it's over when it's over

This was some of the best advice that I have ever received.  A few months ago, I was discussing my life with someone.  Not someone close.  Just someone that cared enough to listen.

I went on for some time listing all of the tough situations and circumstances that we have had to contend with over the past 3 years.  The list is long.  Very long. 

I further explained that it felt like Satan had taken hold of my life.  That all of this bad stuff was happening because of him.  In an effort to dismiss him, I had recently started rebuking him throughout my day.  And I was doing this ALL throughout my day...for weeks!  What I didn't realize was that I was giving him more attention than I was giving God.  Unintentionally of course.  But it was true.  As hard as I was trying to align my life with God's and to focus on Him, I realized that I was actually doing the opposite. 

The person with whom I was speaking, went through a very difficult period of time herself a few years back.  She spoke from experience when she told me "it's over when it's over".  It took me a few minutes to ingest the words but I eventually realized that she was right.  She told me to stop working so hard because there was nothing that I could do to end this trial.  This rough period of time.  All I can do is to try and find JOY amongst the difficulty.  It's not natural for me but even in the worst circumstances, life can be good. 

So I began trying to live that way a few months ago.  It's true.  It works.  This trial will be over when God decides that it's over.  Until then, I will just live my life and continue to learn all of the lessons that God wants to teach me along the way. 

you reap what you sow

This was the message at church a few weeks ago. 

I wrestled with the lesson as the words exited our pastor's mouth.  As I sat there, I suddenly became very emotional and the tears began rolling steadily down my cheek.  This subject really affects me.  I guess I just haven't made peace with it yet.

 

Is it true?  Is there a direct correlation between our efforts going forth and what we receive in return?  Is there a sort of pot that we pay into that can be easily accessed when we need to make a withdrawal?  Do good things happen to bad people?  Why do bad things happen to good people?


These questions are nothing new for me. I used to spend a lot of time asking God why Nathan died and why all of our friends and family abandoned us.  Did I plant my seeds in fields that weren't fertile?  Was it a punishment?  Did I do something wrong? 

When questioned about it, our pastor recently told my husband that we didn't sow enough seeds. That we didn't invest wisely and that's why there was nothing to withdrawal. It was shocking. We invested an immense amount of time in both our church and friends for more than a decade. How is that possible? How could we have failed so miserably?

In previous years, I would take a lot of time and energy away from my own family to help people.  Some were family and friends.  Many were complete strangers.  At the time, there was no motivation of any type of payback.  I wasn't sowing seeds to reap any type of harvest.  I just felt the need to pay it forward.  But, when I needed it.  When my life fell apart and I didn't have anything to give, my account was empty.  I was denied while others were reaping bountiful harvests from their investments.

In the financial world, when someone makes a poor investment they rarely repeat the offense.  Does that apply here?  Do you keep sowing seeds when there is nothing to harvest?  The past couple of years, I have made a deliberate choice to primarily focus on my own family. There have been exceptions.  When I see someone in need I just have to help.  Even when I try, I can't turn my back on people in need.  But I have not been sowing seeds.  I have not been investing in relationships like I used to. 



This topic is not something that I would have thought much about 3 years ago.  I just assumed that people that I spent time with and cared about would be there for me when I needed them.  That's how I defined friendship.  I didn't know that there was another option.  That my REALITY would be different.  Now I question these things.  I want to live wisely.  I want to live the life that God has planned for me.  I know that I will make mistakes but I don't want to make the same mistakes. 


Life is not so black and white anymore.  It also used to have a lot of periods and exclamation marks.  These days...my life is full of question marks?