YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS........
3 days ago
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Holidays
There is a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:4
Holiday's are very tough after a tragedy. Actually, very doesn't do it justice. They are extremely tough! Holiday's are supposed to be joyous occasions that are shared with family. Whether it's backyard bbq's, carving a turkey or celebrating Christ's birth, families are together. Even the simplest of holiday's, like Memorial Day are tough because of that. When a family member is missing, it's hard to be joyous. Thoughts of what should be and what will never be are top of mind. I completely understand why the suicide rate is so high at Christmastime. The holiday's were miserable for us. It's even harder when you are alone and don't have support from family and friends.
If you are family, consider downplaying holiday's for the first year. Ask the family what they would be comfortable doing. There is a time to celebrate and a time to grieve. They are not easily combined. It depends on the family and the circumstances. It's not realistic to think that everything should go on as normal. Nothing is normal for the family that lost a child.
If you are a friend, invite the family to do something. Don't assume that they have plans. Ask them what they would be comfortable doing. Most aren't able to participate in large group events. It's just too overwhelming for them. But, ask! They may already have plans or they may want to be alone but there's a good chance that you will be rescuing them from a dreadful, lonely day.
Why?
Our first holiday, Mother's Day came only 6 weeks after Nate died. If there were ever a year that I earned my title as "Mother" it was that year. After all, I buried my son--unquestionably the hardest thing any "Mother" would ever have to do. But, that year, I was not acknowledged as a mother. Not a single card, phone call or gift. I expected that since my husband was drowning in grief and would not be able to honor me, family members would step in and make sure that something was done. But nothing was. The day was completely ignored. It made a rough day even rougher.
We dreaded every holiday and birthday last year. We didn't feel like celebrating. Everyone we knew was. As if nothing had happened. The world just went on and we were stuck. We spent a lot of holiday's at the movies-- Memorial Day, Father's Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and we went ice skating for Christmas Eve.
When Christmas arrived, people didn't ask us how they could help us get through the holiday's. They didn't ask us if we wanted to celebrate or not. They didn't ask us if we wanted to exchange gifts. Family did send us an evite to their "party". But we weren't capable of going to a "party". We were drowning.
Most people didn't even talk to us at all. They just went on with their life as normal and some were offended that we weren't in a position to do the same. But our life was far from normal. It was a miserable time. It was supposed to be our son's 1st Christmas. The whole point of Christmas is celebrating the birth of a baby boy. We are so grateful that Jesus came. Because of that, we will see Nathan again. But it was still hard to have the images of baby boy's surrounding us.
It was very hard to be alone. We needed the strength of others to hold us above water. We were sinking. We had to use all of our energy to give our other kids some sort of Christmas. They were sad that we were alone. They missed their cousins and extended family. It was hard to explain to them. How do you tell a child that their family doesn't seem to care that their brother died? Or at least care enough to postpone their party.
Monday, June 29, 2009
How to relate
When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.
Psalm 94:19
When someone loses a friend or family member, they feel sad and empty. Others can relate to you because they also feel those emotions and there is a bond. But when you didn't know that person, you don't have the same emotions. This is especially true when someone loses a baby. Whether it's a still birth or a newborn. It doesn't hurt (and I mean a true physical pain) because there was no personal loss. You never knew what it was like to have them in your life so you are unchanged.
It is likely that you are sad for the family. But it is impossible to feel the same level of sadness. Even if you aren't hurting, it would be helpful to remember that others are. People that have experienced the death of a child are in such a different place. It isn't possible for them to "just get over it". Losing a child changes you. It changes who you are, how you see things and how you respond to others. You will never, ever understand it unless you walk through it. But, you can try. It is helpful if you do try.
Meet them where they are at. Don't expect them to be able to meet you where you are. Sometimes it's a relief to talk about silly stuff and laugh. Other times, there's just no possibility moving out of the grief. Sometimes they have a good day. Other times they have a bad day. So, don't feel that you have to make them better by being uplifting. The best way to help is just to meet them where they are. The best way to know where they are is to spend time with them.
Why?
In our situation, no one knew Nate, so it felt like no one mourned Nate. For us, it seemed like our life ended on 3/30/08. And in reality, our old life did end that day. But for everyone else, life just went on as if nothing had happened. Of course some people were a little sad for a few days, but then the parties were back on and life was back to normal. There were quite a few occasions where we asked people to pretend to be sad. We asked them to postpone the parties and celebrations and grieve the loss of our child with us. It was helpful when it seemed like people cared enough about us to be sad for us even if they weren't sad for themselves. There was just no way that we could meet them at the joyful, happy place they were. We needed them to meet us where we were at. So try and show the family empathy. It's nice to feel like your pain matters.
Psalm 94:19
When someone loses a friend or family member, they feel sad and empty. Others can relate to you because they also feel those emotions and there is a bond. But when you didn't know that person, you don't have the same emotions. This is especially true when someone loses a baby. Whether it's a still birth or a newborn. It doesn't hurt (and I mean a true physical pain) because there was no personal loss. You never knew what it was like to have them in your life so you are unchanged.
It is likely that you are sad for the family. But it is impossible to feel the same level of sadness. Even if you aren't hurting, it would be helpful to remember that others are. People that have experienced the death of a child are in such a different place. It isn't possible for them to "just get over it". Losing a child changes you. It changes who you are, how you see things and how you respond to others. You will never, ever understand it unless you walk through it. But, you can try. It is helpful if you do try.
Meet them where they are at. Don't expect them to be able to meet you where you are. Sometimes it's a relief to talk about silly stuff and laugh. Other times, there's just no possibility moving out of the grief. Sometimes they have a good day. Other times they have a bad day. So, don't feel that you have to make them better by being uplifting. The best way to help is just to meet them where they are. The best way to know where they are is to spend time with them.
Why?
