2012

Happy New Year!

ps.  my computer crashed 10 days ago so I haven't been able to blog.  Hoping to share next week.

the best Christmas gift ever...

Brady Ryan

December 17, 2011

1:05am

6lbs., 10 oz.

18.5in.

getting ready

Being that the month of December is upon us, I have two big events to get ready for:  Christmas and a new baby.  The first one is easy...the second, not so much.

I can pretty much say that I am ready for Christmas.  The house is decorated - inside and out.  Shopping is done.  Gifts are wrapped and under the tree.  My card is done and just waiting for a picture.  I am absolutely exhausted but I wanted to get everything done in case this baby arrives early or I get put on bed rest.  It was physically tough to accomplish given that I am 8+ months pregnant and already have a crazy busy schedule with the other 4 kids in school activities and competitive sports.  But I'm good at physically tough.  I can handle pain and exhaustion.

Getting ready for baby is another story.  A completely different story.  I have nothing bought, nothing done and nothing ready.  I can't even "go there" yet.  I've taken this pregnancy day by day from the beginning but can't bring myself to think about actually getting to bring it home from the hospital.  With Nate, I held my breath for 25 days.  On day 25, ALL of the doctors told me that he was going to be fine and could go home the next day.  We planned to buy a car seat that day and I picked out his outfit to wear home from the hospital.  2 hours later, he went code blue in my arms and I never got him back.

Because of that, I just can't bring myself to prepare in any way...
No car seat. 
No stroller. 
No diapers. 
No coming home outfit or blankets. 
No crib. 
No bassinet. 


Walking through my house you would NEVER guess that we are expecting a baby in just a couple of weeks (we sold pretty much everything after Nate died).  We haven't even talked about names with the exception of a conversation that we had 3+ years ago and I asked my husband if we had another boy someday if we could use the name that I have always wanted (but he had always said no to before).  He agreed back then - we'll have to see about that one. 

Our grief counselor and my doctor both say that this is normal...considering.  Because of that, I'm not worried about it.  Scrambling to buy baby stuff would be a good problem to have. 

It's just different. 

Everything this time is different. 

Praying that it's a good different.

25 Days of Giveaways Winner!

I wish that I could send something to ALL of you!  It makes me sad to only choose 1.  I really would love to bless all of the baby loss mama's this Holiday Season.  I know from experience how tough it can be.

But for today I can only pick one winner and here it is...

True Random Number Generator

Min:

Max:

Result:5

Powered by RANDOM.ORG

Congratulations to Brigette at

 The Rushworth's.

PS - I purchased both items from Dayspring if you want to order your own.  :)

25 days of Giveaways - Day 2

25 Days of Giveaways

Today I am lucky to be hosting this wonderful event.

 

For those of you that are new visitors, I became a fellow baby loss mama 3 1/2 years ago.  My son Nate died when he was only 25 days old as the result of complications (hospital mistake) from a heart defect.  My journey has not been easy.  We did not have a lot of support and therefore turned mostly to God for rescuing.  He taught us many lessons in the midst of our grief and He gave us the strength to endure a very long, dark storm.  Because of that, I wanted to encourage all of my fellow baby loss mama's by spreading the lessons that were bestowed upon me. 

So, I have chosen to give away 2 items today to ONE lucky winner. 

The first is a beautiful ornate metal cross trivet.

I thought that this would be a beautiful addition to any one's home and a great reminder to keep focused on Jesus - today and always.

I am also giving away a beautiful "words for the heart" ornament because each year my Christmas card says:  "Wishing you Peace, Love, Hope, Joy & Faith".    Each of those 5 words represents a lesson that God taught me with the birth of each of my 5 children so it's very meaningful to me.

It has 6 connected hearts, is made of shiny metal and hangs from a red ribbon.

Word of heart are on the front with Scripture references on the back:

Faith - Galatians 2:20

Hope - Romans 15:13

Love - Romans 5:5

Joy - Nehemiah 8:10

Peace - John 14:27

Jesus - Philippians 2:9-11

HOW TO ENTER:

You don't have to do anything other than be a baby loss mama and leave a comment below if you would like to be entered to win both of these items.  I will pick a winner sometime tomorrow (December 3rd) so be sure to leave a comment today if you want to win.

