Wishing you...

A Beautiful Christmas!

Making a point to enjoy the love, chaos, fun, stress, laughter, grief & PEACE.  Christmas 2014 will never happen again so I'm savoring every moment.  This day is even more important to me in recent years.  It is because of Jesus that I will get to see Nate again.  

I'm so exhausted from everything that is "Christmas".  Looking forward to the 26th - one of my new favorite days of the year!

celebrating...3!

Happy 3rd Birthday sweet Brady Ryan!

Three years ago you brought the sunshine back into our lives and continue to shine your rainbow each and everyday.  You are wise beyond your years.  Last week both your Pediatrician and a speech therapist told us that your vocabulary and communication skills are those of a 1st grader.  That melted my heart because your sweet brother, Nate would have been in the first grade this year.   God is giving us a little piece of him through you (sigh).  We can't imagine life without you and hope that we never have to.

You'll NEVER guess what my daughter asked Santa for...

Seriously...could I get a better gift than this?  I don't think so.  Taking a moment out of my insanely busy life to be grateful for what I have and treasure this moment.  This was the ONLY thing she asked for this year!

PS-  Don't tell her I peeked!

Sometimes an "I know" is all we need...

When I gave birth the very first time and was filled with overwhelming and unimaginable love ...a friend visited me in the hospital and all she said was "I know".

When I struggled with potty training my oldest son and thought I was going to have to send him to college in diapers...my entire MOPS table said "I know".

When my kids were 5 and 19 months and I found out I was pregnant with twins I cried for days and days feeling completely overwhelmed...I met another mom with similar aged kids at COSTCO and she said "I know".  

Somehow, knowing that we aren't alone brings comfort.  Walking through life with people that understand soothes our souls.  God wants us to live in community.  He wants us to use our experiences to help one another.  Through the years I have found so much comfort in knowing others that can honestly say "I know".

After Nate died, I felt like NO ONE knew.  Like NO ONE understood.  Like NO ONE cared.  It was very lonely.  Very isolating.  I searched for a community of people that could say "I know".  I didn't know about this amazing blogging community back then.  It was hard to find people that understood.  Much comfort and healing came from being with people that could offer me those two words.  That's all it took.  Two words to completely turn my day around.

This week I received an email from a family member that was hurtful.  I realize that it was written from a place of misunderstanding.  From someone that can't say "I know".  From someone that has absolutely no clue about who I am at this point in my life.  From someone that doesn't even want to try.

It's in these situations that I long for someone to say "I know".  For the comfort and the reassurance that my path has been walked before and that I am not alone.  But there are few that do know.  There are few that understand.  That part is hard.

However, it is this struggle that magnifies the blessings.  True blessings that are abundantly present in my life. This week as we give thanks, I pray that I am able to put that at the forefront of my thoughts and ditch the conflict.  Conflict sucks!  Can I get an "I KNOW" for that one?!!!!!

stitches, rashes and halloween...oh my!

September was so crazy busy that I didn't even have a chance to get on my computer.  School starting x3, teacher switching (on the 10th day of school!), back to school night x3, all 3 girls' birthdays, husband traveling, nightly sports practices x4 (sometimes driving 100 miles per day), gymnastics competitions, soccer games, homework.  

Crazy.  Like wake up at 4am every day and can't go back to sleep because you are so stressed CRAZY!  

So...that's where I've been.  

I tried to change my "everyday is Groundhog day" attitude this month.  The month that is my least favorite.  

**SIDE NOTE- why do people have to put gravestones, skeletons and bloody looking creepy things in their front yard to decorate????   I don't get it and I don't like it!  Am I the only one?

So my wonderful outgoing, friendly, optimistic personality started coming out this month...NOT!  So far in addition to the above crazy stuff with 5 kids, I've had to deal with stitches (removal of a cyst in my older son's mouth that had complications) and now Brady is covered in some kind of yucky rash that has yet to be officially diagnosed (first thought to be chicken pox and now maybe hand foot mouth?) It has been tricky getting everyone else where they need to go with a contagious 2 year old.  I just love dealing with medical stuff - not!  But I do love having extra cuddle time with my sweet boys - just hoping I don't break out in a rash next week!

FUN TIMES!!!

