I wrestled with the lesson as the words exited our pastor's mouth. As I sat there, I suddenly became very emotional and the tears began rolling steadily down my cheek. This subject really affects me. I guess I just haven't made peace with it yet.
These questions are nothing new for me. I used to spend a lot of time asking God why Nathan died and why all of our friends and family abandoned us. Did I plant my seeds in fields that weren't fertile? Was it a punishment? Did I do something wrong?
When questioned about it, our pastor recently told my husband that we didn't sow enough seeds. That we didn't invest wisely and that's why there was nothing to withdrawal. It was shocking. We invested an immense amount of time in both our church and friends for more than a decade. How is that possible? How could we have failed so miserably?
In previous years, I would take a lot of time and energy away from my own family to help people. Some were family and friends. Many were complete strangers. At the time, there was no motivation of any type of payback. I wasn't sowing seeds to reap any type of harvest. I just felt the need to pay it forward. But, when I needed it. When my life fell apart and I didn't have anything to give, my account was empty. I was denied while others were reaping bountiful harvests from their investments.
In the financial world, when someone makes a poor investment they rarely repeat the offense. Does that apply here? Do you keep sowing seeds when there is nothing to harvest? The past couple of years, I have made a deliberate choice to primarily focus on my own family. There have been exceptions. When I see someone in need I just have to help. Even when I try, I can't turn my back on people in need. But I have not been sowing seeds. I have not been investing in relationships like I used to.
This topic is not something that I would have thought much about 3 years ago. I just assumed that people that I spent time with and cared about would be there for me when I needed them. That's how I defined friendship. I didn't know that there was another option. That my REALITY would be different. Now I question these things. I want to live wisely. I want to live the life that God has planned for me. I know that I will make mistakes but I don't want to make the same mistakes.
Life is not so black and white anymore. It also used to have a lot of periods and exclamation marks. These days...my life is full of question marks?
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12 comments:
I'm really sorry that he told you that you didn't sow enough seeds. I have to totally disagree with that. I know I haven't been around for several years, but I know you well enough to know that that isn't true. I think it has so much more to do with people not knowing how to help people that are grieving, so they do nothing. And if I've learned anything the last several years it's that God is God and He will do what He wills, and things don't necessarily have a direct correlation to what we do. He absolutely will let us pay the consequences for our poor choices, but then there are all the other things that He allows to happen in our life that happen because He allows them and NOT because of seeds we did or did not sow. Sorry for the rant and I'm probably not explaining myself very well. I'm a little irked! :)
Love you and miss you!
Oh, I was so sad to hear that a pastor of all people would tell you that you didn't sow enough seeds and you were "so called getting what you deserved in his opinion for not planting enough seeds for a return-at least that is what is sounded like to me reading this" I was shocked. If any of us got what we deserved we would all be hell bound-without hope-life-joy-peace-eternal life-all of that-God does not work that way.
The thief on the cross had minutes before his death no time at all to go out and sow seeds and yet Christ loved him and excepted him into Heaven-our relationship with Christ and what happens in our life I don't believe has anything to do with how many seeds we have sown. We live in a sinful world-not the way God would want it to be but man sinned and God then took the place for us for that sin-but sin is still in the world-Satan is still in the world-hurt and pain and sickness and all the icky stuff out there is still in the world-bad things happen to good people just as good things happen to bad and vise versa and it has nothing to do with sowing of seeds. None of us can ever be good enough or sow enough seeds or what ever to get into the kingdom of Heaven or even to earn the love and grace of God.
Unfortunately, people are human and we fail-we fail at relationships especially if something difficult happens and we aren't quite sure how to handle it, what to do, how to help, what to say-a lot of times people just back away instead of even trying because they don't know what to do. I am sorry that you were let down and hurt by people that should have been there to comfort you, to love you and to help you. I think that is something we often fail at-compassion and caring don't come naturally to a lot of people even when they are Christians especially if they are not praying and asking God for the guidance to know how to help. In no way did it have to do with you not sowing enough seeds-I am still blown away by that comment.
I don't think you have made any mistakes-your family should be your first priority-God came you those children and your husband to love and care for and them you. It is supposed to be God first, then our family, our friends, our church-and down the line.
I am truly sorry that your would even be thinking this was something you could have changed by doing something more or not doing something right-just breaks my heart.
I will be praying that God will renew your strength and that you will just learn on Him, His grace and love and acceptance.
Sorry I had to rant here too-just sorry to hear that.
Love
Jill
I too am disturbed by your pastor's comment. I don't think bad things happen to people because of what they have or have not done. We live in a fallen world, and God gave us all free will. I don't believe God punishes people in that way. God is a God of grace and redemption. Bad things can happen to anyone, and not receiving the help you so desperately needed does not mean that you did anything wrong. Christians should behave like Jesus and reach out to anyone in need regardless of the good or bad that people have done. Jesus didn't spend his time with the people who did everything right; he spent his time with those in need regardless of past behaviors. So your pastor's comment that you just didn't sew your seeds in the right place just seems offensive. It seems to me that you did everything you knew to be right and were let down terribly by those you loved and counted on.
I agree that some people don't help those struggling with grief because they don't know how to help, but there are also those who just choose to do nothing because it makes them uncomfortable. I think our society as a whole is very selfish, very self-centered. People don't want to be inconvenienced or feel uncomfortable so they often don't reach out to help those in need. It is very sad, and my heart still aches for all that you and your family have had to endure.
