Prayers

Please keep my daughter's friend, Katie in your prayers this week. She is starting her 2nd round of chemo (4 day treatment) today. I took this picture of her last week. 2 days later, her hair fell out but she is still beautiful. Please pray that the treatment is successful and that she is able to stay clear of any complications.

I had a bad day

I remember that song being really popular around the time that Nate died. Every time I heard it I kept thinking that no one can even come close to knowing what a bad day is until they've lost a child. I don't think that I will ever forget that song because it had such a profound meaning in my life.

Yesterday, I had a really bad day. It's been a long time since that's happened. I can't even remember when it was. But yesterday, one storm after another kept hitting me:

• Summer's almost over (my favorite time of year -- I hate the FALL)
• School registration with tons of people ... most of which just ignored me like last year
• Pressure to re-connect with family
• More pressure to re-connect with family
• Kids singing songs about how much they miss their brother in heaven and wish he could come home
• Kids praying at dinner for God to give us a new baby
• Medical procedure looming over my head for next week

My whole world turned to darkness and I couldn't find an inch of blue sky anywhere. It was hard to be in that place again. It was the same place that I was for months after Nate died. It's weird how the good days get better but the bad days never get easier. They are the same as they were a year ago. Down in a deep dark pit with no light and no hope. It's so hard to climb out. It's so hard to have faith when God says No to everything you ask for. It's so hard to keep fighting for happy when you don't have any energy left. I can't even count how many times I just broke down and sobbed yesterday.


Today was better. A fresh start. I took my kids and we spent the day at the beach. It wasn't a great day but it was a good day. Much better than yesterday. I suppose that I get stronger every time I have to climb back out of that pit. I haven't had to do that for a while so I forgot how far down it is. I hope that it's a long time before I go back there again. I don't like it there. I want to be where the blue sky is.

Emotional vs. Physical

I made this comment on someone else's blog a couple weeks ago and just felt the need to post it on mine:

When someone gets run over by a semi-truck it takes a long time for them to recover. First they struggle to just take a simple breath on their own. They have to work hard to learn to eat again. After a lot of therapy they can stand. With the support of others, they take a few steps-- one at a time. Friends and family applaud their progress. They don't stand in judgement and tell them it's taking too long or that they are doing it wrong. Then, finally, after their body is healed they can run again. That takes time. It does not happen overnight.

I wish that people would understand that an emotional tragedy is just as devastating as a physical tragedy. For some reason, people expect someone that's buried their child to recover faster than someone that has been run over by a truck. I don't get that. I would think that in all cases, physical wounds would heal faster than emotional ones -- but that's how our society thinks.

Dr. Laura

I often listen to Dr. Laura on the radio. In fact, I've been listening to her for 19 years and even met her at a book signing 7 years ago for her children's book Where's God. On the show today, a caller was asking for advice on how to deal with her family. It was a completely different situation than mine but her response helped me understand what is likely happening in my life.

The caller was dealing with a major illness and though she was handling it well, her family was avoiding her. Dr. Laura told her that often times people in close relationships often feel a sense of relief when they realize that they aren't the ones that have been faced with a tragedy. That sense of relief often times causes them to feel guilty. Then, as a result of the guilt, they move into avoidance mode. So:

Relief causes Guilt which causes Avoidance

This must be why so many of us are dealing with our tragedy's without support. It made perfect sense to me. It seems like everyone in our family either has a new baby or is pregnant. This may be why I never hear from them. This may be why they avoid me. It's not the right way to handle it but it might be an explanation for their behavior. Maybe...just maybe it's not because of me. Maybe it's because of them.

Bitter or Better

This morning at church the topic was "Transformation Through Pain". I sat back and thought hmmm...this should be interesting. Our pastor talked about how everyone has pain in their lives (though he hasn't lost a child and probably doesn't truly understand what a different pain that is). He talked about how God uses that pain to transform us. It's our choice whether we decide to be transformed into a BITTER person or a BETTER person.