Why can't Fall and I get along?  I even tried to embrace the month by taking my kids to the pumpkin patch (our "pumpkin patch" is in the middle of the mall parking lot) -- mostly for a photo op as I was not about to pay for those expensive pumpkins or expensive rides.  Did get some cute pics though....

Am I the only one out there that doesn't like the FALL?

the grief of a child - part 2

Sometimes...your brother's death gives you a different perspective.   Sometimes...spending day after day in a hospital filled with critically ill children gives you compassion.  Sometimes...feeling helpless and sad leads you to take action.

This is how my oldest is managing her grief.  She is trying to turn it around and make something beautiful with it.  Four months after Nate died, she discovered Soccer for Hope.  I've posted about it a few times:

2010
2012
2013

This past December, the couple that founded the organization to help raise money for pediatric cancer research and treatment had to bury their SECOND child.  Their daughter Abella who was born 5 years after they started the camps died from Cancer (their son Hudson died in 2008 - just after Nate).

Our entire family has been involved with helping this organization and raising money for it, but my oldest has embraced it the most.  She LOVES soccer and has a heart for sick kids.  A perfect match.

This year she raised $1,305 from donations and bake sales.  Overall, in the past 6 years, she has raised over $7,000.  Pretty amazing for one kid.

I see other teens that have lost siblings or experienced tragedies experimenting with destructive things.  I'm so grateful that she chooses to focus on helping others.  I hate that she has had such a rough childhood...but I love how she is choosing to live her life.

Mia Hamm stopped by the camp again this year.  She visited in 2008 (just after Nate died) and personally spoke with my daughter.  Mia's brother also died...it was so important to know that she wasn't alone.  I just love when our sports idols are also amazing human beings.

the grief of a child

A few weeks back we rented the movie Heaven is For REAL!

I read the book when it first came out.  I found a lot of comfort in it.  It helped me make peace with Nate's death and gave me comfort by reminding me that I will get to see him again.  Don't get me wrong, I hate every single thing about Nate dying.  Every.  Single.  Thing.  But God used that book to help bring me comfort.

I immediately passed it on to my oldest daughter who was also still struggling with his death.  Like me, it restored some hope that had been lost and soothed the sting of losing him.

So, I was excited to see the movie and sharing the story with the rest of my family.  I didn't think twice about it.

I should have.

My twins, who were 3 1/2 when he died were hysterical after the movie.  Sobbing and sobbing.  Reminded of what they lost.  Regretful that they never got to hold or get to know their brother.

They spewed words of anger toward God.  Why him?  Why us?  Why?  Why?  Why?...Over and over again. 

I found myself defending God.

I presented a defense that I knew would help them make peace with their loss but one that I myself don't completely understand.

Eventually...they fell asleep.  
The grief has yet to return.  
Life has gone on.  
But I know it's still there.   
I know that they are not capable of understanding it.  I know that it will come back.  I know that March 30, 2008 changed the life of our entire family forever.  

It's hard.  Everything about it is just hard.

 

It's official...he is swimming!

I'm not sure why this is so important to me.  Probably because the #1 cause of death for children under 4 is drowning.  I have already walked this path.  I DO NOT want to walk it again.

Paranoid...a little.  Overprotective...a lot!

I feel so much more vulnerable with him.  Before Nate, I knew that bad things could happen but now I KNOW that bad things DO HAPPEN.  

I'm scared.  A lot!

So this Summer I was hopeful that I could teach him to swim.  Not so he could have fun.  So he could live to be 3.  No budget for swimming lessons this year.  But, I watched many a swimming lesson with my other 4.   I was fairly confident that I could teach him.

It helped that he LOVES the water.  No fear at all (another reason that I wanted him to swim).

So now at 2 1/2, Brady can officially swim!

In no way is he water safe!  In fact, he is overly confident and thinks that he can swim across the pool...he's not even close.  I can't take my eyes off him for a second.  In fact, I tell my other kids not to talk to me when I am in the water with Brady because I need to focus on keeping him safe and I know that it only takes a second... 

my highlight reel?

Last weekend at church the message was about our highlight reels.  How we, as a society, tend to only share the highlights of our life with most people and purposely leave out the dysfunction reality.  Evidently this is especially true on social media.   
Amazing pictures = amazing life!?!