In our situation, no one knew Nate, so it felt like no one mourned Nate. For us, it seemed like our life ended on 3/30/08. And in reality, our old life did end that day. But for everyone else, life just went on as if nothing had happened. Of course some people were a little sad for a few days, but then the parties were back on and life was back to normal. There were quite a few occasions where we asked people to pretend to be sad. We asked them to postpone the parties and celebrations and grieve the loss of our child with us. It was helpful when it seemed like people cared enough about us to be sad for us even if they weren't sad for themselves. There was just no way that we could meet them at the joyful, happy place they were. We needed them to meet us where we were at. So try and show the family empathy. It's nice to feel like your pain matters.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
DO what you SAY
If you say that you're going to do something...follow through.
Listen closely to what I am saying. You can console me by listening to me.
Job 21:2
You would not believe how many times people told us things that they didn't follow through on. If you say you're going to bring dinner, bring it. If you say you're going to call, call. If you say you're going to have them over for dinner, invite them. If you say you're going to come over at 2pm -- be there at 2pm. You may think that they won't remember but they probably will. And not only will they remember, but they will look at that offer as a life raft in front of them. They know that it's there but they don't know when they'll be able to grab it. They want to grab it. They need to grab it. But you have to give it to them before they can. Don't be one of those people that has good intentions. Intentions don't help. Be one of those people that has good results.
Why--
Grief is like a deep dark pit that completely sucks you in. It's dark, lonely and scary. It's miserable to be there alone which is why it's so important to reach out to people that are hurting. When you are grieving, you are just trying to get through life day by day and sometimes hour by hour.
When someone offers help, the grief stricken person will think "that person cares and they're going to help me". They are relieved that they don't have to figure out how they are going to get through that day because they have someone to help them. It is like telling someone that's drowning that you are going to throw them a life raft. They believe that you will. They count on it. When you don't... it's just devastating. You have no idea how dependent you become on others when you are drowning. You need to be rescued and not teased.
Or, if you make plans for 2pm on Saturday. Come at 2pm. For us, we would wake up knowing that all we had to do would be survive until 2pm and then help was coming. Just like a kid keeps looking at the clock to see how many more minutes it is until their b-day party. That is exactly what we would do. We would count the minutes! We would use all of our strength to make it till 2pm. Thinking that at 2, someone would help us and let us float on their boat for a while. If that person was late or canceled, it would completely wipe us out. We believed that they would help us. We trusted that they would follow through. We thought that help was coming at 2 and didn't save any energy to keep swimming on our own. It's really hard to explain --but extremely painful so don't do it!
Listen closely to what I am saying. You can console me by listening to me.
Job 21:2
You would not believe how many times people told us things that they didn't follow through on. If you say you're going to bring dinner, bring it. If you say you're going to call, call. If you say you're going to have them over for dinner, invite them. If you say you're going to come over at 2pm -- be there at 2pm. You may think that they won't remember but they probably will. And not only will they remember, but they will look at that offer as a life raft in front of them. They know that it's there but they don't know when they'll be able to grab it. They want to grab it. They need to grab it. But you have to give it to them before they can. Don't be one of those people that has good intentions. Intentions don't help. Be one of those people that has good results.
Why--
Grief is like a deep dark pit that completely sucks you in. It's dark, lonely and scary. It's miserable to be there alone which is why it's so important to reach out to people that are hurting. When you are grieving, you are just trying to get through life day by day and sometimes hour by hour.
When someone offers help, the grief stricken person will think "that person cares and they're going to help me". They are relieved that they don't have to figure out how they are going to get through that day because they have someone to help them. It is like telling someone that's drowning that you are going to throw them a life raft. They believe that you will. They count on it. When you don't... it's just devastating. You have no idea how dependent you become on others when you are drowning. You need to be rescued and not teased.
Or, if you make plans for 2pm on Saturday. Come at 2pm. For us, we would wake up knowing that all we had to do would be survive until 2pm and then help was coming. Just like a kid keeps looking at the clock to see how many more minutes it is until their b-day party. That is exactly what we would do. We would count the minutes! We would use all of our strength to make it till 2pm. Thinking that at 2, someone would help us and let us float on their boat for a while. If that person was late or canceled, it would completely wipe us out. We believed that they would help us. We trusted that they would follow through. We thought that help was coming at 2 and didn't save any energy to keep swimming on our own. It's really hard to explain --but extremely painful so don't do it!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Just "BE"
Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form.
Philippians 2: 5-7
WWJD - What would Jesus do?
So much of the bible talks about how Jesus would spend time with people. He was a carpenter but when he visited the poor, he didn't spend all his time building them a house. He would just BE with them. He would talk with them, wash their feet, share a meal. When someone is in the middle of grief, they just need to feel loved and cared for. They need to know that they still matter. Make sure that you are making the effort to "be" with them. It's important to physically connect. It's easy to show up for someones party or celebration. It's easy to be a friend in the good times. But life isn't always good. And as we grow older, life will get harder. We will face more challenges. Please consider making the effort to reach out to those that are hurting. Be their friend. It may be hard, but you may be the only one who does.
Why -
We've learned so many lessons this past year but perhaps the biggest one was that we need to be there for people that are hurting. We've spent much of this year alone and when our kids ask us why people don't talk to us anymore we tell them:
you have to RUN TO
Philippians 2: 5-7
WWJD - What would Jesus do?
So much of the bible talks about how Jesus would spend time with people. He was a carpenter but when he visited the poor, he didn't spend all his time building them a house. He would just BE with them. He would talk with them, wash their feet, share a meal. When someone is in the middle of grief, they just need to feel loved and cared for. They need to know that they still matter. Make sure that you are making the effort to "be" with them. It's important to physically connect. It's easy to show up for someones party or celebration. It's easy to be a friend in the good times. But life isn't always good. And as we grow older, life will get harder. We will face more challenges. Please consider making the effort to reach out to those that are hurting. Be their friend. It may be hard, but you may be the only one who does.
Why -
We've learned so many lessons this past year but perhaps the biggest one was that we need to be there for people that are hurting. We've spent much of this year alone and when our kids ask us why people don't talk to us anymore we tell them:
you have to RUN TO
people that are hurting,
NOT FROM them.
