the grief of a child

A few weeks back we rented the movie Heaven is For REAL!

I read the book when it first came out.  I found a lot of comfort in it.  It helped me make peace with Nate's death and gave me comfort by reminding me that I will get to see him again.  Don't get me wrong, I hate every single thing about Nate dying.  Every.  Single.  Thing.  But God used that book to help bring me comfort.

I immediately passed it on to my oldest daughter who was also still struggling with his death.  Like me, it restored some hope that had been lost and soothed the sting of losing him.

So, I was excited to see the movie and sharing the story with the rest of my family.  I didn't think twice about it.

I should have.

My twins, who were 3 1/2 when he died were hysterical after the movie.  Sobbing and sobbing.  Reminded of what they lost.  Regretful that they never got to hold or get to know their brother.

They spewed words of anger toward God.  Why him?  Why us?  Why?  Why?  Why?...Over and over again. 

I found myself defending God.

I presented a defense that I knew would help them make peace with their loss but one that I myself don't completely understand.

Eventually...they fell asleep.  
The grief has yet to return.  
Life has gone on.  
But I know it's still there.   
I know that they are not capable of understanding it.  I know that it will come back.  I know that March 30, 2008 changed the life of our entire family forever.  

It's hard.  Everything about it is just hard.