I feel like the opposite of that.  I feel like what I share on social media is complete dysfunction.  My sorrow, my anxiety, my fears, my sadness, my loneliness.    Not exactly my highlight reel.

Here's some insight into my latest highlight reel - or not...

I have been complaining all Summer about only having one car (my 10 year old suburban bit the dust almost two months ago).   So we have been sharing my husbands minivan.  A minivan that I do not like.  A minivan that I do not feel safe in (I was in two serious car accidents before and only feel safe in big trucks).  A minivan that he promised that I would never have to drive (it was supposed to be his car).  And now guess who's spending hours a day driving kids to sports?  Oh ya...and just to let you know how much that minivan loves me driving it...broken cooling system, flat tire, new battery & broken automatic door.  It was completely FINE until I started driving it!

Four of our kids are involved in high end competitive sports.  Sports that are extremely expensive and time consuming.  So much money that we have had to change our lifestyle.  We re-worked our entire budget and many line items were removed.  Car payments were one of them.  So we are still sharing.  Committed to living within our means and committed to allowing our kids to do what they LOVE.  Even when we have to do without.

WOW that sounds like something on a highlight reel...I'm such a wonderful mother that makes sacrifices for her children.  NOT!!!  My attitude is crummy.  Ungrateful.  Needing an adjustment.  BIG TIME!  All I can think of is how I want that new Suburban.  The 2015.  The fancy one with a backup camera that we waited for years to be released but ended up being WAY over our budget.

I know that we will figure it out.  I know that God will honor our commitment to be wise with what He has given us.  I know...
 
I do have amazing highlights.  I really do.  

I do have a good life.  I am grateful.  Truly.

Highlights are just that...reality is the 24/7.

My struggles in life will never be as difficult as others.   There will always be someone worse off.  And who am I kidding...driving my husbands minivan is not really a difficulty.

Seriously...someone needs to smack me over the head!

My favorite...

JULY!

Ahhh, we finally made it to my favorite month of the year.  The 4th was super fun -- just wish that the day never had to end.  

And the rest of the month has lots more fun stuff planned:  County Fair, Vacation, more beach days afternoons, more pool days afternoons (Brady is almost swimming), and hopefully a relaxing day or two somewhere this month (crossing my fingers).

Life has continued to throw us some curve balls lately.  I don't know if it's getting older or the difficulties that I've had to face but I can see how my perspective has changed.  This type of stuff used to send me spinning....not in a good way.  I was angry, frustrated, defeated.  Now...for the most part...I can tell myself that God just has a different plan for our life.  I can look back now at the situations that had me spinning and see the path that God had laid out.  I'm know that He won't leave us now.  I know that He is working on something.  I'm really looking forward to seeing what He does.  Looking back a few years from now and seeing that clear path that is a blur right now.

Faith.

I can see mine being restored...

Summer Vacation...

two of the BEST words in the English language!!!

My twins running to my car just after the final bell.

 PURE JOY!!!

We just finished our first week of vacation.
Not relaxing...at ALL!  But...

 so glad that school is off of the schedule and we managed to squeeze in a couple of beach/pool afternoons (along with a soccer tournament and wedding anniversary).  

I have SO many things that need to get done this Summer and it's only 9 weeks this year(shortest vacation ever).  I need to be very deliberate so that my list gets checked off AND most importantly...we have some fun!

Happy early 4th of July - MY FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR!!!!

Summer, where are you?

Believe it or not...my kids are STILL in school!  In fact, they have 2 more days (whoever scheduled school to end on a Tuesday has lost their mind!)!!!!  Last year they were done on June 11th...

Oh how I wish that it were Summer already.  

I am so done with the chaos of school and homework.
My kids are done with the chaos of school and homework.

Can't it be Summer already?  We have got to be the only ones in the entire country that are still in school!

Summer isn't what it once was...lazy mornings, afternoons at the pool and dinner picnics at the park.  Now it ALL revolves around sports.  Sports that start at 7:30AM!!!!  And end at 8:30PM!!!!  With a few useless hours in between.  How am I supposed to get packed up and go to the beach with a window of 1pm-4pm? 