I've really learned that time is the best gift. That is what we have asked for again and again and that is what we have appreciated the most. We just needed help filling our days. We needed something to do. Something to look forward to . Our days were so much darker when we were alone. Sadly, because our society is so over-stretched, time is a hard thing to give. When you have a tragedy in your 30's, many people are too busy to help. There seems to be little margin with career's, small children and family obligations. We need to find a way to make time.
I've really learned that time is the best gift. That is what we have asked for again and again and that is what we have appreciated the most. We just needed help filling our days. We needed something to do. Something to look forward to . Our days were so much darker when we were alone. Sadly, because our society is so over-stretched, time is a hard thing to give. When you have a tragedy in your 30's, many people are too busy to help. There seems to be little margin with career's, small children and family obligations. We need to find a way to make time.
In the year after Nate died, I looked back and counted 11 weekends that we were invited to do something. We were on our own for the other 41 weekends. We dreaded the weekends. They were long. They were so hard. Luckily, Shayna had many soccer games that helped fill our time. And on a few occasions, we were able to invite people to our house. But, it would have been helpful to have invitations to do stuff every weekend. So helpful.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Don't say...
Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
Ephesians 4:29
I don't want people to feel as if they are on thin ice around the grief-stricken. Of course it's uncomfortable. Of course, you don't want to say anything to further upset them. And, if you haven't been in that situation, you don't know what to say. So, I've put together some pitfalls to avoid. Surprisingly, these are the most common comments we received. Many of these are taken from a book titled Sunrise Tomorrow.
"Call me if you need me." Grief stricken people are way to far in the dark to ask for help. They need people to reach out to them. They probably don't even know what they need. It's much easier to say "Thanks, but no thanks" than it is to say "Does anyone care?" So call them. If they don't call back, send an email. If they still don't respond keep doing it. Don't give up! They may not be able or ready but it doesn't hurt (and even helps) to keep trying.
"How are you doing?" This question is asked so commonly. Often times it's not sincere. Even when it is asked with good intentions, it's a very difficult question to answer. It's hard to gage if someone REALLY wants to know what you are struggling with or if they just want confirmation that you're okay (even if you're not). If you are having a heart to heart conversation, this question may be appropriate. But don't use it flippantly.
"God won't give you more than you can handle." I can't even begin to count the number of times we were told this. The bible actually doesn't even say that. It says that God won't tempt you beyond your capabilities. In fact the bible is full of circumstances that are way beyond what anyone can handle.
"You're still young." That may be true but it's not comforting to someone in the middle of a deep dark pit of grief. It makes it sound like the pain that they are in doesn't matter because of their age. Grief knows no age.
"You'll be okay because everyone is praying for you." There are no promises in the bible regarding that. Thousands prayed for Nathan to live and he didn't. The same is true for most others that pass after fighting lengthy diseases. Keep praying...just don't make any promises on behalf of God.
"God must have a reason." God can bring goodness out of the pain and sadness. But if someone died, it's hard to see beyond the pain. Save that one for later.
"Are you better now?" Some people don't want to deal with the grief. They wait until people are back to normal to engage. People who are grieving need support when they are hurting. Run to them. If you're spending time with them, you'll know how their doing. You won't even need to ask this question.
"Be strong." People need to get the grief out. It's really unhealthy to pretend or deny the feelings. Encourage them to be weak and tell them that you'll be strong so they don't have to.
"It's time to pull out of this depression." Intense grief will last at least a year. During that time, survival day to day is all that can be expected. The second year is about learning how to go on and live life without the loved one. It's still a very tough year. The earliest one can expect to be "okay" again is two years. Of course everyone is different. But for those that deal with the grief in a healthy way, it's usually about two years and then it will re-surface off and on for the rest of their lives.
Why-
People think that they have to fix it with words. They think that if they say the right thing, they can make it all better. The truth is that rarely did someone say something that helped. The people that offered us the most support are the people that would just be there. They would listen without judging us or telling us that what we're feeling is wrong. All of these comments were said to me at one time or another. Most of them didn't hurt deeply. But some did. The ones that hurt the most were from the people that only said that one comment. When a bad comment is surrounded by tangible love and caring, it doesn't usually hurt.
Ephesians 4:29
I don't want people to feel as if they are on thin ice around the grief-stricken. Of course it's uncomfortable. Of course, you don't want to say anything to further upset them. And, if you haven't been in that situation, you don't know what to say. So, I've put together some pitfalls to avoid. Surprisingly, these are the most common comments we received. Many of these are taken from a book titled Sunrise Tomorrow.
"Call me if you need me." Grief stricken people are way to far in the dark to ask for help. They need people to reach out to them. They probably don't even know what they need. It's much easier to say "Thanks, but no thanks" than it is to say "Does anyone care?" So call them. If they don't call back, send an email. If they still don't respond keep doing it. Don't give up! They may not be able or ready but it doesn't hurt (and even helps) to keep trying.
"How are you doing?" This question is asked so commonly. Often times it's not sincere. Even when it is asked with good intentions, it's a very difficult question to answer. It's hard to gage if someone REALLY wants to know what you are struggling with or if they just want confirmation that you're okay (even if you're not). If you are having a heart to heart conversation, this question may be appropriate. But don't use it flippantly.
"God won't give you more than you can handle." I can't even begin to count the number of times we were told this. The bible actually doesn't even say that. It says that God won't tempt you beyond your capabilities. In fact the bible is full of circumstances that are way beyond what anyone can handle.
"You're still young." That may be true but it's not comforting to someone in the middle of a deep dark pit of grief. It makes it sound like the pain that they are in doesn't matter because of their age. Grief knows no age.
"You'll be okay because everyone is praying for you." There are no promises in the bible regarding that. Thousands prayed for Nathan to live and he didn't. The same is true for most others that pass after fighting lengthy diseases. Keep praying...just don't make any promises on behalf of God.
"God must have a reason." God can bring goodness out of the pain and sadness. But if someone died, it's hard to see beyond the pain. Save that one for later.
"Are you better now?" Some people don't want to deal with the grief. They wait until people are back to normal to engage. People who are grieving need support when they are hurting. Run to them. If you're spending time with them, you'll know how their doing. You won't even need to ask this question.