Acts 14:22 "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God." This stinks but it is true. Our life on Earth was never promised to be easy. We will face challenges and adversities. We will cry and we will grieve. Sadly, some more than others. Sadly, my hardship was my worst nightmare. The one thing in life that I hoped and prayed would never happen to me -- I had to bury my child. What other hardship could possibly be worse than that... except to have to do it more than once.


There were so many verses that just jumped out at me today. So many that I have embraced and so many more that I have struggled with. The message talked about how it's okay to wrestle with God when your life is turned upside down. When I thought about that I realized that wrestling really is the best way for your relationship to get stronger. That's what athletes do. They physically push themselves beyond what they think that they can handle. Their coaches know that their bodies are stronger than they think so they challenge them with pain, sweat and tears until their bodies are able to perform at their highest capabilities. I know that this is what God is doing to me. I know that God will always be stronger than me. I know that I can never "beat" Him. But, I also know that by wrestling with Him, I will gain strength and endurance. Most of all, I will gain compassion for I KNOW how much work and how much pain the process was.

2Cor 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

I am choosing to come out of this process a BETTER person and not a BITTER person. I am choosing to use my experience to help others walk this horrific path. I am choosing to grow closer to God. I am choosing to teach my kids that you have to RUN TO someone that is hurting and NOT FROM them (this is currently being practiced with my daughter's friend, Katie). I am choosing to be happy with the blessings that I have and not to be consumed with what I have lost.

*** As a side note, I just want to clarify something about my post yesterday in regards to the funeral. I do think that my in-laws were trying to be kind and helpful. I do not think that they had ill intent. I just think that they are clueless. And I find it hard to be around clueless people that I have to explain and defend myself to.

Checked off

I survived my first funeral. It's done, it's over, it's checked off of my list. I actually did better than I thought that I would. This entire week I was feeling weak and insecure. I was terrified of what people might say to me and how I might respond. It was consuming me. On Thursday, I met with a wonderful friend who I consider to be a Christian mentor. For some reason, she can say the hard stuff to me and I actually appreciate it. In fact, I welcome it. And that's exactly what she did. She reminded me that this wasn't about me. That I needed to support my husband while he buried his father. That I needed to stop pulling him away from his family no matter the reason (but she did agree that their offenses were inconceivable). That I needed to act how God wanted me to act : with love and compassion.

So that's exactly what I decided to do. I physically lifted my head up, ruffled my feathers for protection and started practicing how I was going to respond to every question that I could imagine being asked. I practiced with my friend and then by myself all throughout the night on Thursday (I didn't sleep well). I was determined to be friendly, polite and happy ... or at least that's the impression that I wanted everyone to have of me.

Luckily, my dear friend from Northern Ca. had offered to fly in for the day to protect me...I mean go with me. That helped my confidence too. My husband is a wonderful man but he has never been good at protecting me from his family.

The kids and I decided not to go to the morning burial at the military cemetery an hour away. None of us were up for the images and memories that would come from that. I felt bad that my husband had to drive out to the cemetery alone and that I wouldn't be able to hold his hand as he said his final goodbye's to his father, but he understood. So, the kids and I met him at the Memorial Service in the afternoon. We arrived 10 minutes late (I'm never late but it was a CRAZY morning) and by then it was standing room only in the back. So that's where we stood.

The service was nice. Many wonderful things were said and felt. Then a couple of family members spoke about how important "family" was to his Dad. That nothing could ever be said to justify breaking the "family" apart. About how his dad always overlooked offenses that were made against him and forgave family members. I looked at my friend and said "are they talking about us"? It really seemed like the focus of the eulogy turned to reconciling us with the family. Even my husband mentioned that it was a strange speech that seemed pointed in that direction. Then another family member spoke about how we shouldn't be sad that his dad died because he is in Heaven. He said that we shouldn't mourn his death but should instead celebrate his life. It sounded like he was speaking directly to us when he further explained that though they will miss his dad, we shouldn't focus on the loss and we should get on and live a happy life. I will add that this person has two healthy boys -- one being a newborn. He has never experienced a tragedy and to my knowledge has never had to bury anyone under 70 years old. I just don't understand how anyone can give others advice when they haven't walked in their shoes. And I might add that this is an extremely strong Christian family that should be familiar with Ecclesiastes 3:4 There is a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. Even God says it's okay to grieve.

