sat back and only did the minimum of everything. I didn't want to decorate or bake or shop or wrap. So, I only did what was necessary for my kids. I focused on them and let everything else go. It was good. I needed that. It was a sad Christmas but I liked the simplicity of it all. I hope that I never go back to my old way of celebrating Christmas. It was about all the Christmas stuff. I like it better now that it's all about my family and the meaning of Christmas.

11 1/2 hours later

I finished painting my daughter's room.  I suppose that I should have been decorating the house for Christmas but instead I spent 2 days last week painting.  My 11 year old is so happy (and my muscles were so sore).  She didn't like her "pink" room and I had told her that I would re-do it when she went to middle school.  The past few years have crept up on me and now it was finally time.  I'm sad that she's 11 and no longer has her "little girl" room.  But I'm so grateful that she sleeps in her bed every night and I get to watch her grow up.  That is a blessing that most people don't fully appreciate!

By the way...I noticed that by Hot Bliggity Blog background was missing (don't know what happened there) and finally took the time to put a new one up.  I was searching for something appropriate and found this design.  It's called "little boy blue".  I knew that it would be just perfect!

honestly

I've never been good at being fake.  You may think that's a good thing but it's not always.  Sometimes, I want to pretend to be happy even when I'm not.  Sometimes, I want to have a nice conversation with someone that I don't like.  But those things are extremely hard for me.  I tend to shut down when I'm uncomfortable.  I don't think that I'm mean to them but I don't think that I'm friendly either. 

This blog is the place where I can be truly honest.  I can say what I want and tell you all how I feel.  I don't have to try and pretend about anything.  It's such a freeing feeling.  It's so nice that I don't have to worry about my "friends and family" reading this.  They have no idea that it even exists.

I've thought a lot about honesty lately.  Many times, when I meet another mom that has buried a child, they come across to me like everything is fine and they are not struggling.  It tends to make me feel like a complete failure.  It makes me feel bad that I'm not as "together" as they are and that I should "be over it by now".  Part of me wants to be them.  The person that moves along with life as if their family wasn't just turned upside down by a tragedy.  But, that's not me.  That will never be me.  I cannot pretend that Nate's death didn't change who I am.  I cannot pretend that my heart is not broken.  I don't even want to try.

I think that if I could pretend that life was just dandy, I would have more friends.  People are attracted to the "fun" ones that love life.  People don't typically want to listen to a friend talk about how much she misses her son or how hard it is to live life on a daily basis.  That's why previous generations used to just stuff it and pretend like nothing ever happened.  

When I was reading all of the grief books that I was given I had such a hard time relating to them.  I felt like they "grieved" better than me.  I felt like a complete failure when compared to how the other moms dealt with it.  I felt alone. 

I want anyone who reads this to know how vulnerable I am and I want to be transparent.  I am a real person that watched her son die a horrific death.  I kissed him goodbye and I buried him in the ground. 

I struggle with who I am and who I want to become. 
I struggle with friends who want the "old Trisha" back. 
I struggle with family who don't have a clue about how to relate to my family. 
I struggle with raising my 4 kids who desperately want their baby brother back and don't understand why God won't give us another. 
I struggle with God when He keeps saying no to my prayers.  
I struggle with finding Joy in the midst of heartache. 
I'm a changed person that is finding her way down an unknown path but I still struggle. 

I haven't posted this weekend because I was struggling with what to say.  I've been doing really well on my quest for Joy and didn't want to go backward.  But, in being true to who I am, I want to be honest.  So, I will tell you that I'm glad that Thanksgiving is behind me.  It was a struggle.  I was doing well until my husband blessed the food and thanked God that we were "all together" as a family.  I couldn't believe that he didn't acknowledge Nate.  We will never be together as a family for Thanksgiving and that is why holidays are so tough.  My Mom, who will never understand, replied that her son wasn't with her either (my 36 year old brother was sick and stayed at home).  Hardly a comparison but I should know not to expect any type of support from my mom. 

My husband felt bad and apologized about leaving out Nate.  I think that he just went into autopilot and prayed like his Father always prayed over the Thanksgiving meal.  But, our Thanksgiving will never be as his Father's was.  Our life will be good but it will never be like I want it to be.  And that my friends is the honest truth.