I wish all my kids coaches could coordinate the same schedules so I could have more of a Summer.  Wishful thinking...not going to happen.

Someday, I will be laying on the beach...alone...all my kids will be grown.  I will wish that the crazy Summer of 2014 was back again.  I know this is true.  So I will gladly give up my lazy mornings and relaxing days at the beach.  Instead, I will embrace the craziness of life driving kids to and from sports so they can do what they LOVE and be who they want to be.  At least there won't be any homework (except for my oldest - insert tears here).

So grateful for good health.  We had a few glitches this year but as of now...everyone is in good health.  And...I am so grateful.  Even if the engine failed on my 10 year old Suburban last week and we had to ditch it.  How long do you think a family of 7 with 4 kids in competitive sports can get by with 1 car?   So far...8 days (eight very long days...).  I'll get back to you on that one!

Summer is almost here!!!

for some very special mama's

I thought long and hard about this post.  I struggled internally.  I teach my kids that it's not a good deed if you get credit for doing it.  You see, I do not want this post to be seen as boasting...especially by God.  What I seek it to someday stand before God, with Nate by my side and to hear Him say "Good job faithful servant".  That is what I seek.

But...God has also put it on my heart to share this post because to many, Mother's Day is about brunch and flowers and gifts.  It KNOW it used to be for me.  Maybe this post will spark someone else to do something similar...something better.

What I hope that this post will do is remind some of you that Mother's Day is not only about celebrating ourselves and our Moms.  But it's about acknowledging those moms whose children may no longer live on Earth and encouraging those moms who are in a battle to save their children's lives.  Hallmark doesn't make cards for those moms (at least that I have ever seen).  Many are forgotten.  Looked over.  Invisible.  It's more fun to focus on the brunch and the flowers and the gifts.

Today, 21 very special mommies will receive this little gift bag.

They aren't the mommies that I wanted to give them to.  I wanted the bags to go to Children's Hospital Los Angeles.  At the last minute, the family that was going to deliver them for me had a change of plans (their daughter's cancer appointment was moved back a week).  God clearly closed that door and opened another one.  My pediatricians colleague was going to Children's Hospital Orange County this weekend (the hospital that made a mistake...leading to Nate's death).  This is not my favorite place.  I have a hard time thinking about donating anything to this hospital.  But, it was clear that this was where the gift bags were supposed to go.  So...off they went.

With the help of a donation from Trader Joe's (love that place), I was able to make 15 gift bags.  I must also thank a very special person (S.M.) for buying the goodies to make 6 more.  It's 4 less than last year.  Not the direction that I was hoping for.  But God knows which 21 moms need a little extra love today.  I need to remind myself...it's not about the numbers.

Special hugs to all you mommies out there.  Whether your child lives on Earth or in Heaven I hope that today is blessed. XOXOXO


PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ON THIS POST. 

in process

I made a choice to overcome the barriers preventing me from doing what my heart was telling me to do.  There are some very special mamas out there that need a tangible gift of love this Mother's Day.

Only one problem...the sweet family that is currently fighting to save their own daughter's life was planning on taking them up to Children's Hospital LA for me...TODAY.  Unfortunately, their appointment was moved to next week so I need to find another way to get them up to the hospital (65 miles north of here).

Will you please pray with me?  I know that God will find a way to get them to the mama's who need them.  But I also know that He likes it when we pray.


XOXO

feelin' like a big huge failure...

Last year I was able to make these awesome Mother's Day gift bags for some of the sweet mama's that were fighting for their kids' lives in the hospital.

I commited to doing it every year.

Well, Mother's Day is just around the corner and I have yet to start.  I had great intentions.  I still have great intentions.  Life just got in the way...

Repiping our entire house
Repainting much of our house after having holes cut in our walls for the above
Replacing a washer & dryer
Replacing a dishwasher
Completely insane sports schedules for 4 of my kids (you have NO idea)
A two year old that I cannot put in a jumperaroo while I get stuff done


So, today I sit here feeling like a huge failure.  

HUGE!  
My excuse...finances are tighter than ever and time is beyond maxed out.

BUT - there are sweet mama's that deserve a nice Mother's Day gift.  I need to rally.  