"Be strong." People need to get the grief out. It's really unhealthy to pretend or deny the feelings. Encourage them to be weak and tell them that you'll be strong so they don't have to.
"It's time to pull out of this depression." Intense grief will last at least a year. During that time, survival day to day is all that can be expected. The second year is about learning how to go on and live life without the loved one. It's still a very tough year. The earliest one can expect to be "okay" again is two years. Of course everyone is different. But for those that deal with the grief in a healthy way, it's usually about two years and then it will re-surface off and on for the rest of their lives.
Why-
People think that they have to fix it with words. They think that if they say the right thing, they can make it all better. The truth is that rarely did someone say something that helped. The people that offered us the most support are the people that would just be there. They would listen without judging us or telling us that what we're feeling is wrong. All of these comments were said to me at one time or another. Most of them didn't hurt deeply. But some did. The ones that hurt the most were from the people that only said that one comment. When a bad comment is surrounded by tangible love and caring, it doesn't usually hurt.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Don't stress about saying or doing the RIGHT thing
Don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessings at the appropriate time.
Galatians 6:9
If you are uncomfortable, you're probably doing the right thing! No one is comfortable sitting with a dying family member or spending time with a friend whose child died. It's completely unnatural. The comfortable thing to do is sit home and make excuses to yourself why you didn't do anything. So, be uncomfortable and DO SOMETHING!
Why -
We've been told dozens and dozens of times by people that they didn't know what to do so they didn't do anything. Or, they were afraid to say the wrong thing so they didn't talk to us. Honestly, some people do say stupid things and it's not helpful (check back tomorrow for that). But it's better to say the wrong thing than to say nothing. We needed people to support us and were willing to risk that they would say the wrong thing. It's so painful to be invisible.
One year later, the majority of people still walk by me everyday and don't say a word. They just pretend that they don't see me. It caused me to be so insecure. People need to know that they don't have to FIX it. There's no pressure to do the perfect thing that will make everything all better. That's absolutely impossible. Just BE there for people. Listen to them. Ask them what helps and what doesn't. Say "hi" or "it's good to see you" when you run into them. Call and email regularly. Talk, sit silently, watch a movie. It doesn't matter. If your heart is in the right place, it's about helping them survive -- plain and simple.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Care
Have friends & family sign up for "care" a week at a time the first few months.
Never abandon a friend -- either yours or your father's. Then in your time of need, you won't have to ask your relatives for assistance. It is better to go to a neighbor than to a relative who lives far away.
Proverbs 27:10
This is an idea that I think would have been really, really helpful. It's so hard to ask for help. And in the beginning, you don't even have a clue what to ask for. It's hard to see beyond the moment you are in. So, my suggestion is to get together and organize a group of friends & family members. Rotate so that someone is in charge of everything that the family needs for one week at a time. If you have 8 people, you only need to help out 1 week every two months so it's totally reasonable. That person should make sure that during their week, they talk to the family daily and ask them what would help them that day. They may not know what they need or like me may be uncomfortable asking for help but ASK ANYWAY!
If you're in close contact, you're much more likely to know what they need. At a minimum, they should make sure that they have a meal everyday but also visitors and tangible acts of love during the week. Have friends sign up to send cards on certain days or drop off a favorite dessert or drink once or twice a week. Coordinate times for people to visit and then follow up to make sure that they did in fact do it.
Why-
We were alone so much of the time. We were so weak and broken, it was hard to leave our house or ask for help. We received a lot of meals which was very helpful but after after the first couple weeks, we rarely received cards, emails or visitors. It takes a long time to heal and we found that support from others is the best way to make that happen. The days are so long when you are grieving. It's so helpful to receive a warm letter or be invited to meet a friend for coffee, or even sit and cry with someone that will listen. It's healing to feel cared for.
My best friend was really good at doing this. She spent a lot of time with me and knew what I needed, often times before I did. In the beginning, she would call or visit me daily. On my really tough days, she would come over or meet me at McDonald's so we could talk (and I could cry) while the kids could play. She would make sure that I had someone to watch the kids while we went to counseling. She would come with me when I had to go to an event that I was stressed about. She was more of a friend to me than I ever deserved. Without her, I don't know what I would have done. But it was hard on her. She wasn't able to get a break. There wasn't anyone else to help cover her. So, I think that it would be so helpful to have a team of people doing this.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Show up for the funeral
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4
I'm sure that the last thing you want to do is go to a funeral. And you can be sure that the same is true for the family. I guarantee that no one wants to be there. No one wants to see that tiny white casket. It's sad. It's hard. The very least that you can do is support the family by going to the funeral. Even if you barely know them. It's such an important event. Just show up!
Why-
We were actually worried that when we walked into the service, the church would be empty. We were worried that no one cared that our son died. We were worried that we would be alone. It was very, very comforting to see that the room was full. We needed that support. You make think that your presence is insignificant but you would be wrong. We were surprisingly aware of our surroundings. We knew everyone that was, and everyone that wasn't there that day. We were shocked by how many of our "close" friends & family didn't come to the one and only event our son will ever have. We were saddened that they didn't care enough to support us that day. On the other hand, we were so pleasantly surprised to see how many others that we didn't expect were there. People that we didn't know well. People that we hadn't seen in years. It really touched our heart. We felt lifted up. Family's need to feel like people care about them and their loss. Family's need to feel loved and touched in tangible ways. Especially on the day that they are burying their child. Showing up is the best way to do that.
2 Corinthians 1:4
I'm sure that the last thing you want to do is go to a funeral. And you can be sure that the same is true for the family. I guarantee that no one wants to be there. No one wants to see that tiny white casket. It's sad. It's hard. The very least that you can do is support the family by going to the funeral. Even if you barely know them. It's such an important event. Just show up!