Thankful

Tis the season...to be thankful.  Last year I couldn't find it in me.  I really couldn't.  My grief and sadness outweighed my joy by such a tremendous amount that I couldn't even see it.  I knew that I was thankful.  I knew that my life had blue sky in it.  But, all I could see were the dark gray clouds. 

This year, I have a lot of blue sky around me.  This year, I am truly thankful.  I know how much that I take for granted every day.  I know that many people don't even have clean water to drink.  I want to appreciate what I have.  I want to rejoice about my many blessings.


I am thankful for my husband who loves me even despite my flaws
and for my 4 healthy children that light up my life.

I am thankful that I live in a beautiful house
and that I am able to raise my kids in a safe neighborhood.

I am thankful that I am physically healthy
and I can run, swim, play soccer, ride bikes and rollerblade with my kids.

I am thankful that we have friends
and they are no longer fair-weathered friends that will leave when times get tough.

I am thankful that my husband has a job
and that he can provide all the "needs" and many of the "wants" for our family.

I am thankful that if Nate can't be with me that he is in Heaven
and that I know he is safe and being well taken care of.

I am thankful that my anger at the people who abandoned us when Nate died is lifting
and I am able to interact with most people without having an anxiety attack.

I am thankful that I am still here on earth with my kids and my husband
and that God didn't strike me down when I begged Him to.

I am thankful for the support that I've found from other mommies who just "know"
and that God has allowed me to feel loved by them.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

next step

At present, I am doing a bible study titled Life's Healing Choices.  It's perfect for me at this point in my life.  As I attempt to heal from Nate's death and move forward, I'm still carrying the baggage of resentment and anger.  I'm still hurt by things that our family said to us, did to us and didn't do for us.  I still can't believe that they behaved that way.  But, I desperately want to put it behind me.  I want to move forward.  I'm tired of talking about forgiveness...I want to forgive.

I love the book of Job.  There are so many good lessons in there.  So, this is going to be my prayer for the week -- one day at a time:

Put your heart right...Reach out to God...Then face the world again, firm and courageous. Then all your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more. (Job 11:13, 15-16 TEV)


I am tired of living my life in fear.  I'm tired of hiding from them.  I want to be in a place where I can have a healthy conversation with someone that stuck a knife through my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be friends with them.  I don't ever want to expect anything from them.  I just want to be comfortable enough to interact with them without having an anxiety attack. 



** As a side note.  I took my twins to Disneyland again today as I do most Tuesday mornings (yes I know how fortunate we are).  We were lucky enough to get to ride in the front of the monorail with the conductor.  During our 6 minute ride, she asked the typical "how many kids do you have" question and I told her about Nate.  She was an older lady and she told me that her baby died at 5 months of crib death many years ago.  She told me that it does get better but it never goes away. 

Just thought that I would share that there are so many of "us" out there.  Our fellow club members don't wear name tags and they are hard to identify.  But, we are not alone.  Many generations before us faced this walk...and they are still walking.  It gives me hope!

yikes!

Ever since my last post -- attempting to regain control and step out of my comfort zone -- I have been challenged.  I realized that I am okay with challenging myself as long as it's my decision.  As long as I am in control.  When circumstances catch me off guard, I am not reacting the way that I want to.  I am not acting like the person that I want to be.

I started my week off good.  I made the decision to buy my niece (only 4 months older than Nate and who I avoid like the plague) a birthday present.  We were not invited to the party but I decided that I needed to acknowledge the event none the less.  The easy choice (and my baby gift of choice lately) would have been to mail a gift card.  I deliberately made the decision to challenge myself and pick out an outfit for her.  So, I went to the mall and took time in selecting something that I thought would be appreciated.  Upon paying for the items, my sister-in-law walked into the same store (very small world) with the baby.  I was trying to be polite and not act uncomfortable but then she commented about how lucky that I was to be out shopping by myself and that she was jealous that I didn't have to drag around any kids.  I was caught off guard and spontaneously replied that I would trade places with her in a second.  I said goodbye and walked through the mall to my car.  The anxiety attack came on all of a sudden -- jello legs, shaking arms, tears, headache.  I was overcome with emotion. 