So...here I am.  Coming to my blog for motivation and encouragement.  I know that I can do something.  Maybe not as much as I was able to do last year.  But something nonetheless.

So, I was thinking...if anyone out there wants to make their own goodie bags and deliver them to your local children's hospital....I can print the tags and mail them to you.  Any takers?

If not, I would appreciate a "you can do it" comment.  

Sometimes...a girl just needs a little push.

horray for April

Every year I think that it will be easier...it isn't.  

I was told that the memories would fade...they haven't - at all!

March is tough.  Plain and simple.  

TOUGH!!!

Today I feel a sense of relief.  The images that replayed in my mind all month long have ceased.  The cloud that has hung over my head has blown away.  The constant battle to appreciate what I have rather than miss what I don't isn't in the forefront of my mind.  April is just easier.  Actually, that applies to every month with the exception of March.  March is just tough and I need to expect that it always will be.

In the first two years after Nate died, God kept putting Philippians 4 in front of me.  At first I was completely appalled - offended to say it mildly.  How in the world could he expect me to REJOICE when he allowed my sweet little boy to die...and in a horrific and tragic way at that.  But part of my grieving process involved me figuring this out. 

Last week, this verse popped up again in my bible study.  It's been a while since I've read it.  It definitely means something different to me now.  I can see how I have been transformed.  How I view life, myself...and God differently now.

Philippians 4
 ⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


I'm not going to allow myself to live in the a pit of grief and despair all year long.  I have been given a good life.  I have many blessings to be thankful for.  But I think it's okay that March is tough every year.  Along with the sadness comes memories of my sweet Nate Ryan.  He is always in my thoughts but during March...he is at the forefront.  I'm no grief expert but I think that's okay.  I think that's reasonable.  Many others may not.  But once you have walked my path and carried my grief, then...and only then will I consider your advice (I gained confidence from my last post).

Hugs to those of you who prayed for us, left comments or lifted us up in any way.  This is the only place that I put myself out there.  That I allow myself to be vulnerable.  That I express my feelings.  I'm grateful to have this venue (even though it's public and I can't prevent some people from reading it).

Happy April...no foolin'. 

This is a MUST read!

This is a post written by Kay Warren.  Kay is the wife of Pastor Rick Warren (see bio below) and they have a huge church near our home.  Last April their adult son who suffered from mental illness committed suicide.  Her words penetrate my soul. 

Please read it.

Rick Warren is the founding pastor of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California, a Christian community that he and his wife began in their home in 1980, with just one other family. Today Saddleback is one of the most prominent churches in America with more than 20,000 members attending four campuses each week, reaching out through some 200 ministries. The well-known evangelical Christian leader rose to worldwide fame after publishing his wildly popular book, The Purpose Driven Life, in 2002. To date, the title has sold more than 30 million copies, making it the top selling hardcover book of all time.

As the one-year anniversary of Matthew's death approaches, I have been shocked by some subtle and not-so-subtle comments indicating that perhaps I should be ready to "move on." The soft, compassionate cocoon that has enveloped us for the last 11 1/2 months had lulled me into believing others would be patient with us on our grief journey, and while I’m sure many will read this and quickly say “Take all the time you need,” I’m increasingly aware that the cocoon may be in the process of collapsing. It’s understandable when you take a step back. I mean, life goes on. The thousands who supported us in the aftermath of Matthew’s suicide wept and mourned with us, prayed passionately for us, and sent an unbelievable volume of cards, letters, emails, texts, phone calls, and gifts. The support was utterly amazing. But for most, life never stopped – their world didn’t grind to a horrific, catastrophic halt on April 5, 2013. In fact, their lives have kept moving steadily forward with tasks, routines, work, kids, leisure, plans, dreams, goals etc. LIFE GOES ON. And some of them are ready for us to go on too. They want the old Rick and Kay back. They secretly wonder when things will get back to normal for us – when we’ll be ourselves, when the tragedy of April 5, 2013 will cease to be the grid that we pass everything across. And I have to tell you – the old Rick and Kay are gone. They’re never coming back. We will never be the same again. There is a new “normal.” April 5, 2013 has permanently marked us. It will remain the grid we pass everything across for an indeterminate amount of time….maybe forever.

