honestly

I've never been good at being fake.  You may think that's a good thing but it's not always.  Sometimes, I want to pretend to be happy even when I'm not.  Sometimes, I want to have a nice conversation with someone that I don't like.  But those things are extremely hard for me.  I tend to shut down when I'm uncomfortable.  I don't think that I'm mean to them but I don't think that I'm friendly either. 

This blog is the place where I can be truly honest.  I can say what I want and tell you all how I feel.  I don't have to try and pretend about anything.  It's such a freeing feeling.  It's so nice that I don't have to worry about my "friends and family" reading this.  They have no idea that it even exists.

I've thought a lot about honesty lately.  Many times, when I meet another mom that has buried a child, they come across to me like everything is fine and they are not struggling.  It tends to make me feel like a complete failure.  It makes me feel bad that I'm not as "together" as they are and that I should "be over it by now".  Part of me wants to be them.  The person that moves along with life as if their family wasn't just turned upside down by a tragedy.  But, that's not me.  That will never be me.  I cannot pretend that Nate's death didn't change who I am.  I cannot pretend that my heart is not broken.  I don't even want to try.

I think that if I could pretend that life was just dandy, I would have more friends.  People are attracted to the "fun" ones that love life.  People don't typically want to listen to a friend talk about how much she misses her son or how hard it is to live life on a daily basis.  That's why previous generations used to just stuff it and pretend like nothing ever happened.  

When I was reading all of the grief books that I was given I had such a hard time relating to them.  I felt like they "grieved" better than me.  I felt like a complete failure when compared to how the other moms dealt with it.  I felt alone. 

I want anyone who reads this to know how vulnerable I am and I want to be transparent.  I am a real person that watched her son die a horrific death.  I kissed him goodbye and I buried him in the ground. 

I struggle with who I am and who I want to become. 
I struggle with friends who want the "old Trisha" back. 
I struggle with family who don't have a clue about how to relate to my family. 
I struggle with raising my 4 kids who desperately want their baby brother back and don't understand why God won't give us another. 
I struggle with God when He keeps saying no to my prayers.  
I struggle with finding Joy in the midst of heartache. 
I'm a changed person that is finding her way down an unknown path but I still struggle. 

I haven't posted this weekend because I was struggling with what to say.  I've been doing really well on my quest for Joy and didn't want to go backward.  But, in being true to who I am, I want to be honest.  So, I will tell you that I'm glad that Thanksgiving is behind me.  It was a struggle.  I was doing well until my husband blessed the food and thanked God that we were "all together" as a family.  I couldn't believe that he didn't acknowledge Nate.  We will never be together as a family for Thanksgiving and that is why holidays are so tough.  My Mom, who will never understand, replied that her son wasn't with her either (my 36 year old brother was sick and stayed at home).  Hardly a comparison but I should know not to expect any type of support from my mom. 

My husband felt bad and apologized about leaving out Nate.  I think that he just went into autopilot and prayed like his Father always prayed over the Thanksgiving meal.  But, our Thanksgiving will never be as his Father's was.  Our life will be good but it will never be like I want it to be.  And that my friends is the honest truth.

Thankful

Tis the season...to be thankful.  Last year I couldn't find it in me.  I really couldn't.  My grief and sadness outweighed my joy by such a tremendous amount that I couldn't even see it.  I knew that I was thankful.  I knew that my life had blue sky in it.  But, all I could see were the dark gray clouds. 

This year, I have a lot of blue sky around me.  This year, I am truly thankful.  I know how much that I take for granted every day.  I know that many people don't even have clean water to drink.  I want to appreciate what I have.  I want to rejoice about my many blessings.


I am thankful for my husband who loves me even despite my flaws
and for my 4 healthy children that light up my life.

I am thankful that I live in a beautiful house
and that I am able to raise my kids in a safe neighborhood.

I am thankful that I am physically healthy
and I can run, swim, play soccer, ride bikes and rollerblade with my kids.

I am thankful that we have friends
and they are no longer fair-weathered friends that will leave when times get tough.

I am thankful that my husband has a job
and that he can provide all the "needs" and many of the "wants" for our family.

I am thankful that if Nate can't be with me that he is in Heaven
and that I know he is safe and being well taken care of.

I am thankful that my anger at the people who abandoned us when Nate died is lifting
and I am able to interact with most people without having an anxiety attack.

I am thankful that I am still here on earth with my kids and my husband
and that God didn't strike me down when I begged Him to.