If I had known that I would run into her, I would have been prepared.  But I wasn't.  I'm not good in those situations and it's those situations that cause me to want to hold up in my house where I am protected from the hurts.  I can't expect everyone to "get it" but the people that I can now call my friends do.  They would never say anything like that to me because they know.  Additionally, they would have my back if someone else ever made that type of comment.  I wouldn't even have to respond because they would do it for me.  But I can't always be in their company.  I need to learn how to face these types of situations.  I need to learn how to do it well.

In addition to my mall drama, we also received an email this week from extended family inquiring about Christmas gift exchanges.  I thought that my husband and I had already decided that we were only going to exchange gifts immediate family but to my surprise, my husband responded to the email agreeing to join in with the masses.   I lost it.  Again, I was tested on how I would respond to family and I failed.  I didn't want any part of it.  I didn't want to pick out presents for the babies and I certainly didn't want to get together with them.  I'm so not where I want to be.

To top it off, we walked into church yesterday and were greeted by another family member who was church shopping.  I was almost paralyzed with fear.  I knew the right way to act and I kept telling myself to start acting that way.  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  I was just stuck.  Sadly, the message was on living life with God and saying yes to his desires and relinquishing our own control.  Boy, was I ever convicted sitting there listening to that.  Knowing how I should respond and failing to do it.  I just couldn't bring myself to have any type of conversation beyond "hello, it's good to see you".  It was one of the longest hours of my life. 

The only thing that I can report being proud of was that I had lunch with a pregnant friend on Friday.  I have avoided all pregnant people and babies since Nate died.  But, one of my friends (who's had a number of miscarriages and a AAA baby) is finally pregnant with twins.  I was worried about the interaction but I was totally fine.  In fact, I had a great time and I can't wait to do it again.  Such a relief -- maybe this one is behind me!!!!!

Bottom line is that I'm allowing my insecurities to define who I am and I'm not giving God my power.  I need to do that.  I need to change.  I feel like I deserve an F this week but as a dear friend pointed out, an F would have been awarded if I would have run away.  I didn't run so I got a C.  Passing but not good enough.  I'm a type A honors student.  I want to get an A.

conclusion

Every experiment needs a conclusion - right?  So, I'm going to attempt to sum up what I have learned this past week.

I have learned that I am stronger than I feel.  I feel like a broken, rejected and vulnerable 13 year old girl.  I feel like anytime someone says something hurtful, I take it personally and crumble.  I feel like I've been rejected by the masses and there are few people that want to be my friend.  The way that I feel has prevented me from being the person that I want to be.  My insecurities have taken control over me...and I have allowed them to.

Thorough my JOY experiment, I challenged my so called self-talk.  During the week, I made most of my decisions based on who I wanted to be and not how I felt.  I did things that I didn't feel that I could do.  I took charge of situations to ensure that they would have positive outcomes and it felt good.  I didn't realize that I was able to do some of the things that I did and react some of the ways that I reacted until I did.  Sometimes, I shocked myself.

I also learned that I have more people supporting me than I ever thought.  I can't begin to tell you how much I have appreciated all of the comments that were made on my posts and the supporting words that were given to me.  It really kept me going.  I can't imagine what that type of support would have felt like when Nate died.  Really, I can't even imagine.  But I am grateful that I am able to feel it now.  So, to everyone that has sent me an email or made a comment, I thank you.  It means more than you know.

The final lesson that I learned was that I am ready to be joyful.  I mourned Nate's death for 18 months.  I felt every single ounce of pain and experienced every emotion possible.  I lived as a grief-stricken mother.  That was good for me.  I needed to do that.  In the beginning, our counselor told us that it was important to travel through the grief.  If we tried to deny or escape it, it would come back to bite us later.  So, I allowed myself to do that.  I had many people tell me that "I should be over it by now" along the way but I wasn't.  Nothing that anyone said would have ended my season of mourning.  I needed to decide when I was ready and not a moment before. 

Now that I am ready to start living joyfully I recognize that the path will not be easy.  My heart is forever broken from Nate and there will not be a single day that passes that my soul doesn't ache for him.  I am going to allow myself to be sad when reminders hit, milestones pass and dates occur.  I'm just not going to allow myself to live in that sadness.  I'm going to demand more of myself on a day to day basis.  I think that I can do it.  I want to do it. 

