fixed...?

I wondered how people would treat me after I had another baby.  I wondered if they would think that the gift of another child would "fix" me.  As if a broken heart could ever be fixed.

I've been shocked at how people have responded.  I kept my pregnancy very quiet so many have been surprised over the past couple of months to see me out with a baby.  They have been overwhelmingly kind and supportive.  Many people that stayed clear and haven't talked to me since Nate died are now approaching me with kindness. 

It's weird.
Not as weird as it was after Nate died.
A different weird.

I think that part of the weirdness comes from the fact that it feels like they think that I'm "fixed" now.  That I'm back to normal and ready to embrace the lifestyle and social circle that I used to have.  I'm not.  I will never be that person again.  I don't even want to be. 

But having another baby has changed me.  I am different.  I'm not as fearful walking into social situations or school events anymore.  What once terrified me is now rarely even a worry on my radar.  Having Brady in my arms makes everything and everyone else not matter anymore.  What they say or don't say just doesn't have the same impact as it once did. 

My title has changed. 
Now I'm just a lady with a baby instead of the lady whose baby died. 
That's an easier title for society to deal with.  I'm not ignored/avoided nearly as much anymore.

Next week is Nate's birthday.  He would be turning 4.  I vividly remember getting ready to deliver him the last time that we had a "leap day" (Feb 29th) and now we're already having another one.  I can't believe it's been 4 years!  I never know what to expect emotionally with each birthday.  Each one is hard and yet a little bit healing at the same time.  It makes it easier to not have to figure out how to celebrate it.  We have a tradition and it works for our family.  We're making plans and getting ready for his special day.  So happy that Brady is with us to celebrate this year.