Why-
We were actually worried that when we walked into the service, the church would be empty. We were worried that no one cared that our son died. We were worried that we would be alone. It was very, very comforting to see that the room was full. We needed that support. You make think that your presence is insignificant but you would be wrong. We were surprisingly aware of our surroundings. We knew everyone that was, and everyone that wasn't there that day. We were shocked by how many of our "close" friends & family didn't come to the one and only event our son will ever have. We were saddened that they didn't care enough to support us that day. On the other hand, we were so pleasantly surprised to see how many others that we didn't expect were there. People that we didn't know well. People that we hadn't seen in years. It really touched our heart. We felt lifted up. Family's need to feel like people care about them and their loss. Family's need to feel loved and touched in tangible ways. Especially on the day that they are burying their child. Showing up is the best way to do that.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Don't assume anything
Then all his brothers, sisters and former friends came and feasted with him in his home. And they consoled him and comforted him because of all the trials the LORD had brought against him. And each of them brought him a gift of money and a gold ring.
Job 42:11
Don't assume that someone who's lost a child is doing okay. Everyone deals with grief/tragedy differently. Some avoid, some take anti-depressants, some isolate, some are suicidal. It's really hard to judge if people are doing well or if they are drowning. I've talked with a lot of families and most have had similar experiences to ours. Even our counselor agreed that most people that experience grief at a young age lose a significant portion of their friends & family. People just don't know how to deal with it. I believe that this is why God put the book Job in the bible. He knew that people would fail to help the grief-stricken. That's actually a really good book to read for anyone that wants to understand the pain and torment. I relate a lot to Job!
Don't assume that people want to be left alone. You may think (as I once did) that if you lost a child you wouldn't want to see anyone. But, this is usually not the case. Losing a child is such a debilitating experience. You need people to support you. You need to feel loved. You need to be cared for. You need help. Groups of people can be overwhelming. But a quiet visit, a kind letter or a warm email is so helpful.
Don't assume that they want you to report to others how they are doing. When tragedy strikes, people that aren't connected may ask those who are "how's the family doing?". Ask the family if they want you to report this information. If they don't, keep your conversations private. Tell those who ask to contact them directly. Don't encourage the isolation. Help connect them with people who care.
Also, don't assume that their family is taking care of them or that other people are sending cards or keeping in contact. Don't assume that they have food or groceries. Don't assume that they don't need anything. Just because the family appears to have a large support system doesn't mean that they actually do. Visit them...email them...call them...ask!!! You're more likely to know what they need if you are around them on a regular basis.
Why -
The first time that we saw most of our family was at the funeral. Not one of them came over the day Nate died or after the funeral--the two days we needed people the most. In fact only a few of our friends came over that terrible week. Then, we were pretty much alone for months. We had very few people that physically stayed connected. It was hard to be alone. It was hard to take care of 4 kids when we were just trying to breathe in and out. We were so overwhelmed. We've been told by many that they would have done something but assumed that family was helping out. Don't think that just because you aren't close, that you aren't needed. We needed anyone that was willing.
We also had people that were sharing with others how we were doing. Sadly, the ones that did most of the sharing only visited us a couple of hours a month and didn't really have an accurate picture of us. They were presenting information that wasn't whole and because they did that, people didn't come directly to us for that information. That contributed greatly to our isolation. People assumed that we were being supported and therefore didn't ask us. So make sure that you ask the family if they want your role to be a liaison. It may be a gift to them but it also has the potential to be damaging.
We received TONS of cards and flowers the first 2 weeks but then NOTHING. We were still hurting and it seemed as if everyone else moved on and forgot about us. We needed to know that they didn't. We needed to know that people still cared. So, make sure that you are still visiting, sending cards/emails and inviting them to do stuff. Even if they don't respond!!! Don't feel rejected. Don't take it personally. It's so hard to do anything the first few months. You need people to tell you what to do. You need people to help you get through each day. You don't have a clue what you need. It's so important just to make the effort and don't assume that it's unwelcome.
***Even though I lived this and wrote this, I still made this mistake. Weeks after I typed these words, Erik's friend passed away from cancer. He wanted to go to his family the next day and I encouraged him not to. I assumed that they would have a lot of people there and it would be better to wait until after the funeral when the visitors likely diminished. He felt the need to go anyway. I'm so glad he did. There was only 1 other family member comforting the family when he arrived. Though Erik is not a close friend or family member, he was able to help with their funeral arrangements. He was able to provide dinner for that night (no one brought them a meal or any type of food). He was able show them love in a real way. I'm so glad that he didn't listen to me.
Job 42:11
Don't assume that someone who's lost a child is doing okay. Everyone deals with grief/tragedy differently. Some avoid, some take anti-depressants, some isolate, some are suicidal. It's really hard to judge if people are doing well or if they are drowning. I've talked with a lot of families and most have had similar experiences to ours. Even our counselor agreed that most people that experience grief at a young age lose a significant portion of their friends & family. People just don't know how to deal with it. I believe that this is why God put the book Job in the bible. He knew that people would fail to help the grief-stricken. That's actually a really good book to read for anyone that wants to understand the pain and torment. I relate a lot to Job!
Don't assume that people want to be left alone. You may think (as I once did) that if you lost a child you wouldn't want to see anyone. But, this is usually not the case. Losing a child is such a debilitating experience. You need people to support you. You need to feel loved. You need to be cared for. You need help. Groups of people can be overwhelming. But a quiet visit, a kind letter or a warm email is so helpful.
Don't assume that they want you to report to others how they are doing. When tragedy strikes, people that aren't connected may ask those who are "how's the family doing?". Ask the family if they want you to report this information. If they don't, keep your conversations private. Tell those who ask to contact them directly. Don't encourage the isolation. Help connect them with people who care.
Also, don't assume that their family is taking care of them or that other people are sending cards or keeping in contact. Don't assume that they have food or groceries. Don't assume that they don't need anything. Just because the family appears to have a large support system doesn't mean that they actually do. Visit them...email them...call them...ask!!! You're more likely to know what they need if you are around them on a regular basis.