Please continue to pray for me and my family.  I don't know that any of us will ever be truly healed and we have many obstacles in our way.  I know that we are going down the right path but it is not a straight one and I can't see where it's leading.  Blind faith my friends, blind faith.

finding JOY - day 7

Test

Today the joy could have easily been sucked away from me.  Two years ago today was "the day" that our lives changed forever.  On November 1, 2007 we were told that our baby "had a problem" during our 20 week ultrasound.  The doctor further explained that it appeared to be a major heart defect and from that moment on...we boarded this crazy roller coaster that we are yet to escape.  Thoughts of *what was supposed to be* were ever present on mind as soon as I woke up.  Important dates are always tough days.


However, today was a day for our family...just our family.  Our schedule is usually very crazy with soccer games, school activities and kids birthday parties.  Today was the first day since Summer that we have had completely free.  So, we slept in...and went to church.  I was feeling good until we walked in the service (a little late) and our Pastor announced that today was a very special day..."It's parent/child dedications"!  I looked at my husband and said "are you kidding me"?  I remember seeing the date in the program but completely forgot about it.  I was caught off guard.  At first, I was ready to just leave but we had already dropped the kids in their classes and we didn't want to disrupt them.  So, we walked out and sat in the lobby for a few minutes.  It was awkward.  I didn't know what I would say if someone asked us what we were doing.  I was preparing my response just in case.  "We're sitting out here because our baby died and we don't want to watch others rejoicing in their blessings" just didn't seem to match with the person that I'm trying to become.  That was what the old Trisha would have thought.  I don't want to think that way.  I don't want to be that person. 

So...this was a test.  I needed to choose differently.  I recognized that but didn't get much farther in my thoughts before our Pastor walked out and informed us that the dedications were over.  I knew that I didn't want to fail this test (though by walking out I already lowered my grade to a C) so I forced myself to go back in.  As I walked into the service, I felt like everyone was looking at me.  I felt like everyone knew why I was coming in late.  But in reality, no one was looking at us.  No one thought twice about it.  So, we sat through the service and listened to the message that God wanted us to hear.  We survived and it wasn't even that tough.  I'm grateful that the day didn't turn and go the other way.  I'm grateful that I'm getting stronger and have more of an ability to navigate my life in the direction that I want. 

finding JOY - Day 6

Finding joy in my least favorite day of the year.  We're taking control to ensure a good day.  Therefore, we decided to skip trick or treating this year.  Too many scary and evil things out at dark.  Instead, we are letting our kids pick out their favorite bag of candy at the store and heading to Disneyland.  Looking forward to a fun family day at the "Happiest Place On Earth". 

finding JOY - Day 5

Letting Go

A week ago, during a visit with our Pastor, my husband and I had an "ah ha" moment.  We have been working hard to forgive his family for their EXTREMELY poor behavior after Nate's death.  We didn't understand how this "close, Christian family" could behave like they did.  We didn't expect that and didn't know how to deal with it.  I have been angry, resentful and crushed this past year believing that we must be horrible people to have been treated so awful. 

But, during our "ah ha" moment, we both realized that their behavior had nothing to do with us.  Our pastor explained family dynamics to us and how in particular the dynamics were working in his family.  My in-laws have always prided themselves with their claim on being a "close, Christian family".  My husbands grandparents met in church, his parents met in church and so on.  In the previous generations, everyone went to church together, celebrated together and spent endless hours together on the weekends.  I never really bought into the "close Christian family" claim because it seemed superficial which is probably why I was disliked.  But, I made a strong attempt to foster the closeness by hosting almost all of the holiday's, planning birthday celebrations, baby showers, get togethers and so on.  I put in a lot of work and really tried to give my kids the support of an extended family that I never had.

But as our pastor helped us understand, they aren't really close.  There's an ascribed value that they are.  That's the title that they've assigned to themselves so that's their belief.  But, there haven't been any divorces or tragedy's.  There has never been a reason to test that belief until Nate died.  And when they were tested...they failed with a capital F.  Because they all believe that they are a "close Christian family" they have discarded any claim or circumstance that suggests otherwise.  A "close Christian family" supports each other during a tragedy.  They don't abandon them and then accuse them of it being their fault.  But they don't want to see that because it contradicts their belief.  So, they filter it out and look for things that reinforce their belief that they are a "close Christian family".