Sending hugs and prayers to all of the wonderful mama's out there. 

I know your pain. 

I feel your loss. 

And I celebrate your strength for enduring what is life's greatest tragedy -- the death of a child.

visiting...

This is definitely not my favorite place to visit.  Far from it in fact.  For me, the cemetery is a sad place.  Very sad.  That's probably why I have only been there three times prior to today.  But I wanted to see Nate's grave marker.  My husband designed it and had it installed over six months ago and I hadn't seen it yet.  It was beautiful.  I was very impressed with my husbands selection:  Blue granite with a simple font.  He wanted to make it just right for Nate and although it took us three years to get it done, it's as perfect as it could be.


There's nothing like seeing your child's name engraved on a grave marker.  There's nothing good about that.  There's nothing right about that.  It's not how it is supposed to be -- for any of us.  


I hate that he is in a public place where I can't control who has access to him.  I don't know if anyone visits his grave but there are definitely people that I don't want to go there.  Family members that completely disrespected his fight for life while he was here with us on earth and then again after his death.  I don't want them to be anywhere near him.  I guess it's my motherly instinct.  I know that God is protecting Nate and it's not my job anymore.  I know that no one can hurt him and because of Jesus, he's not even in that grave anymore.  But I still wrestle with it.

I've always wanted to do this...

Doing something fun and happy on my least favorite day of the year. 

well that was easy...

I only had 1 person enter my book giveaway so I didn't even have to pick.

Congratulations Caroline!

remembering... today and always

Today, October 15th is National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant loss. This includes all babies who have died because of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other infant death.

Today I remember my sweet Nathan and I honor all of the babies that have joined him in Heaven.  I will always hate that I am a part of this "club" but I will do my best to bring joy from sorrow.

passing it along...

Last month I won a give away for this book on Holly's blog.  I am not a big reader but this was something that really attracted my attention.  I knew that I just had to read it and I was right.  It was sooo good!  Even though my experience with Nate's very dramatic and horrific death was much different, it helps to see how different people process grief. It's a fictional story but it's strongly based on reality and the author really brought life to her characters.   

I find it very comforting when I am able to find something that I am able to relate to.  So I am hoping to pass on the same experience to someone else.  I am giving away my book (which just happens to be signed by the author).  All you have to do is leave a comment if you are interested.  I will randomly pick a winner next Thursday.

outside & inside

On the outside:

I am 28 weeks pregnant but have yet to wear a single item of maternity clothes.  I have carefully watched my weight and have continued to exercise regularly so my regular clothes still fit (thanks to "low rise" shorts and jeans).  With my other kids, I was in maternity clothes by 16-20 weeks but this time I just have no desire to wear them.  I contribute part of it to the fact that I don't want to bring attention to the fact that I'm pregnant.   Some people are judgemental about this being our 6th child and the potential of risking another heart defect.  Others claim that they are thrilled for us and don't have any idea that we have apprehension or mixed feelings of joy and fear.  It's just easier to not get the questions and deal with all of the comments.

On the inside:

After Nate died, we desperately wanted to have another baby.  There was a huge void in our hearts and we thought that a baby would help fill that.  We also just needed God to say "yes" to something.  He said "no" to so many of our requests the past few years.  Everything from denying our pleas to save our sons life... to family/friend support with our grief... to numerous health issues in our family.  It was so hard to feel so rejected over such a long period of time.  We were in the middle of a storm and we couldn't see the end to it.

Last Fall, I received some advice that I talked about here.  I was told that there's nothing that I can do to end this storm and it will be over when it's over.  So, I began focusing on "what is" rather than "what I want it to be".  It was life changing.  I became truly content with what I had and where I was in life.  The possibility of another baby seemed extremely unlikely and was frankly an overwhelming thought with our expanding sports schedule craziness.  My kids still asked about it from time to time and  I began telling them "probably not" with a smile on my face instead of with tears in my eyes. 

