Being that the month of December is upon us, I have two big events to get ready for: Christmas and a new baby. The first one is easy...the second, not so much.
I can pretty much say that I am ready for Christmas. The house is decorated - inside and out. Shopping is done. Gifts are wrapped and under the tree. My card is done and just waiting for a picture. I am absolutely exhausted but I wanted to get everything done in case this baby arrives early or I get put on bed rest. It was physically tough to accomplish given that I am 8+ months pregnant and already have a crazy busy schedule with the other 4 kids in school activities and competitive sports. But I'm good at physically tough. I can handle pain and exhaustion.
Getting ready for baby is another story. A completely different story. I have nothing bought, nothing done and nothing ready. I can't even "go there" yet. I've taken this pregnancy day by day from the beginning but can't bring myself to think about actually getting to bring it home from the hospital. With Nate, I held my breath for 25 days. On day 25, ALL of the doctors told me that he was going to be fine and could go home the next day. We planned to buy a car seat that day and I picked out his outfit to wear home from the hospital. 2 hours later, he went code blue in my arms and I never got him back.
Because of that, I just can't bring myself to prepare in any way...
No car seat.
No stroller.
No diapers.
No coming home outfit or blankets.
No crib.
No bassinet.
Walking through my house you would NEVER guess that we are expecting a baby in just a couple of weeks (we sold pretty much everything after Nate died). We haven't even talked about names with the exception of a conversation that we had 3+ years ago and I asked my husband if we had another boy someday if we could use the name that I have always wanted (but he had always said no to before). He agreed back then - we'll have to see about that one.
Our grief counselor and my doctor both say that this is normal...considering. Because of that, I'm not worried about it. Scrambling to buy baby stuff would be a good problem to have.
It's just different.
Everything this time is different.
Praying that it's a good different.
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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9 comments:
I get it! We know all too well how it feels to come home without a baby, so it is normal to have the same feelings now. When we painted the room, and put up the crib, and washing the clothes, all I could think was, what if we don't get to bring home this baby either. This is a road not everyone has gone down, and we unfortunatly know how it feels. I am praying for you and a healthy little bundle of joy!! I CAN'T wait to hear when he/she arrives and that all is good! I hope you keep us updated! PRAYERS TO YOU!!!!!
I def understand! I think I only bought a couple outfits for Lainey (but then again we still had everything from Kyndra packed up in the attic). I know I was hoping we'd be able to use everything again.
I haven't been in your position but my opinion/feeling is that what you are doing or let's say not doing is very normal under the circumstances. I would be doing exactly what you are doing. What came to mind for me is this: Were Mary and Joseph ready? Your new blessing from God will need nothing but you and your love.
Thinking of you lots this month. Hang in there...you're almost there. It might not feel quite real until you're able to hold your new little blessing in your arms. And even then you might just have to pinch yourself:) Hugs...
I completley understand, too. It was so hard to buy things before bringing the baby home. And even thereafter.... I remember Reese picking up a onesie for the baby in a store and saying, "you know, mom, just in case the baby comes home." It broke my heart. This is all part of the journey. None of it is easy.
(the comment box cut me off!) I just wanted to tell you that this experience is beautiful, miraculous, precious and everything more...but it is also painful and scary. But a road none of us would ever not take if given the chance. You are blessed Trisha! Thinking of you often!
xoxo
Adding my prayers to yours, Trisha. I believe I understand your reaction, I'd be dead frightened too.
But everyhting is going to be alright :-).
All the way from France, my thoughts are with you.
Hi, Trisha,
I am new to your blog and I wanted to tell you I am so sorry for your loss.
I completely can relate to the feelings you are going through. We had our baby 4 months ago after an unexpected loss and I couldn't bring myself to buy anything or prepare. Afterwards, I realuze that was okay. They really don't need much at the beginning and after she was safely in my arms, I could let out a hesitate sigh (still feel like I am holding my breath, though) and go buy the things she needs.
I will be praying for you today, dear one.
Karen
I completely understand...as I'm sure other mamas who have walked this path do as well. Praying for you as you wait to meet your little one...praying for a season of peace and joy. And, when he arrives...sweet celebration. Love and prayers...
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