I am thankful for the support that I've found from other mommies who just "know"
and that God has allowed me to feel loved by them.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

next step

At present, I am doing a bible study titled Life's Healing Choices.  It's perfect for me at this point in my life.  As I attempt to heal from Nate's death and move forward, I'm still carrying the baggage of resentment and anger.  I'm still hurt by things that our family said to us, did to us and didn't do for us.  I still can't believe that they behaved that way.  But, I desperately want to put it behind me.  I want to move forward.  I'm tired of talking about forgiveness...I want to forgive.

I love the book of Job.  There are so many good lessons in there.  So, this is going to be my prayer for the week -- one day at a time:

Put your heart right...Reach out to God...Then face the world again, firm and courageous. Then all your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more. (Job 11:13, 15-16 TEV)


I am tired of living my life in fear.  I'm tired of hiding from them.  I want to be in a place where I can have a healthy conversation with someone that stuck a knife through my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be friends with them.  I don't ever want to expect anything from them.  I just want to be comfortable enough to interact with them without having an anxiety attack. 



** As a side note.  I took my twins to Disneyland again today as I do most Tuesday mornings (yes I know how fortunate we are).  We were lucky enough to get to ride in the front of the monorail with the conductor.  During our 6 minute ride, she asked the typical "how many kids do you have" question and I told her about Nate.  She was an older lady and she told me that her baby died at 5 months of crib death many years ago.  She told me that it does get better but it never goes away. 

Just thought that I would share that there are so many of "us" out there.  Our fellow club members don't wear name tags and they are hard to identify.  But, we are not alone.  Many generations before us faced this walk...and they are still walking.  It gives me hope!

yikes!

Ever since my last post -- attempting to regain control and step out of my comfort zone -- I have been challenged.  I realized that I am okay with challenging myself as long as it's my decision.  As long as I am in control.  When circumstances catch me off guard, I am not reacting the way that I want to.  I am not acting like the person that I want to be.

I started my week off good.  I made the decision to buy my niece (only 4 months older than Nate and who I avoid like the plague) a birthday present.  We were not invited to the party but I decided that I needed to acknowledge the event none the less.  The easy choice (and my baby gift of choice lately) would have been to mail a gift card.  I deliberately made the decision to challenge myself and pick out an outfit for her.  So, I went to the mall and took time in selecting something that I thought would be appreciated.  Upon paying for the items, my sister-in-law walked into the same store (very small world) with the baby.  I was trying to be polite and not act uncomfortable but then she commented about how lucky that I was to be out shopping by myself and that she was jealous that I didn't have to drag around any kids.  I was caught off guard and spontaneously replied that I would trade places with her in a second.  I said goodbye and walked through the mall to my car.  The anxiety attack came on all of a sudden -- jello legs, shaking arms, tears, headache.  I was overcome with emotion. 

If I had known that I would run into her, I would have been prepared.  But I wasn't.  I'm not good in those situations and it's those situations that cause me to want to hold up in my house where I am protected from the hurts.  I can't expect everyone to "get it" but the people that I can now call my friends do.  They would never say anything like that to me because they know.  Additionally, they would have my back if someone else ever made that type of comment.  I wouldn't even have to respond because they would do it for me.  But I can't always be in their company.  I need to learn how to face these types of situations.  I need to learn how to do it well.

In addition to my mall drama, we also received an email this week from extended family inquiring about Christmas gift exchanges.  I thought that my husband and I had already decided that we were only going to exchange gifts immediate family but to my surprise, my husband responded to the email agreeing to join in with the masses.   I lost it.  Again, I was tested on how I would respond to family and I failed.  I didn't want any part of it.  I didn't want to pick out presents for the babies and I certainly didn't want to get together with them.  I'm so not where I want to be.

To top it off, we walked into church yesterday and were greeted by another family member who was church shopping.  I was almost paralyzed with fear.  I knew the right way to act and I kept telling myself to start acting that way.  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  I was just stuck.  Sadly, the message was on living life with God and saying yes to his desires and relinquishing our own control.  Boy, was I ever convicted sitting there listening to that.  Knowing how I should respond and failing to do it.  I just couldn't bring myself to have any type of conversation beyond "hello, it's good to see you".  It was one of the longest hours of my life. 

The only thing that I can report being proud of was that I had lunch with a pregnant friend on Friday.  I have avoided all pregnant people and babies since Nate died.  But, one of my friends (who's had a number of miscarriages and a AAA baby) is finally pregnant with twins.  I was worried about the interaction but I was totally fine.  In fact, I had a great time and I can't wait to do it again.  Such a relief -- maybe this one is behind me!!!!!