Why -
The first time that we saw most of our family was at the funeral. Not one of them came over the day Nate died or after the funeral--the two days we needed people the most. In fact only a few of our friends came over that terrible week. Then, we were pretty much alone for months. We had very few people that physically stayed connected. It was hard to be alone. It was hard to take care of 4 kids when we were just trying to breathe in and out. We were so overwhelmed. We've been told by many that they would have done something but assumed that family was helping out. Don't think that just because you aren't close, that you aren't needed. We needed anyone that was willing.
We also had people that were sharing with others how we were doing. Sadly, the ones that did most of the sharing only visited us a couple of hours a month and didn't really have an accurate picture of us. They were presenting information that wasn't whole and because they did that, people didn't come directly to us for that information. That contributed greatly to our isolation. People assumed that we were being supported and therefore didn't ask us. So make sure that you ask the family if they want your role to be a liaison. It may be a gift to them but it also has the potential to be damaging.
We received TONS of cards and flowers the first 2 weeks but then NOTHING. We were still hurting and it seemed as if everyone else moved on and forgot about us. We needed to know that they didn't. We needed to know that people still cared. So, make sure that you are still visiting, sending cards/emails and inviting them to do stuff. Even if they don't respond!!! Don't feel rejected. Don't take it personally. It's so hard to do anything the first few months. You need people to tell you what to do. You need people to help you get through each day. You don't have a clue what you need. It's so important just to make the effort and don't assume that it's unwelcome.
***Even though I lived this and wrote this, I still made this mistake. Weeks after I typed these words, Erik's friend passed away from cancer. He wanted to go to his family the next day and I encouraged him not to. I assumed that they would have a lot of people there and it would be better to wait until after the funeral when the visitors likely diminished. He felt the need to go anyway. I'm so glad he did. There was only 1 other family member comforting the family when he arrived. Though Erik is not a close friend or family member, he was able to help with their funeral arrangements. He was able to provide dinner for that night (no one brought them a meal or any type of food). He was able show them love in a real way. I'm so glad that he didn't listen to me.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Drowning
I've been wanting to create a blog for many months now. I've waited until my heart was in the right place to do it. I sincerely want to be able to explain what our experience has been like and provide tools that people can use so that they can help others when tragedy strikes. I believe that I'm in a good place to do that now.
So many of the grief books that I've been given are wonderful and comforting but I couldn't relate. They left me feeling like I was all alone in my experience. I've since learned that my experience is not uncommon. Now, my heart is being pulled to help others know that they are not alone.
This past year+ has been the worst experience that anyone could ever imagine. No one wants to walk through the nightmare of losing a child. Nothing else seems comparable. Losing Nate was horrific. But on top of losing our son, we also lost almost all of our friends and family. Almost everyone that we knew walked away from us during the first year and we felt all alone and like no one cared.
We've heard over and over and over again how people didn't know what to do so they didn't do anything. I don't want anyone else to have to go through this.
Though it's impossible to truly understand...I want people to have some concept of what losing a child is like. So, I've often explained it to others in the following ways:
It's like losing a leg. It's painful. It hurts. You are now an amputee. You used to have 2 legs like everyone else, but now you are different. You are never completely whole again. It takes a long time to get up and learn to walk. It's really, really hard work. Sometimes you fall down. Sometimes you can run. You learn to live without it but it never grows back. Your life moves forward but part of you is always missing.
Or...it's like playing in a football game. You're on the field battling. It's an endless battle. You're exhausted and out of fuel. Sometimes you have a good run and go forward a few yards. Sometimes you get sacked and you're flat on your back. There are many people in the stands cheering you on. They want you to succeed. They really do. But they're sitting comfortably in their seats, eating their hot dogs and drinking their sodas. You need people to help you strategize. You need people to bring you water. You need people to carry you to the 1st down marker. A few help coach you. But most people stay in their seats while you're fighting for your life on the field. You feel all alone.
But...I think that the best way to describe it is like you're drowning.
If you saw someone drowning, would you jump in and help them?
Would you risk being cold and uncomfortable?
Would you risk getting pulled under water to save someone else?
Most people would probably say of course they would jump in and rescue someone if they were drowning. We like to believe that we would be that type of person. But in reality, are we?
When Nate died it felt like someone dropped us off in the ocean 1000 miles from shore and said "swim back". In addition, we were attached to a flimsy raft where our other 4 scared and confused kids were clinging on . It was a heavy load and we were the weakest we had ever been. We never prepared for a swim like that and in fact just finished a marathon of 25 days fighting for Nate's life right before we were dropped off. We began a seemingly impossible journey exhausted.
When we were initially dropped into the ocean, many people surrounded us with their boats. They decorated the water around us, helped us pay for our journey there and sent many notes of sympathy. It felt so good to be loved. We really appreciated that support. But after the first week or so, most of the boats sailed away into the sunset. We buried our son and then we found ourselves in the middle of the ocean all alone.
We struggled to keep our heads above water. Some days we were stronger than others but most days we were drowning. We worked to make sure that our kids were safe. We worked to direct their raft where it needed to go. We tried to keep their heads above water. Many times it caused ours to go under.
We could see the boats go by that were filled with people that we knew. They were enjoying the sun and rejoicing with their friends and families. It was hard for us to see what our lives used to be like. How we used to have fun with friends. How we used to laugh and rejoice in our many blessings. We couldn't relate to that anymore. We were so far removed from that joy and happiness, it was hard to be around it. We couldn't ever imagine being happy or joyful again.
We also saw many party boats cruising by filled with family members. We had asked for previously planned events to be postponed given that our family was grieving -- but they weren't. As the party boats sailed by, we saw them laughing and smiling and having a wonderful time. We never saw them look our way to see if our heads were above water -- often times they weren't. Maybe that's why they didn't see us. We didn't understand how they could plan celebrations while we were 1000 miles from land and struggling to survive. We wondered if they missed our presence or if they would even notice if we just let go and sank into the abyss. We were so tired and drained. I couldn't imagine living like this forever. We were so far away from shore that we couldn't even see it. I was tempted to just let go.