So we were truly shocked to discover that we were pregnant last Spring.  The thought is even funnier that God decided to give us a Christmas baby when I have always purposely avoided/prevented the possibility of having any of my kids anywhere near the holiday craziness. Ha!  He got me this time! 

We experienced complications during the first trimester and therefore decided to keep the pregnancy quiet.  We travelled up to LA to meet with specialists and had every known screening test and numerous ultrasounds.  Week to week, we didn't know what to expect but all of the tests came out normal and we learned that we were indeed having a healthy baby.  We had to tell the kids in July (too hard to hide Mommy's growing tummy in a bikini) but didn't tell family until August.  

Our kids are absolutely thrilled.  They were literally jumping up and down and talk about the baby constantly.  However, it's sad that they don't remember what it's like to have a normal baby experience.  Here are the questions that they ask all of the time:

Do you think it's a boy or a girl (we don't know)?
Do you think this baby is going to live or die?
If this baby gets sick, can we go back to the first hospital because it was better?
Which Ronald McDonald House are we going to stay at?
Who is going to stay with us while you are at the hospital for all those weeks?

and a repeated one from my son:
If this baby is a girl can we please keep trying until we get another boy?


So now as I begin my last trimester I am hopeful and terrified all at the same time.  I know from experience that just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that you will get to bring home a baby.  I know from all of the other baby loss mama's that a myriad of things can happen and just because I have already buried a child gives me no guarantee.  So I just try not to think about it.  I focus on what is right now and I try not to worry too much about the future.  Today is good and I am rejoicing.

a sneak peak...

...at what we're "expecting" this Christmas.

a decision

Thank you to all of you for your sweet and supportive comments over the past week.  I have been struggling so much with this decision.  Trying to do what's right.  Trying to honor God.

There's so much information that I am not able to share on this blog.  I wish that I could.  But I will say that I believe that we have made the right decision.  My husband and I decided that we will attend the wedding with our kids but we will not be attending the reception.  The moment that this decision was made, I felt a tremendous sense of peace.  The tears and anxiety stopped and I was able to sleep soundly once again.  We waited to communicate this decision to my family.  We wanted to pray about it and allow for an opportunity of circumstances to change.  We did pray but circumstances did not change.

Together, we communicated our decision to my family last night after the rehearsal.  Surprisingly, they took it very well.  There was some frustration but mostly sympathy over anger.  I anticipated the opposite.  We'll see what happens at the actual wedding tomorrow.  It will be a huge relief when it's over. 

anxiety

Before Nate died, I rarely experienced anxiety.  I didn't have a true appreciation for its' ability to affect one's human spirit.  How it robs the joy replacing it with fear and trepidation.  It's not a good thing.  It goes against everything that God wants for our lives.  It allows other peoples comments and opinions to be more powerful than God's voice and God's will.

Fortunately, for the most part, I have been able to grow out of (a term that I use when my children experience a phase of life) this.  What was once a daily occurrence, is now only experienced on rare occasions. 

This past weekend, it has resurfaced.  With a vengeance.

My brother is getting married in a couple of weeks.  We are not close.  We have never been close.  But at 37 he has finally found someone to love and he is committing to spend his life with her and her daughter.  Family weddings can be a great source of celebration but they can also be a tremendous source of conflict.  As issues have come up over the past few months my husband keeps reminding me that people just do "wacky" things when they get married.  They focus on themselves with no acknowledgement of who they step on along the way.  I agree that people are "wacky" but I do believe that they know exactly what they are doing and who they are stepping on in the process.

Over the weekend, "wacky" was taken to an extreme level.  I learned new information.  To say that I was shocked would be an understatement.  Since that time I haven't been sleeping and spent much of the weekend in tears.  I want to be stronger.  I want to be more of the person that God wants me to be.  A person that can rise above what other people think and what other people say.  I should be strong enough to brush that off.  Instead, I have allowed the anxiety to take control.  To resurface and overpower the way that I want to live my life.