That's where I couldn't make sense of it.  I was letting their abandonment and hurtful words crush me.  I knew that I needed to forgive them so that I could move on.  But I just didn't know how to forgive them.  Now, I think that I am finally there.  I feel like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders this past week.  It wasn't about me.  It wasn't about our son.  It was about them.  They could only deal with happy events and celebrations.  They didn't want to go to the "hard" place. 

Currently, we are receiving a lot of pressure to re-connect.  So far, we've ignored it but with the holidays approaching, I've had anxiety.  Our pastor once again explained the dynamic to us.  The reason that there is such intense pressure on us once again has to do with them.  Because we are absent from family events, they can't claim that they are a "close Christian family".  This is stirring the pot and they don't know how to deal with it.  They desperately want us to return so that they can reclaim their title. 

Now, I feel empowered to put my family first.  I'm not going to allow myself to feel guilty about them.  I'm finally feeling free.  It's good.  I can't tell you how good it feels.

finding JOY - Day 4

Choices...

In my quest for JOY, I am finding myself making different choices this week.  Until recently, I was not in a place that I was strong enough to make a choice.  I was simply a bystander in my own life and watched as it passed me by.  Sometimes, life and circumstances would push me under water.  Sometimes, I couldn't breathe.  More often than not I was drowning.  But I wasn't able to take control.  I wasn't able to save myself.  But now, I am.  Now, I am strong enough to stretch myself.  Now I want and am able to demand more of myself.

So as I travel through my experimental week.  I am discovering that I am making different choices as I run into obstacles.  I see them as a road block and I recognize the power that I have surrendered to them.  I have let my obstacles determine my fate in many, many ways.  This week, I am choosing differently...

• I HATE the party stores this time of year but needed to find an army hat for my sons army costume.  Yesterday, I had a few minutes before school pickup so I ventured in.  I quickly found the hat and made my way to the register avoiding the majority of the halloween decorations.  But one caught my eye.  It was a tiny skeleton hanging on the wall.  I tried to look away but I couldn't.  As my eyes fixated on this image, I couldn't help but think that it was about the same size as Nate.  I pictured Nate lying in his coffin and determined that this was what my son now looked like.  I was tempted to pick up the skeleton and hold it.  Just to see what it felt like.  For a moment, I stood there.  I wanted so desperately to hold something that felt like my son but I knew that if I tested those waters, I would surely go under.  I was not going to let this obstacle have control over my day.  I made a decision to take a moment to tell Nate how much I loved him and missed him.  Then I purchased the army hat for Noah and told myself that I was going to appreciate what I had and not what was taken.  The old me would have been visibly shaken with tears running down my face.  But this time, I walked out of the store with a smile and a new found confidence.

• I have only seen my husbands extended family once in the last year+.  It was at the funeral for my father-in-law.  On Tuesday, I ran into some of his family at Disneyland.  There must have been 25,000 people there that day and I had to come face to face with family.  It was uncomfortable.  I became unsettled.  But, I knew that this week I was not going down my old road.  I was choosing a different path.  I walked by with a warm hello and then excused myself politely with the explanation that I was in a hurry to pick up Shayna from school (100% truth).  The old me would have crumbled when when I unexpectedly ran into them.  I would have wondered what they were thinking.  I would have wondered why they left us in the middle of the ocean drowning.  I would have wondered why they didn't care about us.  I would have replayed the interaction a million times and let it ruin my day.  But this time, I did not.  I pushed it to the back of my thoughts and decided to let it go. 

• Yesterday, I ran into someone at school that used to be close with our family.  They were "there for us" after Nate died but got worn out and bailed many months ago.  Now when I run into them, I usually cower.  I turn into this little insecure, hurt and weak person.  I have allowed their rejection to have power over me.  This time... I didn't.  I politely said hello to which I received a hesitant and unquestionably uncomfortable hello in response.  The same thing happened two months ago at school registration and I let it ruin my day.  Not any more.  This time, I made a choice to acknowledge the disappointment and then move on.  I reminded myself of the new friends that I've made and how much they like me.  It's okay if there are people out there that don't like me.  Really...it's okay.

