Before Nate died, I rarely experienced anxiety. I didn't have a true appreciation for its' ability to affect one's human spirit. How it robs the joy replacing it with fear and trepidation. It's not a good thing. It goes against everything that God wants for our lives. It allows other peoples comments and opinions to be more powerful than God's voice and God's will.
Fortunately, for the most part, I have been able to grow out of (a term that I use when my children experience a phase of life) this. What was once a daily occurrence, is now only experienced on rare occasions.
This past weekend, it has resurfaced. With a vengeance.
My brother is getting married in a couple of weeks. We are not close. We have never been close. But at 37 he has finally found someone to love and he is committing to spend his life with her and her daughter. Family weddings can be a great source of celebration but they can also be a tremendous source of conflict. As issues have come up over the past few months my husband keeps reminding me that people just do "wacky" things when they get married. They focus on themselves with no acknowledgement of who they step on along the way. I agree that people are "wacky" but I do believe that they know exactly what they are doing and who they are stepping on in the process.
Over the weekend, "wacky" was taken to an extreme level. I learned new information. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. Since that time I haven't been sleeping and spent much of the weekend in tears. I want to be stronger. I want to be more of the person that God wants me to be. A person that can rise above what other people think and what other people say. I should be strong enough to brush that off. Instead, I have allowed the anxiety to take control. To resurface and overpower the way that I want to live my life.
Difficult decisions must be made in the next few days. Do I sacrifice my own well being to respect my mother and brother who knowingly made decisions that would cause me pain? Or do I protect myself and avoid becoming a spectacle knowing that this choice will never be understood or forgiven? I can't win. I can't see a way out. No matter which way I look at it, it's a lose-lose situation. Praying that God will make my path clear.
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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8 comments:
Hello Trisha,
I know we haven't talked on a regular basis, but I always feel so compelled to read your posts each time you write.
I think the main reason I always feel this way is because we have one huge thing in common...
*little (sometimes zero) family support*.
I was wondering if you would be up to emailing me tonight, tomorrow..any time in the near future? My heart has been so heavy since our baby girl, Liberty died in 2007. Our journey has been very long and most of the time, lonely. My husband and I have often felt like we are facing all of this on our own as talking with family about it, makes them 'too uncomfortable'. (their words, not mine). And every time I think we have hit rock bottom, the floor drops some more! So I can relate to your feelings of anxiety.
In fact, my jaw hit the floor when you mentioned going through this situation with the wedding because we just went through a wedding situation with my brother..and things didn't end well. I ended up being the bad guy, though my intentions were never meant to be hurtful to begin with?!?
I have found it to be incredibly difficult to grieve with little or not support from family. For me it is terribly upsetting when I see other families rally around their loved ones after losing a child, helping them cope and find their footing again - while we have been left to do it on our own. Don't get me wrong here, I am thankful that there are family and friends who offer such wonderful support in times of need, it just makes me upset that we haven't experienced something similar - do you know what I mean?
Anyway. I would absolutely love to chat with you through email if you are up to it??? I am certainly not here to judge you or your family - but I can offer a listening ear, support and prayer.
Talk it over with your husband and if you feel comfortable, please feel free to contact me anytime - day or night. Praying for you both, as well as your precious children, as you continue on this journey!
Hugs,
Kelly
momleavingalegacy@yahoo.com
Oh, I am so sorry for the lack of support that you get from your family. It makes my heart hurt for you. I will keep you in my prayers!!!
I just wrote a long comment telling you of my almost identical circumstances and experience at my only siblings wedding. And I pressed save and my comment vanished :(
In short, I didn't go to my only sister's wedding. I do not regret the decision for a moment. I copped family grief over it until my sister got divorced! Look after yourself. As no one else will unless you do. All the very best.
I wish I had the perfect answer for you. Praying that the Lord will guide you and give you an answer that you can have peace with. It is so hard when there is little family support. That was often the case for us, as well. They just didn't get it, and often...whether intentionally or not...hurt us with their behavior. Love and continued prayers, Trisha...
Hello Trish,
You may not like my answer but I think you have to sacrifice whatever needed for your mother and brother. Isn't that what Jesus would do? Isn't that what we are called to do as Christians? To love selflessly? The bible also teaches to guard your heart and to put up boundaries. So it's a difficult area of being able to guard yourself and yet be so vulnerable at the same time.
However, in this situation, with the lack of family support and understanding (yep, I'm in that same boat too and I have done what I am advising you to do)it will be the HARDEST step but it just might be the RIGHT step to sacrifice FOR your family. It might be the right step to build that bridge to do what's right in Jesus' name. Jesus hasn't called you to do anything or go down any path where He is not already waiting for you.
You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you. I believe He will give you the strength to forgive and the strength to move on and do what you need to do for this event.
After all, I really think that He expects us to extend the same grace and mercy to our "enemies" a.k.a "family" as He gave to us when He died on the cross for our sins.
As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Don't worry about anything, pray about it and God will tell you what to do and if you feel you don't hear from him, make your decision out of faith.
Love in Christ,
Courtney
toots3483@msn.com
Trisha--I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I wish our journey was a constant, consistent curve toward peace, but unfortunately, it is not. Things will come up our entire lives that cause us to grieve and others to watch. I have someone very close to me who keeps saying something that hurts me (the same thing, over and over again) and I don't know how to tell them without hurting them in return. Because there is no way they will understand why I the words they say hurt, and I don't expect them to. But only about 1 in 100 times will those people just accept that what they do or say hurts us, decide and make the effort NOT to keep doing or saying it and keep loving and treating us the same. Because, we all know, that as soon as we say something (about being hurt), it changes things. It changes the relationship or something.
That may or may not apply to you but I did want to give you my thoughts on your post. I disagree with Courtney, but I am not heavily rooted in Christ as she sounds and probably you are, too. Your husband is right, people do wacky things with weddings. However, that is no excuse to do hurtful things. It's hard to believe that your family is intentionally hurting you, but I have been following you for a long time, Trisha, and I have been flabbergasted more than a few times by how your family has treated you in your loss of sweet Nate. This wedding is (or should be) "all about" your brother. If it is about anything else (i.e. hurting you), that is a travesty. And you owe them nothing. And no, you should not sacrifice your well being to preserve your mother and brother's wedding experience. Do you have a target on your heart or something? Your pain with your family is because you love them. And when hurtful things are said/done, walking away or sticking around for the punch are both impossible. You only want their support, their acknowledgement, their comfort and for them to withhold that from you is heartless, in my opinion. If you can't go to the wedding and completely avoid the sources of pain there, I would advise you not to go. I understand that you want to be strong and to not let this bother you, but this is no small task, either. The magnitude of your loss is earth shattering and no one who has walked in your shoes would expect you to be able to put it aside for something like a family wedding if that is the case. You need to protect yourself and your heart, because it doesn't sound like they are going to. God is not going to think any less of you for taking care of yourself in this way.
xxxooo
I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
Obviously I don't know the details but why or how can they hurt you at this wedding? I am sure you would love to be there but if it is this painful I would stay away. ((HUGS)) Praying for an answer for you.
(((hug)))
Just wanted to give you one today. Sorry I am a slacker.
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