Difficult decisions must be made in the next few days.  Do I sacrifice my own well being to respect my mother and brother who knowingly made decisions that would cause me pain?  Or do I protect myself and avoid becoming a spectacle knowing that this choice will never be understood or forgiven?  I can't win.  I can't see a way out.  No matter which way I look at it, it's a lose-lose situation.  Praying that God will make my path clear.

blue sky days

Ahhhh...Summer.

Vacations.

 Adventures.

 Swimming until dark.

Ice Cream.

Tank tops and flip flops.

 Family.

Memories.

I just love that my 6 year old wrote this in the sand and asked to take a picture.

There's nothing better in my opinion. 

I don't want it to EVER end! 

happy summer

I can't believe that Summer is FINALLY here!  The past few months have been filled with challenges (you wouldn't believe it if I told you so I won't even bother) but I am hoping that God will give me a little time off to enjoy what is far and away my favorite time of year!

My kids just got out of school a week ago and I have spent 47 hours this past week at a combination of gymnastics and soccer events - whew!  Needless to say, there hasn't been time for relaxing.  However, I know that there will be many blue sky and flip flop days ahead of me and I can't wait.  I also need to dedicate some time to a few projects that I have wanted to get done around the house for a while.  I keep thinking that I'll have time but I never seem to. 

It seems like I should have a lot of free time on my hands.  My kids are older and more independent - right?  Wrong.  They now have activities and sports that I have to take them to.  I remember another MOPS mom telling me years ago that it gets harder when the kids get older.  I laughed as I thought about the 3 kids I had 2 and under and the 25 diapers a day that I was changing.  But, to my surprise, I think that she was right.  It's a different kind of hard.  But I long for the days of staying home and changing 25 diapers.  These days I am rarely home and it makes it hard to stay on top of everything.

I am really looking forward to spending a lot of time with my kids over the next 2 months.  Most of my favorite things are Summer related and I can't wait to do them all over again.

Happy Summer Everyone!

conversations with my kids

As a mother, I hope that I am leading my children through their grief in a healthy way.  For the most part, my kids talk about Nathan very matter of factly pretty much every single day.  He's a part of our family but he just happens to live in Heaven.

Once in a while, their grief will consume them (as it does me) and they will break down.  It's hard to watch.  It breaks my heart to see their pain and know that I can't fix it.  Sometimes they will come home from school saying that they told one of their friends that their baby brother died and they didn't believe them.  Or, they will cry because someone at school got a new baby brother and they ask why theirs didn't have to go to Heaven too. 

Last week my twins were tasked with making blankets for the sick kids at our local childrens hospital.  It's was for their Daisy Girl Scout troop.  They had a hard time with the idea.  I took out the blanket that someone had given Nathan in the hospital and we talked about how special it was.  It was a good lesson about doing something good for someone else even when it makes your heart hurt.

Speaking of hearts, my 12 year old daughter's science class is dissecting animal hearts in school today.  She came home from the first day of school this year absolutely hysterical because the teacher announced that they would be doing this at the end of the year.  She remembers all of the discussions that we had with the heart surgeons and cardiologists about Nate's heart defect and she is rightfully sensitive.  Luckily, she has an amazing teacher who is allowing her to go to the library today during class and skip the dissection.  Now if I could just keep all of the other kids from talking about it around her.  I know that will be a topic of conversation over the next few days and I can't protect her from that.

I just have to trust that God has a plan for my kids and that He is leading them through these experiences and challenges to grow them.  I know that they will be better because of it.  It's just that sometimes I wish that they could just be normal and only have to deal with normal age appropriate issues. 

the little things

We've been trying to figure out why March was so easy for us this year.  By "easy", I mean not devastating.  March will never be "easy" by most standards.  We figured out that it wasn't just one thing.  It was a bunch of little things that not only helped us survive the month but also enjoy the month.  We recognize that these little things just didn't come together randomly.  It was part of God's plan.  When we look back at the path of our lives during March, we can clearly see His part in all of it.

One of the most impactful things was Shayna's soccer.  My oldest daughter is utterly passionate about soccer and at the end of the season every year her team plays in a huge State Cup tournament.  In past years, the tournament has been local and during the month of January.  This year it wasn't.  And we were NOT happy about it. 

