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This is by far my favorite time of year. I love the sunshine! Living in Southern California it may seem like we have this all year long. But, it's different. Summer is just different. Now it doesn't get dark until 8pm which allows us so much more time outside. Plus, the kids are almost out of school so the crazy evening homework and early mornings will soon be gone - yipee!!!
I can't wait to play with my kids and relax in the sun. Just the anticipation of it coming in 4 more weeks makes me happy. For now, I am looking forward to a 5 day weekend filled with swimming, shopping, skating, eating and sunshine. Nothing but BLUE SKY days ahead. I will say it again...yipee!!!
Sometimes, blog world is really one of the only places that I feel "understood". It's a unique bubble of sorts where I am able to connect with other moms like myself. Moms that have buried children. Moms who were abandoned by friends and family. Moms that struggle between "what was" and "what is".
Oftentimes, I have thought about how much of a relief it would be to be able to actually live in this bubble. I mean if the people in this bubble were my neighbors, family and friends. What would it look like if it was the norm to bury a child? What would it be like if everyone knew what it felt like to grieve?
Last week, my husband was having lunch with some old grad school friends. At one point, the conversation turned to a man and he was asked about his family. He explained that he had 9 brothers and sisters but only 8 were living. He spoke about it matter-of-factly when he explained that one of his brothers had died as a child. When my husband inquired more about it, he was told that this was the "norm" where he grew up. Evidently, he was born and raised in Vietnam. Where he grew up, almost every family buried a child at some point. It was a rare exception for a family not to.
This got me thinking. I have heard the statistics in Africa. I know that children die. I know that mothers weep. I know that I am not alone. It's just that I still find it strange that in this day and age, many Americans don't know how to relate to a mom that has done the unspeakable. I don't know if I will ever really fit in here. I don't know if I even want to. I just wonder what it would be like to live in a community of people that GET IT. I wonder.
I have been attending a women's bible study at my church for the past few weeks. It's a Women of Faith study and the subject matter is JOY. I have to admit that I haven't learned much through the study. I am sure that it's a good study but God gave me a "real-life application" that taught me more than any author possibly could. I wasn't able to go this morning so I thought that I would spend this time writing down some of my thoughts on this subject.
Back in the Fall, I was on a quest to find Joy. I was ready to end my season of grieving but I didn't know how. I used to have what I considered to be the perfect life. I had everything that I had ever wanted. I was happy. So happy. But after I watched my son die a horrific death, it was impossible for me to ever have that same type of happiness. No matter what I did or where I looked, I couldn't find it. It was this realization that taught me my lesson on JOY.
I have learned a lot about JOY. I have learned what JOY is not and I have learned what JOY is. I believe that my lessons and my interpretations are personal. This is what God has taught me in this season of life.
What JOY is NOT
Joy is NOT material. Getting a new car or buying a new house cannot bring me JOY. Spending an afternoon at the mall shopping cannot bring me JOY. Having my house perfectly decorated and impeccably cleaned will not bring me JOY. Surely, they can bring a lot of happiness. But happy isn't JOY.
JOY is NOT automatic. This world is full of hardship which is caused by sin. Our inability to "hit the mark" on everything allows bad stuff to happen. We don't automatically embrace JOY. Sometimes...oftentimes, life is hard and our trials are real.
JOY is NOT circumstantial. Enjoying a luxury vacation does not guarantee us JOY. Getting a job promotion does not automatically make us JOYFUL. Winning the lottery cannot ensure us a lifetime of JOY.
What JOY IS
JOY IS a choice. In every situation, we have the option to choose joy. 18 months ago, I did a bible study on Philippians. I vividly remember sitting in my group while everyone was discussing Phil 4:4
Rejoice in the Lord, always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
I sat there dumbfounded. I was immersed in a huge pit of grief. I didn't understand how God could even suggest that I could rejoice. I had just buried a son and was abandoned by most everyone I knew. What could I possibly rejoice about? I was actually angry at God for implying that JOY was even possible at that moment in time. I just didn't understand.
But as I have navigated through this trial, I have learned the meaning of Phil 4:4. I have learned that even in the worst circumstances, God gives us something to rejoice about. Even though I buried a son, I can rejoice that God gave me 4 other healthy children. Even though I have watched my kids sob hysterically about the death of their baby brother, I can rejoice that God is teaching them empathy and compassion. Even though I cannot hug and kiss my son everyday, I can rejoice that I will get to spend eternity with him.
JOY IS from God. JOY is a gift. We have to choose to receive it but God is the only one that can give it. There is nothing that any person alone can give us that will bring us JOY. God has to be a part of it. For example, if someone gives us a hug, we have the choice to be closed off and shut down. Or, we have the choice to embrace the warmth that God has allowed us to feel by bringing that person into our life.
I believe that Satan is the only one that can take our JOY away. When we choose to receive JOY from God, there are no people or circumstances that will take it away. Sometimes, Satan sneaks in while we are unaware of his presence and steals it from us. But, we have to allow him to do that.
Last week, I was sitting at my son's baseball game. I was such a proud mama cheering on my sweet boy. I was choosing to rejoice in this blessing that God had given me. My beautiful, healthy little boy. Then...suddenly, my thoughts switched and my JOY turned to sadness. My thoughts were consumed with the fact that I would never get to see Nate play baseball. That I would get to cheer for him to hit the ball or take a picture of him in his cute little uniform. I realized what was happening. I realized that Satan was stealing my JOY. That I was allowing him to remind me of all of the things that I didn't have instead of focusing on what I did have. I had to make a choice. A choice to re JOICE!
