Hard to believe the 10 year mark has arrived. TODAY is the day! The day that he left my arms and went to Jesus. A decade seems like an eternity yet Nathan seems like he was just here.
I don't know if other Mama's do this but every day of this Month I have moments where I keep re-living what happened on each specific day. The worst part of it all is that I keep thinking - He's going to die in 24 days...23 days...22 days...
Like it hasn't already happened! I mean seriously why can't I stop doing this? March just hurts.
However...10 years later these thoughts don't consume me. And his death doesn't define me. BUT ...it has changed me. I'm not even close to the person I was 10 years ago and I won't pretend to be.
Relationships are probably my biggest challenge. I just can't seem to connect with people like I used to. I feel like I should but I really don't want to. I do love to chat with the other mama's at sports and school events but it's all superficial. I don't invest in them and I don't expect them to be my "friend". I don't know that I can ever really give my heart to another friendship again...it was just shattered over and over again as the people I trusted and loved walked away one by one.
Family is also still tough. They don't understand -- and they don't even try. Life is unchanged for them but NOTHING is the same for me. So we have essentially agreed to just disagree. To be pleasant when the annual family events are necessary and then to go on with our lives independently. They rarely even mention Nate. I grew up with a broken family and desperately wanted to provide my children with a large extended family. I dreamed about big parties and holidays and having a loving support system. For years I thought that I created this for my kids. It was only after Nate that I realized that it was just a facade.
So 10 years after I can reflect with an abundance of pride. That first year thoughts of ending my life consumed me. I NEVER thought I would be able to survive that horrible, intense, life altering grief. But I did. And I will continue to do so!
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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2 comments:
My heart goes out to you. I'm pleased to hear that it doesn't consume you like it did and no doubt it has changed you. I wonder why those who love you can't talk about Nate and never mention him. Where is their compassion. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
(((HUGS)))
Well, I don't know you and you don't know me, but I think of you from across the ocean. Your sadness has made me sad for you over the past 10 years, and I am glad to read that you are now able to handle the grief better. You have been dealt a cruel blow, worse than nightmarish. But you bravely stand on your two feet, surrounded by your beautiful daughters and sons, with the support of a husband. Enjoy what you have,and talk to us about little Nathan: we'll hear you, we'll listen to you.
French Reader
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