Many boats would drop us some food. We needed food and were too far from shore to get it ourselves so that was really, really helpful. We were so incredibly thankful for that. But we had to tread water while we were eating. Because we were so exhausted, it was hard to catch our breath. From above the water we appeared somewhat normal. But under the water our bodies were constantly flailing about -- working hard to keep from sinking. We were running on empty.
Sometimes, a boat would stop by and let us climb on board to rest for a while. Occasionally, a boat would give us some direction on where we needed to go or how we could tread water more effectively. But most of the time, they would just speed on by. The wake the boats made would cause us to ingest water and sometimes start to sink. We would have to fight even harder to stay afloat.
A couple of our favorite boats invited us onto their houseboats. That was huge. We needed to regain some strength before we continued our swim. We needed to feel supported. It was a relief to be carried for a while.
To our surprise, a few boats going by that were filled with people we barely knew or complete strangers would jump in and tread water with us from time to time. We couldn't believe that people who didn't even know us would be willing to be wet and uncomfortable. It was nice to have the company and helped get us through many long and exhausting days.
But most of the time... we were alone. We sent out many "maydays" and flares to tell people that we were drowning and needed help. So many that we can't even count. It took a lot of energy to send those signals. So much energy that it would cause us to go under for a while. But we needed to risk it. We needed rescuing.
Many boats would confirm our signal but would continue on with their voyage. Most would say that they would be there to help us but then, we never heard from them again. Some seemed to hear our call for help but didn't understand the message so they would just throw us a rubber ducky. It was a nice gesture but it wasn't helpful.
There was almost always a reason why people weren't able to help us. Perhaps it's because they thought that we were strong and could swim alone. I don't know how anyone could be expected to swim 1000 miles alone. Perhaps some can but we couldn't. Or, maybe it's because they didn't want to get their comfortable, dry clothes wet. Wet clothes are uncomfortable and why be uncomfortable when you don't have to be.
In the last few months, we've gained strength from some wonderful people that have allowed us to rest on their boats, jumped in and swam with us and have continued to encourage us on. Surprisingly, almost all of those people were people that we barely knew or complete strangers a year ago. We never would have expected that they would have been the ones to rescue us. It's been hard on them. Because we didn't have a lot of support, we sadly wore some of them out. The ones that remain will always have a special place in our heart. We couldn't have continued swimming without their help. Honestly, I believe that we would still be drowning if they didn't jump in and help us.
At present, we are still swimming. We have developed a good stroke and are no longer treading water or going under. Most days the sky's are blue and the sun is shining. There are days when storms roll by and the sea's are very rough. Sometimes we are tussled around in the waves or swept off course by the current. Some days we are pushed under water by people or circumstances. It's still hard to get back to the surface when that happens.
We can see the shore now. It's under the blue sky. We're headed towards it. It will take us thousands of strokes to get there. We have a few lighthouses directing us and a few tugboats pulling us along. It's such a huge relief to finally know where we need to go and to have people that are helping us swim. We are lucky. We still have quite a journey ahead of us but we have the peace of knowing where we're going. When we arrive, we will be tired but stronger. We will never be the same.
I said all of this to help you understand what our life (and many others) is like. It's hard to help people when you haven't walked in those shoes and just don't know. I've talked with so many other families that have also lost their friends and family in similar experiences. It's so sad that this is typical. It shouldn't be.
When someone is hurting,
So many of the grief books that I've been given are wonderful and comforting but I couldn't relate. They left me feeling like I was all alone in my experience. I've since learned that my experience is not uncommon. Now, my heart is being pulled to help others know that they are not alone.
This past year+ has been the worst experience that anyone could ever imagine. No one wants to walk through the nightmare of losing a child. Nothing else seems comparable. Losing Nate was horrific. But on top of losing our son, we also lost almost all of our friends and family. Almost everyone that we knew walked away from us during the first year and we felt all alone and like no one cared.
We've heard over and over and over again how people didn't know what to do so they didn't do anything. I don't want anyone else to have to go through this.
When someone experiences a tragedy, they need support-- A lot of support.
Though it's impossible to truly understand...I want people to have some concept of what losing a child is like. So, I've often explained it to others in the following ways:
It's like losing a leg. It's painful. It hurts. You are now an amputee. You used to have 2 legs like everyone else, but now you are different. You are never completely whole again. It takes a long time to get up and learn to walk. It's really, really hard work. Sometimes you fall down. Sometimes you can run. You learn to live without it but it never grows back. Your life moves forward but part of you is always missing.
Or...it's like playing in a football game. You're on the field battling. It's an endless battle. You're exhausted and out of fuel. Sometimes you have a good run and go forward a few yards. Sometimes you get sacked and you're flat on your back. There are many people in the stands cheering you on. They want you to succeed. They really do. But they're sitting comfortably in their seats, eating their hot dogs and drinking their sodas. You need people to help you strategize. You need people to bring you water. You need people to carry you to the 1st down marker. A few help coach you. But most people stay in their seats while you're fighting for your life on the field. You feel all alone.
But...I think that the best way to describe it is like you're drowning.
If you saw someone drowning, would you jump in and help them?
Would you risk being cold and uncomfortable?
Would you risk getting pulled under water to save someone else?
Most people would probably say of course they would jump in and rescue someone if they were drowning. We like to believe that we would be that type of person. But in reality, are we?
When Nate died it felt like someone dropped us off in the ocean 1000 miles from shore and said "swim back". In addition, we were attached to a flimsy raft where our other 4 scared and confused kids were clinging on . It was a heavy load and we were the weakest we had ever been. We never prepared for a swim like that and in fact just finished a marathon of 25 days fighting for Nate's life right before we were dropped off. We began a seemingly impossible journey exhausted.
When we were initially dropped into the ocean, many people surrounded us with their boats. They decorated the water around us, helped us pay for our journey there and sent many notes of sympathy. It felt so good to be loved. We really appreciated that support. But after the first week or so, most of the boats sailed away into the sunset. We buried our son and then we found ourselves in the middle of the ocean all alone.
We struggled to keep our heads above water. Some days we were stronger than others but most days we were drowning. We worked to make sure that our kids were safe. We worked to direct their raft where it needed to go. We tried to keep their heads above water. Many times it caused ours to go under.