I haven't seen these people since we begged them (in person) for help last Summer and they walked away and we didn't hear from them again for many months. How could they possibly have the nerve to say those things? I don't know why I was shocked -- I should have expected nothing less. But I was. I never anticipated this at all.

After the service, I waited in the lobby area with my kids -- using the excuse that I had to keep an eye on them. My husband was busy making his way around to all of the guests. I barely saw him and was so glad that I had a friend by my side so I wasn't alone. Some of the family members trickled out to say hello. Many didn't and that was fine with me. I was extremely polite and friendly (my friend confirmed this). I was so proud of myself. I congratulated everyone on their new babies (everyone in that family under 45 is either pregnant or has a new baby) and told them how nice it was to see them. Many commented on how big my kids were now and I wanted so badly to say "What do you expect? You haven't seen them for over a year". But I didn't. I just simply nodded and decided to take the high road.

After 3 hours (yes, I lasted 3 hours), we decided to leave. One of the family members chased us down to tell us that they were having everyone over to their house for a gathering and would really like us to come. She put a lot of pressure on me. It was very uncomfortable. I explained that I had a friend in town and wouldn't be able to go but that my husband would be joining them. She was disappointed and strongly encouraged me to come with my friend.

I realized after that his family has absolutely no clue what we are going through. The fact that they would use a memorial to try and correct the dissention in the family (that THEY caused) and tell us how to move on from our grief was a shock to me. Even more of a shock was the fact that they would expect me to come to a family gathering filled with people that completely bailed on us and that would include 1 toddler (born 4 months before Nate), 1 baby, 2 newborns and 1 pregnant sister. How is that even possible?

On top of it all, I realized just how little importance Nate had in their lives. When Nate died unexpectedly, not one of them came over to our house (they all gathered together at someone else's house to pray and for fellowship). None of them hosted a reception for us after the funeral. Not one of them followed us home to make sure that we were okay after we buried our son (as a side note someone did "drop" off a meal for that night). It was hard for me to see the "family" unite and do all of those things AND MORE for his dad. They were surrounding his mom constantly and giving her tons of support. I understand that they knew and loved his dad and had many memories with him. I understand that it was a different circumstance. But honestly, our son was a Larson. He was family. And even if they didn't care about him, it would have been nice if they would have done those things for us -- no doubt that they do know us.

Update on Katie

Her fever is down and the antibiotics are working. She has ZERO white blood cells so it's hard for her body to fight off anything. She should be discharged tomorrow if all goes well.

Please continue to pray. We spent an hour with them last night (before the fever) and they have a long road ahead. Her cancer is at Stage 3 but it is non-amplified. She has a 75% chance of recovery but Nate had a 90% chance...so anything can happen.

Please pray!

Just received an email that my daughter's friend, Katie has 102 degree fever and was transported to CHLA by ambulance. Any type of fever during chemo is extremely dangerous!

PLEASE PRAY FOR HEALING!!!

good feeling

I received an award last week. That's not something that typically happens in my life. Like most stay at home moms, we are rarely recognized for cleaning the house, driving carpools, making dinner and washing clothes. So, it was a really nice feeling.

Veronica was kind enough to give it to me. My Nate was born the same week as her Audrey 17 months ago. We just connected via blogging but it's weird to see how our lives took such different turns after our babies were born. Luckily, hers is happy and healthy and she has not had to walk the path that I have. She does make darling little hats which I hope to order someday if God blesses us with another baby. Feel free to check out her blog if you are interested (hopefully I did the link right).

The Veronica Blog

I am supposed to write about 10 honest things that you don't know about me and send this award to 7 other people. I'm so sorry to drop the ball but I just don't have it in me right now to do that. This week has been tough. Lots of expectations and stresses with the upcoming funeral. Looking forward to having this one behind me.

Ribbons for Katie

This past weekend, my 10 year old (#5) played in another soccer tournament. We went out and bought blue and lime ribbons for everyone on the team to honor Katie. She is currently playing for a rival club and those are her team colors. The girls also wrote #3 on their hands (Katie's number). It was very sweet to see a group of 10 year old girls honoring a fellow competitor and friend. It was especially sweet because 10 year old girls don't wear ribbons...especially their rivals colors.