So, halfway through my experiment I can see the growth within myself.  The next few days will be a big test.  Halloween is approaching.  But my JOY experiment is giving me confidence.  I like who I am becoming.

finding JOY - Day 3

Footprints

I wasn't raised in a Christian family.  I found God by watching Little House on the Prairie as a child.  When I was a teenager, I used my own money to buy a picture with the Footprints prayer on it.  I hung it on my bathroom wall and read it everyday. 

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;

One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before us,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life,

There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life

This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

You would walk with me all the way;

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,

There is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why in times when I

needed you the most, you should leave me.


The Lord replied, "My precious, precious

child. I love you, and I would never,

never leave you during your times of

trial and suffering.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

Footprints have always had an impact on my life.  I had a "family set" on my Suburban before Nate but for the last year and a half I have felt like a fraud.  I've been driving around without his prints included.  He is part of our family and he does count.  I needed to get his footprints on there but didn't know how to represent him.   So, a few weeks ago, a dear blogging friend, Jodi made a custom set for me.  This time, Nate was included. I feel so much better now.  Thank you so much Jodi!!!

Sometimes, I wonder what people think when they are stopped behind me at a red light.  I wonder if they feel sorry for me or if they think that I'm on prozac (not that there's anything wrong with that).  But I'm trying not to care.  This is my life.  I'm proud of all of my children and I love them all the same. 

Today, I am living the Footprints prayer that I have treasured for more than half of my life.  Today I am letting God carry me.  He knows what the footprints mean to me.   He knows when I need to be carried.  He knows that I need Him.  I am surrendering.

finding JOY - Day 2

I recently sent an email to a woman in my community whose husband unexpectedly died last month.  I barely know her but our sons are in the same class and on the same soccer team.  I've been trying to reach out to her not knowing how much support she has.  In my email I told her that I hope that today is a good day.  She replied and said "Today IS going to be a good day".  That really struck me that someone could declare that the day was going to be "good" before it actually happened.  I find myself on the other end or that...acting more like a victim.  Just waiting to see how my day affects me instead of taking control of my day and making it good.  I want that type of confidence and strength.  I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning and declares that today is going to be a great day!!!!   

That's what I am going to do today.  Sure there are obstacles.  Many, many obstacles but I am beginning my day today by declaring that it will be good.  Today I am walking tight with the Lord.  I am going to trust Him and let Him manage my grief.  I'm taking the day off and I'm going to have a great day!


This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118.24

finding JOY -- my 7 day experiment

For the next 7 days I am committing to focusing my thoughts on being JOYOUS.  I am going to attempt to let anything that prevents me from feeling joy go bye bye.  I know that this may be easier said that done (especially Halloween week) but I am seriously going to attempt to do it.  I'm actually really excited about it and can't wait to see the affect it has on my life.


Finding joy - Day 1


Today I am filled with joy.  My son, Noah had severe asthma last week and it was terrifying.  He was having trouble breathing and his heart was racing.  My mind went right back to that horrible place when Nate died.  I didn't like being there and I'm so glad that God answered my prayers.  He said yes to me and healed my son.  Now he is running around and back to normal (still on the steroids though).

There is also blue sky everywhere today.  The clouds are white and swirly and the sun is shining bright.  My favorite kind of day.

I was wrong

I have been so caught up in my attempt to find "happy" that I didn't even realize that I was on the wrong path...again.  I know the path that I want but man-o-man it's hard to find. 

I used to be happy so that's where I was trying to get back to.  But I didn't take into consideration all of the things that are different now.  My son died, the majority of my friends left, most of our family abandoned us and my kids are growing up with the realization that life is hard and bad things happen.  How could I ever expect to get to a place that doesn't exist for me anymore?