Now we can see why God had us travelling out of town and spending those tough weekends in March with our soccer friends.  We see how He helped us occupy our otherwise lonely weekends with fun people and gave us the gift of joy of watching our daughter play soccer.  We see how He postponed the tournament for one week on Nate's birthday so that we could celebrate at Disneyland as a family.  We see how He allowed my daughter's team to keep winning and advancing so that we would have to return week after week.  We see how He allowed her team to ultimately win the championship so that she would have a good memory during the month of March.  We see how He allowed her to score the winning goal during the championship game to make the event truly unforgettable!



Back in January, my 6 year old twins' gymnastics coach announced that they would be competing in their first gymnastics meet (a practice meet) on March 26th.  I shrugged my shoulders in defeat thinking that it was NOT going to be good timing since it was in "March".  What I didn't know was what a gift that would be.  Their little competition filled what would have otherwise been an open, empty March Saturday for us.  I think that part of the reason that March has been so hard in the past was because we had nothing going on.  Our weekends were empty and we were bored and lonely.

Their little competition showed me what strong girls I have.  They inspire me to:

Reach for the sky...and fly.

Trust God and jump knowing that He will make sure that I land on both feet.

Have confidence that my strength will carry me where I need to go.

Hold my head up and focus on what I need to do...even when I know that everyone is looking at me to see if I will fall.

Fall backward with complete faith that I will know how to turn myself around again.

The final thing that helped us last month was our sweet little boy.  He often makes comments about not having a brother to play with and complains about all of the "girl" stuff that have going on.  But he has been rising to the occasion lately.  Last week he made an unbelievable catch at his baseball game and then immediately ran to 3rd base to accomplish a double out.

Not a big deal in and of itself but I am learning a lesson from it. I learned that just because you do something amazing doesn't mean that you are done. Look around because sometimes there is another opportunity that will present itself.

So, that pretty much sums up where I am right now.  I am learning, growing and appreciating the lessons along the way.  Thank you to all of you for continuing to support me along my journey.  Please keep praying...

3 years ago

March 30, 2008 was the day that my life was turned upside down.  Watching my sweet boy die and then saying goodbye to him will likely be the most difficult thing that I will ever face in my life (at least I pray that it is). 

Anniversaries are a time for reflection.  They are sad and they are difficult.  The vivid memories that I have seem like they were just yesterday.  Yet it also seems like a lifetime since I last held my baby boy.  It's painful to reflect on that time in my life.  But it's when I reflect that I can see God and I can see the path that He is leading me down.  I can see what God has done in my life the past 3 years:  the pain, the sorrow, the hope, the joy.  It's all there.  It's not better.  It's not worse.  I'm just better at dealing with the pain and sorrow and focusing on the hope and joy. 

Miss you sweet boy!

not as bad

For the past 3 years, March has been a really rough month.  I expected that to be true once again.  But to my surprise, it hasn't been.  Sure, there are periods of reflection and sadness and my kids are definitely hurting (and acting out because of it) but it's not all consuming this year. 

Today was one of the rougher days.  I was volunteering in my son's class at school when another mom walked in with her little boy that was born just a month before Nate.  I've seen him many times before and to be honest I usually just look away to avoid the pain that might be stirred up inside.  Today was especially hard to ignore as a bunch of the kids in the class ran over to him with excitement.  It's not everyday they have a cute 3 year old in their class and they were thrilled to say hello and give him high-5's.  My heart broke a little for my son who should have been able to proudly show off his little brother to all of his friends but instead sat quietly at his desk.  And my heart broke even more to see a visual confirmation of what my life should be.  A mom running around with her 3 year old son in tow.

But most of the month has gone surprisingly better than expected.  I can partly attribute the ease of this month to the crazy schedule that I have had.  With all 4 kids playing competitive sports pretty much every day of the week, there is very little time to wallow in pity.  In fact, we have been out of town 3 of the last 4 weekends for State Cup soccer playoffs and are packing up to head out one more time (my daughter's team made it to the semi-finals!).  We typically go out of town once or twice a year so packing and unpacking for 6 of us on top of everything else every week is exhausting... but a good distraction.