You are always in my prayers!
Rachel
Look at Job - look at Daniel <in the lion's den for crying out loud! - look at Shadrach, Meschach and Abendego <in the fiery furnace!!! - there are more examples but I especially liked what Jill Aileen said about the thief of the cross - I'm really upset over the Pastor saying that to you! We don't control God by our "reaping and sowing" - God is the controller in ALL things. I have company arriving in an hour and need to get back to my housework : ) but I had to say something!!!
I have never thought about this much. I think I need to think about this more. I know that I give because it feels good and I like to help those in need. I think I have given more to strangers at times then to my own family. I never felt bad for doing that but when I think about it now I wonder. I gave over $700. in donations this year yet I don't feel that free to give my daughter money when she asks. Heck they live with us now because of the economy so shouldn't she be my first priority. I don't give to get anything in return. I guess I'm confused but I don't understand why your pastor said that to you.
I never expected to receive such thoughtful and loving comments from you guys. Thank you so much for caring about me enough to do that.
I didn't intend on sparking a controversy with our Pastor. For the most part, he has been amazing to us since Nate died. His conversation with my husband was regarding why people from our church didn't support us and help us more after Nathan's death. We witnessed other people from our church receiving much more care and attention which is what prompted my husband to ask why that wasn't the case for us. His response was that people probably didn't feel as connected with us because we weren't sowing our seeds as much as the other people were. He wasn't justifying their actions or proclaiming anything about God. He was just attempting to explain why people react in the way that they do.
Wow. I would say I REALLY disagree on your pastor's thoughts.
I think about being a child. I was molested and abandoned and abused by both parents. Had I not planted enough seeds? My husband, who is a fantastic human being, has a chronic life long disease. Did he not plant wisely? My son died. Is that punishment for our futile efforts?
Of course the answer is a HUGE NO!!!!! We have been taught, and this seems across the board in many religions, we are here on earth to progress, to learn, to walk through the Refiner's fire. We suffer differently. Some suffer more than others. But we all suffer in the ways we need to in an effort to become more like Christ. We all learn lessons at a different rate. I, for one, am really slow at it.
I believe Isaac's life was as the Lord wanted. It lead him right back to Heaven. I did not want the same thing, but it was the will of the Father.
You are a good woman. You did not deserve what happened, and you did not deserve to be abandoned either. Family is supposed to be there, friends are too. If they love you, as they should, they should have done better.
Love you,
Misty
Oh my. I am just 20 months into this grief cycle and have been back in and out of church in those 20 months because of comments like these. Personally, I don't believe you have to go to a specific building or house of god to pray. But I don't judge people who do or don't do that. I feel each person's relationship with God is between that person & God and if you want to go to church to express that relationship and participate in it, that's fine but that if you don't that's fine, too. There is not much more intimate that this relationship yet we are so publicly judged on how much we do in and with our church. This is something I have struggled with....mostly when I receive or hear comments like this from your pastor. I agree that your pastor has probably been wonderful to you and genuine and very sincere since Nate died. And for this reason, I'm sure he can explain to you why he said what he said, or would try his best to anyway. But it doesn't change that he said it and in the position that he is in, one would think they would think about what their message is they are trying to get across, and just like with anything in life, would try to anticipate any misinterpretations of that message and head them off in the beginning or offer explanations with the message.
Anyway, you should feel tons of support from this community in instances like this and I am glad that you feel loved here. So much in life is confusing and if you can figure it all out, let me know. Sometimes I think we just are forced to read it however makes sense to us. Good luck on that one.
hugs,
christy
Hello, I have stumbled upon your blog through other blogs from mommies who lost babies. I admire your faith and you have a beautiful family.
I too lost a little boy. Different circumstances. Pre-term labor, too little to survive. Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" wouldn't begin to cover it, so I will say, when I meet you in Heaven, I will have the biggest hug for you.....that is IF we can somehow manage to hug without putting our baby boys down.
I have never commented before. And I hope I am not out of line by commenting. I too am a Christian and love God with all my heart. I don't know His plans but I just wanted to leave you with a thought. Sometimes, what we expect from people, is what God wants us to find in Him. After all, none of us will find what we need in our Pastors, congregation, family members....it's all in Christ. They are human too and have their own struggles with no answers. Look to God, if you rejoice in this time of loneliness and abandonment, He will REWARD you for your troubles.
Love in Christ,
Courtney
toots3483@msn.com
Trisha, it's been a long time since I"ve commented but we corresponded a bit way back when.. I was glad to se eyour comment that was the clarification on the comment.. WE are pretty connected at our church and the outpouring was amazing, but in my own family, not so much.. and knowing what *I* would have done if hte situation were reverse was hard..
I think a huge part of it really is that people don't know how to deal with htis type of crippling grief..
Also, I try and remember that God's grace is so much more than the definition of my circumstances..
IT's good to see you blogging again..
Hi! I left you a blogger award on my blog. Check it out: http://mjsmemories.blogspot.com
Hmmmm....it's something to think about for sure....the sowing seeds things. I don't really know if I agree with your pastor or not. I get what he is trying to say but I'm just not sure if it is true. It makes you think that if something bad happens then you weren't good enough, didn't try hard enough when that might not be the case.
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