Part of me wants to go back to the simple life where my biggest issue was that someone would stop by when my house was messy or that I would forget to wake up and my kids would be late for school.  Part of me longs for that silly stuff.  But, I am different now.  Sure, those things still bother me (I am type A) but I have much bigger issues to deal with.  I have to hold my daughter after she has a nightmare that we killed her because she couldn't save Nate.  I have to comfort my crying twins when they ask why their brother died and why God won't give us another baby.  I have to tell my kids that it's okay that most of our friends and family don't talk to us anymore and pretend like it doesn't bother me.  I have to wake up everyday and do all the things that I used to do:  make breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, clean, shop, do endless loads of laundry, take kids to school, help them with homework, take them to soccer, gymnastics and baseball, teach them about God, and be a wife to my husband eventhough I had to bury my son.  I know that I will never go back to my old "happy" again but that's the only life that I knew so that's the only path that I know.


Some of my blog followers have been telling me to "choose JOY".  Those comments always struck me but I didn't know why.  This week, I was reading a devotional about joy. 

Joy ~ Let’s explore this enchanting subject, shall we? Joy is at the heart of God Himself, and it is part of God’s plan for human beings. That said, I think the subject defies a specific definition, though I love this: “Joy is a choice. It is a matter of attitude that stems from one’s confidence in God—that He is at work, that He is in full control, that He is in the midst of whatever has happened, is happening, and will happen.” Laugh Again, Chuck Swindoll


My observations on joy ~> it is not about personality or temperament- I’ve heard people say, ‘Oh, it’s easy for you—it’s just your personality, you’re just bubbly-‘ No!


~>joy must be experienced in the moment … not tomorrow~ “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118.24 ‘Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy.’ Sarah Ban Breathnach



~>joy is not dependent on circumstances, despite what we think!


Consider with me these Scriptures: “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” Nehemiah 8.10. Jesus said, “I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete.” John 15.11 What did He tell them? “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” John 15.9,10 How do we remain in His love? Obedience to God’s Word, and letting the Spirit lead us; after all, the nine gifts of the Spirit all find a home in Jesus!


You know, Oprah runs the topic of happiness in her magazine, with great colorful photo spreads, but do not be confused, joy is so much greater than happiness, as happiness is fleeting. I love what the old preacher, Charles Spurgeon, had to say—“That word joyful is a very sweet and clear one. Happiness is a very dainty word, but yet it is somewhat insecure because it begins with a ‘hap,’ and seems to depend on a chance which may happen to the soul. We say “happy-go-lucky,” and that is very much the world’s happiness. It is a kind of thing that may hap and may not hap. But there is no hap in the fruit of the Spirit that is joy. When we are joyful or full of joy, and that of the best kind, we are favored indeed. No man takes this joy from us, and a stranger intermeddles not within it. It is a celestial fruit, and earth cannot produce its like.”



Oh, there is so much we can say, precious friends, about joy…true joy!


I realized that JOY is the path that I want. JOYFUL is where I want to be. HAPPY is superficial. HAPPY is not God. JOY is longlasting. JOY is where God is.

sunshine and swimming

The weather was 80 degrees and sunny (my favorite kind of day).  So, after I picked up the twins from pre-school, we went to the pool.  I had a lot of things to get done but I abandoned them all for a couple of hours and spent the afternoon enjoying the sunshine.  I see these forks in the road all the time.  I often choose the "task" road.  I like to stay on top of things and get overwhelmed when the tasks pile up.  So, I end up missing many fun opportunities.  In my effort to change the path that I am on (see post from last week), I am making an effort to choose the "fun" road.  Today it was a good choice.  Today there was blue sky all around.

I also wanted to share something that a friend emailed today.  I love gaining perspective from elders.  I love looking at the big picture.  I hope that you can gain something from it as well.



Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"



1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.



2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.



3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.



4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.



5. Pay off your credit cards every month.



6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.



7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.



8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.



9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.


10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.


11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.



12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.



13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.



14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.




15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.



16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.



17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.



18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.



19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.


20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.



21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.



22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.




23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.



24. The most important sex organ is the brain.


25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.



26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'



27. Always choose life.



28. Forgive everyone everything.



29. What other people think of you is none of your business.




30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.




31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.



32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.



33. Believe in miracles.



34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.



35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.



36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.



37. Your children get only one childhood.



38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.



39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.



40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.




41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.



42. The best is yet to come.



43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.



44. Yield.



45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's "still a gift."