punkin...inside and out

 

Last Halloween I had no idea what this little punkin looked like.

 

 

 

Heck...I didn't even know that he was a boy and to be honest...I didn't even know that he would live (oh how I struggled with that one).  I just hoped and prayed and kept busy on Halloween by painting a jack-o-lantern on my 7 month pregnant belly.

 

I still can't believe that was Brady inside there just a year ago...

I do NOT like the month of October. 

By far my least favorite month of the year.

It gets dark before dinner. 

The kids have tons of homework.

The bright, cheery mornings turn overcast and dreary.

Most of all, our neighborhood decorates their houses with tons of yucky decorations that remind me of cemetarys (and the stores do it too!). 

Again...I do not like October. 

 



 

It's almost done (YAY) and I do cherish the good memories that I have of this month. I cherish these sweet little kids that light up my life every single day and the 15 minute pumpkin patch visit to get a few pics in between our crazy sports schedule!

 

 

requesting advice...

Brady is 10 months old ALREADY.  Seriously, where does the time go? 

How is it possible that I only have 2 more months of his first year?  Ugh.  I'm so incredibly grateful for him but not at all happy about how fast it is going.  I just want time to freeze for a little while...

I'm starting to think about and plan for his 1st birthday party.  I've always made 1st birthday's a big deal.  I'm talking about HUGE backyard parties with lots of friends and family.  Like 75+ people.   Crazy I know.  But it was fun.  Super fun to share all of my kids' first birthdays with everyone that we were "doing life" with back then.

But Nathan changed everything.  I've said that a lot.  But it's true.  Life is just so different now and I'm having trouble navigating.

I only have ONE chance to celebrate Brady's 1st birthday.  I want to do it right.  I don't want to regret doing it wrong.  It's a big deal for us.  Huge in fact.  1st Birthday's are not a guarantee.  They are a gift.  There are a lot of things that can go wrong in the first year (which is why babies have so many check-ups during that time). 

I'm having trouble deciding how to celebrate it.  December is NOT a month where I can do a huge backyard party (even in Southern California).  It will have to mostly be inside.  That will necessitate a smaller number alone.  But I don't know HOW small to keep it.

• We only had 8 people at his dedication.  Do we keep it that small?  Just immediate family and a couple of friends from our support group.

• Do we include some family but not the ones that were selfish and insensitive by making choices that continually felt like they were pushing us under water while we were already drowning? 

• Do we let go of the hurt and rise above the way that we were treated by including ALL of the family?

I would love to have some advice with this decision.  I definitely have a preference but I don't know that it's right.  It's what I'm comfortable with but God might have a different opinion.  I know that it will be really hard for me to welcome most of my husband's family into my home and share such a special (one time) event with them but if that's the RIGHT thing to do, then I want to do the right thing. 

Please, please, please share with me your opinions.  Especially if you feel like God is leading you to tell me.

Couldn't resist sharing a pic that I took over the weekend.  I'm not a "fan" of Fall, but I do love this Fall pic. 

This day...

Today...this day...is pregnancy and infant loss day.  4 1/2 years ago I joined this club.  The club that no one wants to belong too.  The club that has far too many members.  

Today, this club honors and remembers its' children.  Not that they aren't honored and remembered every single day of every single year.  But today, this club asks the world to honor and remember them too.

You see, in my life, my son is rarely acknowledged.  We talk about Nate with our kids on a daily basis.  He's part of our lives.  Every Single Day!  But others don't.  My family NEVER brings up Nate's name.  They never discuss him, ask how we are dealing with his death or remember him in any way.  And in my husbands very large family it's only slightly better.  A couple of family members remember him at Christmas and on his birthday but nothing is mentioned the other 363 days of the year.

So today I join this community and remember my sweet baby along with all of the other precious children that we are learning to live without.  My heart aches for all of the mommies and daddies out there today.  It's an important day but a hard one as well.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

I'm guesting today...

I am completely humbled and honored to say that I was chosen to guest on a very special blog today.    Please check it out here:

God's Angels Gone Early

Dedicating a R A I N B O W

 

 

In August, we dedicated our sweet rainbow. 

I've  been wanting to post about it but just haven't had the time so today is the day.  Since it's Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, I am going to be posting more often in October.

Dedicating Brady brought upon a tremendous amount of anxiety for me.  From the moment he was born, I had been struggling with how to dedicate him.  In the past, with the first 4 kids, we didn't think twice about it.  We dedicated them at church during the first 6 months of their life.  We made it a huge celebration but we also used it as an invitation for our non-Christian friends to come to church with us. We stood in front of our congregation and we promised to raise each of our kids in accordance with God's plan.  Then, we had a big party for each of them which included lunch for 50-75 people.  Life was good back then.

Then Nathan changed everything.  We never got the opportunity to bring Nathan in front of our congregation.  We never got the opportunity to introduce Nathan to most of our family and friends (only a handful of people ever met him in the hospital).  Instead, we held his lifeless body up in that cold, sterile hospital room as we sat there with our Pastor just moments after his death.  Together, the three of us dedicated his life (all 25 days) to God.  It sucked.  It was not a celebration.  There was no lunch following.  There was no party.

We didn't know how to dedicate Brady.  We weren't comfortable doing a public service in front of our congregation.  We don't have any of the same friends as we did before.  Our family relationships are strained at best.  As I have said before, Nathan changed everything.

One day in July I was sitting in church.  Tears filled my eyes as I prayed to God to help us figure out the proper way to dedicate Brady.  He answered.  Suddenly, I knew the perfect way to do it.  A way to thank God, celebrate Brady, remember Nathan and not leave me anxiety filled.  God truly answered my prayer that day.

We decided to dedicate him down by the beach (just 20 minutes from our house) and one of my most favorite places on Earth (isn't it beautiful).  We limited the invitations.  Only a few select family members and two friends that helped us walk the grief path.  It was very small. 

We met our Pastor there just before sunset and together we dedicated Brady - just the 7 of us.  I needed that private time.  That was for us.  Just for us.  We held him tight and I wept.  I didn't want to share that intimate moment with others.  I will savor his dedication for ever.  It was perfect.

Then at Sunset, the others arrived.  Our Pastor did a formal dedication for them.  In that moment our Pastor shared scripture about how God used the Rainbow as a covenant with his people.   But then he said something that I had not previously realized.  He said:

"In order for a Rainbow to appear, there has to be two things:  Sunshine AND Rain.  The rainbow doesn't appear when the storm is over.  It appears when there is still rain."

He further explained that it's still raining.  Our storm isn't over.  It's true.  Our storm has lessened and the winds have calmed but there will always be rain.  Nathan's death changed everything. 

His dedication day turned out to be perfect.  I brought a cake and some decorations down to the beach to make it more of a party.  The kids wanted so badly to have a baby shower for him but we didn't.  So I let them pick out some stuff at the party store.  Poor Brady's baby book has a lot of empty pages (Baby Shower's & Welcome Parties).  I hope that someday he understands.  Life is just very different now.