Bottom line is that I'm allowing my insecurities to define who I am and I'm not giving God my power.  I need to do that.  I need to change.  I feel like I deserve an F this week but as a dear friend pointed out, an F would have been awarded if I would have run away.  I didn't run so I got a C.  Passing but not good enough.  I'm a type A honors student.  I want to get an A.

conclusion

Every experiment needs a conclusion - right?  So, I'm going to attempt to sum up what I have learned this past week.

I have learned that I am stronger than I feel.  I feel like a broken, rejected and vulnerable 13 year old girl.  I feel like anytime someone says something hurtful, I take it personally and crumble.  I feel like I've been rejected by the masses and there are few people that want to be my friend.  The way that I feel has prevented me from being the person that I want to be.  My insecurities have taken control over me...and I have allowed them to.

Thorough my JOY experiment, I challenged my so called self-talk.  During the week, I made most of my decisions based on who I wanted to be and not how I felt.  I did things that I didn't feel that I could do.  I took charge of situations to ensure that they would have positive outcomes and it felt good.  I didn't realize that I was able to do some of the things that I did and react some of the ways that I reacted until I did.  Sometimes, I shocked myself.

I also learned that I have more people supporting me than I ever thought.  I can't begin to tell you how much I have appreciated all of the comments that were made on my posts and the supporting words that were given to me.  It really kept me going.  I can't imagine what that type of support would have felt like when Nate died.  Really, I can't even imagine.  But I am grateful that I am able to feel it now.  So, to everyone that has sent me an email or made a comment, I thank you.  It means more than you know.

The final lesson that I learned was that I am ready to be joyful.  I mourned Nate's death for 18 months.  I felt every single ounce of pain and experienced every emotion possible.  I lived as a grief-stricken mother.  That was good for me.  I needed to do that.  In the beginning, our counselor told us that it was important to travel through the grief.  If we tried to deny or escape it, it would come back to bite us later.  So, I allowed myself to do that.  I had many people tell me that "I should be over it by now" along the way but I wasn't.  Nothing that anyone said would have ended my season of mourning.  I needed to decide when I was ready and not a moment before. 

Now that I am ready to start living joyfully I recognize that the path will not be easy.  My heart is forever broken from Nate and there will not be a single day that passes that my soul doesn't ache for him.  I am going to allow myself to be sad when reminders hit, milestones pass and dates occur.  I'm just not going to allow myself to live in that sadness.  I'm going to demand more of myself on a day to day basis.  I think that I can do it.  I want to do it. 

Please continue to pray for me and my family.  I don't know that any of us will ever be truly healed and we have many obstacles in our way.  I know that we are going down the right path but it is not a straight one and I can't see where it's leading.  Blind faith my friends, blind faith.

finding JOY - day 7

Test

Today the joy could have easily been sucked away from me.  Two years ago today was "the day" that our lives changed forever.  On November 1, 2007 we were told that our baby "had a problem" during our 20 week ultrasound.  The doctor further explained that it appeared to be a major heart defect and from that moment on...we boarded this crazy roller coaster that we are yet to escape.  Thoughts of *what was supposed to be* were ever present on mind as soon as I woke up.  Important dates are always tough days.


However, today was a day for our family...just our family.  Our schedule is usually very crazy with soccer games, school activities and kids birthday parties.  Today was the first day since Summer that we have had completely free.  So, we slept in...and went to church.  I was feeling good until we walked in the service (a little late) and our Pastor announced that today was a very special day..."It's parent/child dedications"!  I looked at my husband and said "are you kidding me"?  I remember seeing the date in the program but completely forgot about it.  I was caught off guard.  At first, I was ready to just leave but we had already dropped the kids in their classes and we didn't want to disrupt them.  So, we walked out and sat in the lobby for a few minutes.  It was awkward.  I didn't know what I would say if someone asked us what we were doing.  I was preparing my response just in case.  "We're sitting out here because our baby died and we don't want to watch others rejoicing in their blessings" just didn't seem to match with the person that I'm trying to become.  That was what the old Trisha would have thought.  I don't want to think that way.  I don't want to be that person. 

So...this was a test.  I needed to choose differently.  I recognized that but didn't get much farther in my thoughts before our Pastor walked out and informed us that the dedications were over.  I knew that I didn't want to fail this test (though by walking out I already lowered my grade to a C) so I forced myself to go back in.  As I walked into the service, I felt like everyone was looking at me.  I felt like everyone knew why I was coming in late.  But in reality, no one was looking at us.  No one thought twice about it.  So, we sat through the service and listened to the message that God wanted us to hear.  We survived and it wasn't even that tough.  I'm grateful that the day didn't turn and go the other way.  I'm grateful that I'm getting stronger and have more of an ability to navigate my life in the direction that I want.