Katie is doing well. She received 4 rounds of chemo last week and returned home this weekend. The test results are coming back negative showing that the cancer hasn't spread -- praise God! She still has a long fight ahead of her but she is very tough. Her soccer club, school and neighbors are all stepping up and coordinating fundraisers for her family, providing meals and tons of emotional support. It's so nice to see that.

I'm so happy for them. I know how much of a difference it makes to feel like you are loved and cared for. Please keep Katie in your prayers. I'll let you know if there is any news -- good or bad.

The things people say...

Today I'm trying something new. I've been following Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace for a while but have never attempted to engage in her "walking with you" forums. Today, I'm going to attempt it. I actually wrote this post a while ago but thought that I would post it again. I believe that most people ran away from us after Nate died because they didn't know what to say or do. If people know "what to say" or "what NOT to say" maybe they will be more likely to walk with a grieving mother. At least that is my hope and prayer.


Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29

I don't want people to feel as if they are on thin ice around the grief-stricken. Of course it's uncomfortable. Of course, you don't want to say anything to further upset them. And, if you haven't been in that situation, you don't know what to say. So, I've put together some pitfalls to avoid. Surprisingly, these are the most common comments we received. Many of these are taken from a book titled Sunrise Tomorrow.

"Call me if you need me." Grief stricken people are way to far in the dark to ask for help. They need people to reach out to them. They probably don't even know what they need. It's much easier to say "Thanks, but no thanks" than it is to say "Does anyone care?" So call them. If they don't call back, send an email. If they still don't respond keep doing it. Don't give up! They may not be able or ready but it doesn't hurt (and even helps) to keep trying.

"How are you doing?" This question is asked so commonly. Often times it's not sincere. Even when it is asked with good intentions, it's a very difficult question to answer. It's hard to gage if someone REALLY wants to know what you are struggling with or if they just want confirmation that you're okay (even if you're not). If you are having a heart to heart conversation, this question may be appropriate. But don't use it flippantly.

"God won't give you more than you can handle." I can't even begin to count the number of times we were told this. The bible actually doesn't even say that. It says that God won't tempt you beyond your capabilities. In fact the bible is full of circumstances that are way beyond what anyone can handle.

"You're still young." That may be true but it's not comforting to someone in the middle of a deep dark pit of grief. It makes it sound like the pain that they are in doesn't matter because of their age. Grief knows no age.

"You'll be okay because everyone is praying for you." There are no promises in the bible regarding that. Thousands prayed for Nathan to live and he didn't. The same is true for most others that pass after fighting lengthy diseases. Keep praying...just don't make any promises on behalf of God.

"God must have a reason." God can bring goodness out of the pain and sadness. But if someone died, it's hard to see beyond the pain. Save that one for later."Are you better now?" Some people don't want to deal with the grief. They wait until people are back to normal to engage. People who are grieving need support when they are hurting. Run to them. If you're spending time with them, you'll know how their doing. You won't even need to ask this question.

"Be strong." People need to get the grief out. It's really unhealthy to pretend or deny the feelings. Encourage them to be weak and tell them that you'll be strong so they don't have to.

"It's time to pull out of this depression." Intense grief will last at least a year. During that time, survival day to day is all that can be expected. The second year is about learning how to go on and live life without the loved one. It's still a very tough year. The earliest one can expect to be "okay" again is two years. Of course everyone is different. But for those that deal with the grief in a healthy way, it's usually about two years and then it will re-surface off and on for the rest of their lives.


Why- People think that they have to fix it with words. They think that if they say the right thing, they can make it all better. The truth is that rarely did someone say something that helped. The people that offered us the most support are the people that would just be there. They would listen without judging us or telling us that what we're feeling is wrong. All of these comments were said to me at one time or another. Most of them didn't hurt deeply. But some did. The ones that hurt the most were from the people that only said that one comment. When a bad comment is surrounded by tangible love and caring, it doesn't usually hurt.