We could see the boats go by that were filled with people that we knew. They were enjoying the sun and rejoicing with their friends and families. It was hard for us to see what our lives used to be like. How we used to have fun with friends. How we used to laugh and rejoice in our many blessings. We couldn't relate to that anymore. We were so far removed from that joy and happiness, it was hard to be around it. We couldn't ever imagine being happy or joyful again.
We also saw many party boats cruising by filled with family members. We had asked for previously planned events to be postponed given that our family was grieving -- but they weren't. As the party boats sailed by, we saw them laughing and smiling and having a wonderful time. We never saw them look our way to see if our heads were above water -- often times they weren't. Maybe that's why they didn't see us. We didn't understand how they could plan celebrations while we were 1000 miles from land and struggling to survive. We wondered if they missed our presence or if they would even notice if we just let go and sank into the abyss. We were so tired and drained. I couldn't imagine living like this forever. We were so far away from shore that we couldn't even see it. I was tempted to just let go.
Many boats would drop us some food. We needed food and were too far from shore to get it ourselves so that was really, really helpful. We were so incredibly thankful for that. But we had to tread water while we were eating. Because we were so exhausted, it was hard to catch our breath. From above the water we appeared somewhat normal. But under the water our bodies were constantly flailing about -- working hard to keep from sinking. We were running on empty.
Sometimes, a boat would stop by and let us climb on board to rest for a while. Occasionally, a boat would give us some direction on where we needed to go or how we could tread water more effectively. But most of the time, they would just speed on by. The wake the boats made would cause us to ingest water and sometimes start to sink. We would have to fight even harder to stay afloat.
A couple of our favorite boats invited us onto their houseboats. That was huge. We needed to regain some strength before we continued our swim. We needed to feel supported. It was a relief to be carried for a while.
To our surprise, a few boats going by that were filled with people we barely knew or complete strangers would jump in and tread water with us from time to time. We couldn't believe that people who didn't even know us would be willing to be wet and uncomfortable. It was nice to have the company and helped get us through many long and exhausting days.
But most of the time... we were alone. We sent out many "maydays" and flares to tell people that we were drowning and needed help. So many that we can't even count. It took a lot of energy to send those signals. So much energy that it would cause us to go under for a while. But we needed to risk it. We needed rescuing.
Many boats would confirm our signal but would continue on with their voyage. Most would say that they would be there to help us but then, we never heard from them again. Some seemed to hear our call for help but didn't understand the message so they would just throw us a rubber ducky. It was a nice gesture but it wasn't helpful.
Some of them replied with apologies for not being there and acknowledged their own failures. A few stopped by to tell us that we weren't doing "it" the "right way". We couldn't believe that people would criticize us when we were drowning but there were several that did. A couple family members replied with a personal attack. We were so vulnerable and weak. We just didn't have the strength to overcome the rejection.
Others would say that they would be there at 2pm. We would think that all we had to do was make it until 2 and then we could rest for a while. We would countdown the minutes. But then 2 would come and go. 3 would come and go. And by the time they arrived at 4, we had ingested so much water, the rest wasn't beneficial.
There was almost always a reason why people weren't able to help us. Perhaps it's because they thought that we were strong and could swim alone. I don't know how anyone could be expected to swim 1000 miles alone. Perhaps some can but we couldn't. Or, maybe it's because they didn't want to get their comfortable, dry clothes wet. Wet clothes are uncomfortable and why be uncomfortable when you don't have to be.
In the last few months, we've gained strength from some wonderful people that have allowed us to rest on their boats, jumped in and swam with us and have continued to encourage us on. Surprisingly, almost all of those people were people that we barely knew or complete strangers a year ago. We never would have expected that they would have been the ones to rescue us. It's been hard on them. Because we didn't have a lot of support, we sadly wore some of them out. The ones that remain will always have a special place in our heart. We couldn't have continued swimming without their help. Honestly, I believe that we would still be drowning if they didn't jump in and help us.
At present, we are still swimming. We have developed a good stroke and are no longer treading water or going under. Most days the sky's are blue and the sun is shining. There are days when storms roll by and the sea's are very rough. Sometimes we are tussled around in the waves or swept off course by the current. Some days we are pushed under water by people or circumstances. It's still hard to get back to the surface when that happens.
We can see the shore now. It's under the blue sky. We're headed towards it. It will take us thousands of strokes to get there. We have a few lighthouses directing us and a few tugboats pulling us along. It's such a huge relief to finally know where we need to go and to have people that are helping us swim. We are lucky. We still have quite a journey ahead of us but we have the peace of knowing where we're going. When we arrive, we will be tired but stronger. We will never be the same.
I said all of this to help you understand what our life (and many others) is like. It's hard to help people when you haven't walked in those shoes and just don't know. I've talked with so many other families that have also lost their friends and family in similar experiences. It's so sad that this is typical. It shouldn't be.
When someone is hurting,
people should RUN TO them NOT FROM them.
So, I've spent a lot of time putting together some helpful advice. Know that these are no longer applicable to us. We have a good support system now and are doing okay.
These are ideas to help others that are drowning. Things that were or would have been helpful to us and other friends all of whom had similar loses. Please read my follow up posts for specifics on what to do so that you can help someone else. At the very least, know that the information is out there. Please reference this if you ever know of someone in a similar situation. I really hope that people can learn from our experience.
So, I've spent a lot of time putting together some helpful advice. Know that these are no longer applicable to us. We have a good support system now and are doing okay.
These are ideas to help others that are drowning. Things that were or would have been helpful to us and other friends all of whom had similar loses. Please read my follow up posts for specifics on what to do so that you can help someone else. At the very least, know that the information is out there. Please reference this if you ever know of someone in a similar situation. I really hope that people can learn from our experience.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Helpful Posts
When someone loses a child it is the most difficult thing that one could go through. What do you say? What do you do? So many people who try to be helpful get it wrong and others don't even try at all. Here are some posts that may be helpful in understanding how to be supportive to those that are grieving.
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