I am grateful for this.  I am grateful that we are not sitting home on our weekends attempting to fill the void with projects around the house or hopelessly waiting for someone to invite us to do something...anything.  Our soccer weekends have been fun.  I absolutely LOVE cheering for my daughter and proudly watching as she plays a game that she is truly passionate about.  She is learning so many life lessons both on and off the field.  Life lessons that I can't teach her.   And, it's been really fun to hang out with all of the parents at the games and at the hotel. 

My social life is all very superficial.  I won't lie.  I really don't have deep, meaningful relationships at this point in time.  But it's easier to be around people that didn't hurt me.  I have conquered the forgiveness part...I just can't forget.

I am becoming very fond of the "fresh start" philosophy.  I spent so much time trying to fix the hurt and repair the relationships that it was wiping me out.  It's just refreshing to be able to enjoy myself without any baggage.  Especially this month. 

a good day

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of the support I received from this community last week.  It feels so good to have other people acknowledge Nate's birthday and offer prayers to my family.  There were very few people that acknowledged it outside of the blogging world so I appreciated it even more.

Saturday ended up being a good day. 

We laughed. 

We cried. 

We survived.
  

That's all I can ask for.

 

Our first stop was to have lunch at our local McDonald's.  We've done this the past 2 years to commemorate the month that we spent at the Ronald McDonald House.  We even let the twins get Happy Meals (a rarity) since a portion of the cost is donated to help other families like ours.

Then we stopped by the party store on our way to Disneyland.  We let everyone pick out a special balloon and we all wrote him a special birthday note that we attached to the balloons.

Kaylee did both sides.

Then we gathered around his brick to sing Happy Birthday and do our balloon release.  Typically I have to ask a stranger passing by to take photos for us.  But this year, a kind mom stopped by our little celebration and asked if we wanted her to take pictures for us.  She was so incredibly sweet.  It was such a nice blessing. 

We huddled together and sang a very tearful Happy Birthday to our little man.  I just love this shot that she took because you can read his brick right in the middle of our circle.

Then we let our balloons go and watched them float away.

It was a warm and beautiful BLUE SKY day.  Thank you God for that little blessing. 

It's always so emotional watching our balloons float away. 

The twins wanted to have a birthday cake for him so I snuck one into the park (can you believe they weren't going to let us bring it in?) and we sat down in the middle of Fantasyland for a little party.

Then we enjoyed our afternoon at the park.  It was unusually crowded.  Actually it was packed!  We didn't get on many rides but we had fun anyway.

We always get our kids a Disney "Birthday Button" when it's their birthday so we got one for Nate too.  My husband wore it all day long and loved it when the Disney employees would walk by and say "Happy Birthday Nathan".  The kids and I wore "I'm Celebrating" buttons to make the day extra special. 

After a long debate about where to eat dinner (a hard, emotional day for the kids), we decided to eat at Downtown Disney.

We finished off the night by letting the kids each pick out their own Disney balloon to take home (a very special treat that is only given on Nate's birthday).

And the night was finished off perfectly with the most amazing fireworks display!

I just love this picture with the fireworks going off behind the kids' balloons. 

Though it is still the month of March and I find myself reliving the days that we spent in the hospital with Nathan, I am relieved that his birthday is over.  Upon reflection, we realized that we spent the day in a way that honored our son and was right for our family.  I just wish that I didn't get bummed about all of  the people that didn't remember his birthday or acknowledge how hard this month is for us.  Maybe next year that won't matter. 

**********************************************************************************************************************

All of my other kids have a birthday banner that we hang at their party every year. So Shayna and I decided that we wanted to make one for Nate last week. She helped me pick out fabric, cut out letters and sew it all together. I was thankful to share that experience with her. We both enjoyed doing something special for Nathan. We dragged that banner around with us the entire day. The inconvenience of it was far outweighed by the blessing it gave us.