Just what I hoped for

When I started this blog, my intention was to send it to all of our friends and family. I felt like I needed to teach them what to do when someone loses a child or experiences a tragedy. Obviously they didn't know as evidenced by their actions (or lack of action). After much prayer, I received input from my husband and a close friend that this was not my job. My words might hurt them and when God thought that they were ready, He would teach them this lesson.

So, I just started my blog not knowing who it might help. At first, not too many people read it -- 161 total in the first week. But then a handful of people posted links to it from their blogs and now 9 weeks later almost 3,000 people have seen it. That's a very small number compared to many other blogs out there. But, that's really amazing to me. Of course, not everyone actually "reads" my blog but still, my thoughts and experiences have been able to touch other peoples lives. Many others.

Yesterday, I noticed over 100 people logged on. This was a very large number considering that I haven't posted for 3 days. So, I looked to see where they were coming from. I noticed that they came from a website called THE BUMP.COM. It's a website for pregnant women and is an extension of THE KNOT.COM.

It took a while for me to figure out how they were getting to my site from this one but at 10:57 last night, I figured it out. Someone had posted a question in the forum section asking for advice on what to do for a friend who's baby died. Many people responded. Most with the typical bring a meal, send a card type stuff. But then someone posted this:


Meals helped us. There is a lady who had a loss and she wrote a whole blog about how to help.. hope she doesn't mind me posting here, but maybe you can find an idea there..
http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2009/06/drowning.html


Isn't that cool? That's just what I hoped for. I hoped that by putting our experience and my suggestions out there, people would use it as a reference. That they would send it to people who are in that situation. I can't believe that's what actually happened. It just melted my heart. Oh, how I hope that it helped that woman who lost her child. My heart just aches for anyone going through this.

happiest place on earth?

Today, I took my kids to Disneyland for a few hours. We live only 25 minutes away and have annual passes so we are frequent visitors. We've been trying to stay busy this week since my husband has been spending all day, every day with his dad. I thought that this would be a good distraction for all of us.

Disney Corporation markets Disneyland as "the happiest place on earth". I agree for the most part. It is pretty happy. But while we were at "the happiest place on earth", my husband called to say that his dad had "checked out". I suddenly had a new perspective. The words that he chose were actually pretty profound. In reality, his dad checked out of this life and he's the one that checked into "the happiest place on earth -- Heaven".

Even Disneyland can't compare to Heaven. It's hard to imagine what it's like there. I think about it a lot now that it's the place where my son lives. I wish that I knew more about it. I wish that I could see what it was like. I wish that I could have a glimpse of Nate. I wish that I could visit just for a moment. But, that's where faith comes in. If we could see all of that...we wouldn't need faith.

I do know that I am sad, angry and jealous. It's not fair that my father-in-law gets to be with Nate and I don't. I'm really having a hard time with that one. He's my son and I should be the one that knows everything about him. And yet, I know nothing.

I'm anticipating this week to be tough. I have a lot of anxiety about the funeral and about seeing his family for the first time. It will be good when it's over.

By the way, if you haven't left a comment on my post "Please pray for Katie", please do so. I really want to fill it up so that I can send it to her parents. I know how much it helped us when we were fighting for Nate's life to hear that people all over the country were praying for him. I just want to do the same for them.

Please pray for Katie

If you are reading this, I NEED you to pray for my daughter's friend. She is a beautiful 9 year old girl that my daughter played with on a competitive soccer team last year. She underwent surgery at CHLA (the same hospital we were at with Nate) yesterday. We just received this email from her dad this morning:

The tumor in Katie's abdomen was diseased and Katie was diagnosed as having Neuroblastoma. Neuroblastoma is a malignant (cancerous) tumor that most commonly begins in the abdomen in the tissues of the adrenalgland - where Katie's was. It can spread to the lymph nodes, liver,bones, and bone marrow. In addition to the tumor a few of Katie's lymphnodes were removed because they were clearly diseased as was her rightadrenal gland. All other areas appear normal. While she was still in the OR, bone marrow samples were also taken from her hip area and the test results will tell us a lot about how much it has spread and how tough the battle ahead will be. It is a very treatable (and curable)form of cancer and significant treatment advancements have been made recently.