The past two Mother's Days have NOT been JOYFUL. I was making a choice to focus on the fact that one of my children was missing. That my family was not complete. That my arms that were supposed to be holding a baby boy were empty. This year, I made a different choice. It was deliberate and it did require effort. But I chose to rejoice in the Lord and the blessings that He has given me. I chose to embrace the children that were with me and celebrate that I was given the privilege of raising them.
I am learning to recognize when I allow Satan to steal my JOY. I am learning to ask God on a daily basis to allow me to focus on what I have and not on what I don't. I am learning to appreciate this lesson that God has taught me and the new found perspective that I have. God is not of this world and the further that I travel down this path, the more my life becomes aligned with His. I can honestly say that my life is full of JOY. I may not exude it on the outside, but I feel the peace of it on the inside. I have found that a JOY filled life is much better than a HAPPY life. I'll choose JOY any day!
I have said it before and I will say it again. Holiday's are always tough when you have a child that lives in Heaven. There is always a hole...someone is always missing.
I remember Mother's Day 2 years ago. It was about 6 weeks after Nate died. As I approached that day, I was hoping that I would receive an outpouring of love from family and friends. I felt that I had done the hardest thing that any "mother" could ever do. I buried a child. Surely, that would be recognized. Surely people would treat me like a war hero returning from battle. Broken and damaged but honored nonetheless.
I wasn't.
There were no cards.
There were no phone calls.
There were no emails.
The day went by...unnoticed.
As I sit here 2 years later, I am in a different place. I don't expect things from people anymore. I don't need things from people anymore. But it is still a bittersweet day. I celebrate with the children I have with me and I am saddened by the child that is not.
I was watching ELLEN this week and they have been promoting their Mother's Day show. It's a day where new mommies are honored and celebrated. They absolutely deserve everything that they receive. Being a new mommy is a wonderful thing.
But I know the other side to that.
I know that there are women out there that are celebrating their first Mother's Day alone. Foregoing all of the strollers and baby toys and gift cards...I know that the only thing that they would want is to hold their baby on Mother's Day. There are no Mother's Day cards when your child lives in Heaven.
My experience has caused me to look at things in different ways. It's sad that I lost that innocence. But it's good that I see reality. Mother's Day is not always a happy day. For some, it's the hardest day of the year. Most people have no idea. They plan their brunches and buy their flowers. They don't see the other side. Now I have a better perspective. I see both sides!
So to all of my mommy friends:
I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. Whether your child is here on earth or up in Heaven -- I honor you! You are NOT unnoticed and your child has NOT been forgotten. You are a "Mother" and you deserve to be blessed on this day.
How are you doing?
This is probably the most commonly asked question in our society today. It's freely said from checkers as I pay for my groceries. It's often said as I walk past other moms at school. And now it's asked by people that I used to be close with.
I think that the majority of time "how are you doing?" is asked rhetorically. The asker is not looking for an actual response. They are just simply engaging in a typical verbal exchange. There's usually no effort or sincerety behind it. It's just a sort of habit that people have picked up.
It's not a harmful question. In fact, it's actually nice. The difficulty comes when you want to give a response other than "fine". That's where the anxiety builds. A seemingly innocent question turns into a mountainous dilemma:
- Should you just say "fine" even if you are not and move on? Doing so feels like a betrayal to your aching heart and you know that this is a lie. But, you also know that this person really doesn't care what the response is. They really don't want to know the answer. They are just tying to be kind.
- Or...should you be honest and say "not great" or "today is tough"? To be honest, this is how I often respond and it is definitely uncomfortable. It's an uncommon and unexpected response. The ask-er doesn't know what to say to that. You can visably see a baffled look come across their face as they process your words. Most often, it's a conversation end-er because they don't know what to do with it. Once in a while, someone will say "I'm sorry" but no one ever asks why.
This question was the reason that I had anxiety every time I left my house the first year. I didn't know how to respond to it. It seems pretty lame to me now, but back then...it was huge. At present I am usually fine answering this question. I choose to be honest with my heart and my response changes from day to day. Most days I am actually fine so I don't have to pretend. But when it's a tough day, I don't pretend that it's not.
My difficulty with this question now is when it is asked by those that I used to be close to. Let's face it, close friends don't usually ask us this general of a question. They may ask how our week went. Or how an event was. But they rarely ask how we are doing. As people attempt to re-engage with us, this is the question that we are asked. I am guessing that they want to know if we are "better" now. I am guessing that our once close and now distant relationship makes any other question uncomfortable. I don't know the real reason, I just know that I become uncomfortable...instantaneously.
To be honest (which I hope that you know I always am on here), I don't really want them to know how we are doing. To avoid answering, I usually turn the question around in a hurry and ask them something in return. I do this because I think that how we are actually doing is privileged information. If I say that we are still struggling....that information will likely be broadcast out to other friends and family. If I say that we are doing good, again that information will be broadcast out like a news story. In reality, the answer to that question is too complex to verbally respond to. The only people that really know how we are doing are the people that engage with us on a weekly basis. The people that are actually "doing life" with us. The people that see what our life is like. The people that take the time to talk with us. I'll be honest...there aren't many of them. But those few are pretty much the only ones that I will ever give an honest response to.
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