Because these comments from well-meaning folks wounded me so deeply, I doubted myself and thought perhaps I really am not grieving “well” (whatever that means). I wondered if I was being overly sensitive –so I checked with parents who have lost children to see if my experience was unique. Far from it, I discovered. “At least you can have another child” one mother was told shortly after her child’s death. “You’re doing better, right?” I was asked recently. “When are you coming back to the stage at Saddleback? We need you” someone cluelessly said to me recently. “People can be so rude and insensitive; they make the most thoughtless comments,” one grieving father said. You know, it wasn’t all that long ago that it was standard in our culture for people to officially be in mourning for a full year. They wore black. They didn’t go to parties. They didn’t smile a whole lot. And everybody accepted their period of mourning; no one ridiculed a mother in black or asked her stupid questions about why she was STILL so sad. Obviously, this is no longer accepted practice; mourners are encouraged to quickly move on, turn the corner, get back to work, think of the positive, be grateful for what is left, have another baby, and other unkind, unfeeling, obtuse and downright cruel comments. What does this say about us - other than we’re terribly uncomfortable with death, with grief, with mourning, with loss – or we’re so self-absorbed that we easily forget the profound suffering the loss of a child creates in the shattered parents and remaining children. 

Unless you’ve stood by the grave of your child or cradled the urn that holds their ashes, you’re better off keeping your words to some very simple phrases: “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Or “I’m praying for you and your family.” Do your best to avoid the meaningless, catch-all phrase “How are you doing?” This question is almost impossible to answer. If you’re a stranger, it’s none of your business. If you’re a casual acquaintance, it’s excruciating to try to answer honestly, and you leave the sufferer unsure whether to lie to you (I’m ok) to end the conversation or if they should try to haltingly tell you that their right arm was cut off and they don’t know how to go on without it. If you’re a close friend, try telling them instead, “You don’t have to say anything at all; I’m with you in this.”

None of us wants to be like Job’s friends – the pseudo comforters who drove him mad with their questions, their wrong conclusions and their assumptions about his grief. But too often we end up a 21st century Bildad, Eliphaz or Zophar – we fill the uncomfortable silence with words that wound rather than heal. I’m sad to realize that even now – in the middle of my own shattering loss – I can be callous with the grief of another and rush through the conversation without really listening, blithely spouting the platitudes I hate when offered to me. We’re not good grievers, and when I judge you, I judge myself as well.

Here’s my plea: Please don’t ever tell someone to be grateful for what they have left until they’ve had a chance to mourn what they’ve lost. It will take longer than you think is reasonable, rational or even right. But that’s ok. True friends – unlike Job’s sorry excuse for friends – love at all times, and brothers and sisters are born to help in time of need (Prov. 17:17 LB).The truest friends and “helpers” are those who wait for the griever to emerge from the darkness that swallowed them alive without growing afraid, anxious or impatient. They don’t pressure their friend to be the old familiar person they’re used to; they’re willing to accept that things are different, embrace the now-scarred one they love, and are confident that their compassionate, non-demanding presence is the surest expression of God’s mercy to their suffering friend. They’re ok with messy and slow and few answers….and they never say “Move on.”

..

If you have read through my blog posts you will see how much I can relate to this post.  With some of my closest friends telling me to "get over it" and "not let this ruin my life" only 3 weeks after Nate died...I could go on and on with the examples.  I felt so alone.  So misunderstood.  I can't even begin to say what a blessing it was for me to read this post.  
 
This is something that EVERYONE needs to read.  Those that have buried a child and those that haven't.  Please, please, please share it.  It would be so helpful to live in a community of people that understood and could support one another in the midst of tragedy.

memories & a smiley rainbow

I am one of those people that remembers almost everything.  Not like the people on Jeopardy.  Rather, through my own experiences.  When BIG events (not normal days) happen in my life, good or bad, they form the type of impression in my brain that is not easily forgotten.

My husband always jokes about how I remember EVERYTHING but a few months ago we watched a show about Mary Lou Henner and he said "That's why you are having such a hard time with Nate's death.  You remember every detail about it and you can still feel the emotions that were related to each memory". 

YUP!

I think that's it.  