If you have prayed for Katie, please leave a comment with your name and state. I would love to send her family an email and tell them how many prayers from across the country are being sent on their behalf.

Tough stuff

Life is rough right now. I had a very spiritual day yesterday and planned on writing about what God was teaching me. About how I've grown in the Lord and what I've learned. About what I've been praying for and how He is answering me. But instead, I'm sharing some tough stuff that I'm experiencing right now. I try to stay positive but I'm not one to pretend that everything is okay when it isn't. So, this is what I'm struggling with:

• Yesterday, I ran into an old MOPS friend at a bookstore. She commented on how big my kids were getting and asked where the "new" one was. I replied "in Heaven" and watched her brain process the words that I said -- it's weird how you can physically see it. Most people just say "I'm sorry" and move on. She was kind and asked for more information. We ended up sitting and talking for a while. I didn't think that 16 months later, I would still have to face these situations. Doesn't everyone in the world know that Nate died? It feels like they should.

• I have three people that are currently trying to reconnect. I haven't responded to them and really don't want to. I feel like it's hanging over my head. I want to move on but two of them are family and I will need to have those difficult conversations with them. It just takes so much energy. Pouring your heart out to someone, letting them see your pain and then watching them walk away while you sink to the bottom of the ocean. Not fun.

• My father-in-law is dying. He will likely pass this week. My husband is sad. My kids are sad. I'm trying to hold it together. Everything is just a reminder of when Nate died. This will be my first funeral. It will be my first time seeing most of my husbands family since we buried our son. I don't know if I'm prepared for everything. I don't know if I can do this.

Seasons

My last post has gotten me thinking a lot about this season of life that I am in. It's a new season. One that I've never experienced before. One that I had hoped that I never would experience. But...I am here.

For many years, I was proud of the fact that I had so many friends. I had a group of friends from MOPS that I had so much fun with. We would have girls nights out, play bunco and would share our weekly experiences every Friday at MOPS. I had a group of friends from church. I was a ministry leader there and got to work with a lot of people. I invested a lot of time and effort in my community service ministry and thought that I was making the world a better place in doing so. I had a group of friends in my neighborhood. I would enjoy playing outside with my kids and talking to my neighbors. We had movie nights in the park, block parties and camp outs together. I had a group of friends from my kids school. We would do play dates and birthday parties together. I had a group of friends from my kids sports. We spent many hours every week socializing on the fields and doing fun stuff with our kids. I had friends from high school and college that I've known forever and would regularly get together with. I thought that I had a lot of friends. For goodness sake, I sent out 150-200 Christmas cards every year.

Last year, I sent out about 20 Christmas cards. I mostly handed them to people that were spending time with us last December. I only wanted to give them to the few people that were keeping us from drowning. I ended up giving them to a couple of family members as well, but I didn't want to.

So in 1 year, I went from having 200 friends to 20. That's a season that I never envisioned for myself. Luckily, I have made many new friends since then and will have more to send out this year. But, I don't think that I'll ever send out 200 Christmas cards again. I think that I define friendship differently now.

A few weeks back, I ran into someone at a party. This person used to be someone that was on my Christmas card list. We used to be in a bible study together but now we just see each other once in a while at other people's parties. I mentioned something to her about not having many friends left after Nate died. She got defensive and said that she still considers us to be friends. As I thought about it I was bothered. I guess we are friends because we aren't enemies. But is that really a friend? Someone who isn't an enemy. Is that how God envisioned friendship? That's not how I envisioned friendship.

When Nate died, I thought that my friends would run to my side. I imagined them dropping everything and helping me through. That's what happens in the movies so that's what I expected. I did have one friend that dropped everything, but that was it. A couple of them helped out the first week but then I didn't hear from them again for a long time. Everyone else pretty much just went on with life as usual. Most brought us a meal but after that box was checked off their list, they checked out. Some of my friends from college didn't even take the day off work to come to my son's funeral. I don't want those types of friendships anymore. I don't want to be that type of friend either. In this season of life, I would prefer to have 5 really good friends than 200 fun friends. It's easy to find friends to celebrate with. It's not easy to find friends to mourn with.