I remember most of the details of each of those 25 days.  Most of the days I remember what I wore, what I ate, what nurses were there and what was on TV.  Most of all, I can still feel the emotions of staring at the numbers on the monitors, watching them cut and poke my sweet baby and the joy of the "good" days when I got to hold him and kiss him.  I remember almost everything.

This year is especially tough.  The days match up exactly as they did back in 2008.  He was born on a Wednesday...had heard surgery on a Monday (yesterday I kept reliving this one)...died on a Sunday (not looking forward to the 30th).  It definitely makes it a little tougher when the days line up exactly.  My mind just "goes there" and am constantly fighting to bring it back.

********************

On a brighter note, I wanted to share a special moment I had with my oldest son last Friday.  He was in the backyard shooting baskets and I was in the kitchen making dinner.  It went something like this:

N:        Hey Mom, did it rain today?

Me:      Nope.  It hasn't rained for 5 days.

N:        Doesn't it have to rain to make a rainbow?

Me:      Yep!

N:        Well then why is there a rainbow?

Me:      Dude, there's no rainbows today.  It's all blue sky.

N:       Yes there is.

Me:     There's no chance of a rainbow today.  

N:       Well it's right there.

Me:     Let me see.

I stepped outside and was completely shocked to see this:

Do you see it?  
It's like a smile directly over our house.
  
I took this picture with my phone.  I tried to get my camera to take a better one but it was gone as soon as I took this pic.


For me, it was a sweet sign from Nate, or God, or both.  It was like a hug from the inside out.  I miss him every day.  I wish that he was here.  But I know he's okay. 

Nate's special day...

 A couple of days before Nate's birthday my BIL found a friend of a friend that worked at Disney and would be able to "sign in" 3 of us.  We told the kids that it wasn't a sure thing...we didn't want them to be crushed if it didn't work out.  Either way we were going to do a balloon release at his brick.

 Everyone picked their color of balloons and wrote their own special notes

 (Brady will get to do his own next year).

 We sang Happy Birthday and watched them float away (less tears this year).

 It was a beautiful BLUE SKY day!!!!!  

So grateful that God gave us that...last week was yucky and stormy!

 We tried to explain what it was all about...he just liked watching the balloons float away.

 The friend of a friend of a friend worked out!!!  

We made it into the park!  

It was ridiculously expensive for the other tickets but we decided it was worth it.

***As a side note...I seriously wish that Disney would reconsider their price increases (basically doubled the price of annual passes).  There are some families that save for years to visit that amazing place.  And then there are people like us...where we started a tradition of spending Nate's bday at the park each year to help us get through a really tough day which was thwarted by profit margins.  Please reconsider Disney.  Oh how I wish I could just have lunch with the CEO one time...It's not all about paper and numbers...

 The kids took turns wearing Nathan's birthday button.  They love when people walking by wish them a happy birthday!

 Late lunch at one of our favorite places.  My kids earned free kids meals from the Summer Reading Program at the Library which really helped out (kids meals are $7.99 there!!!) 

 Lots of emotions this week with my oldest.  

She is so protective of this little one.

 We had them bring a special dessert for Nate.  

Ironically, there was also an empty seat at our table since Brady's high chair was at the end.  

And...check out the background - A beautiful RAINBOW!  

We know that God's looking after him.

 The kids and I made cupcakes (everyone decorated their own) and we had a BUZZ party in Tomorrowland. 

I usually end our day with a picture of the kids holding their Disney balloons.  We stayed until the park closed at 8pm (we typically don't stay until closing).  Evidentally, they don't sell balloons after 7:45 (all the other stores stay open 1 hour past the park closure EXCEPT for balloons).  I was so bummed!  

We went to guest relations and I begged them to figure out a way to get my kids balloons.  It's a tradition!!!!  They said that if we came back today...they would get them for us.  My hubby is going to try and drive up there this afternoon (30 min. each way).  LAME.

Again...I really need to have lunch with the CEO...or they need to go on Undercover Boss.  Who wants to drag around a balloon when you are going on rides (they won't let you on anyway).  You should be able to buy a balloon on the way out of the park!!!!

Well that was our day.  We've made it through six of them.  

So grateful we had the distraction of Disney...I know that one year we won't be able to go and I dread that.  It's much easier at the "Happiest Place on Earth".