Last year at this time I was completely filled with anxiety. I mean filled.
To
the
top!
I was terrified that something would happen during my pregnancy. I couldn't see the baby so I didn't know for sure that it was safe. I kept thinking "I just want it out so I know that everything is okay".
Everything was okay. God protected my sweet baby in my womb and during his birth. The myriad of things that could have gone wrong didn't. That restored my faith. A lot. In recent years I have struggled with feeling God's protection. I have continued to have a close relationship with Him, but in all honesty, I haven't felt like His arms of protection were around me. A lot of bad stuff has happened.
Now I am once again struggling with that faith. Brady is crawling (and standing - yikes!). He started crawling last month but I wouldn't let him. I refused to put him on the ground where he could crawl and I scolded the rest of my family if they did. I want to protect him. I want to keep him safe.
There are so many dangers that lie outside the safety of my arms. Nate died while I was holding him. I couldn't protect him. I couldn't save him. So I hold tightly to Brady. I have struggled with letting him go. In trusting God to protect my sweet baby. Slowly, I am learning to let go...and letting God.
It's not easy.
I'm terrified.
I know what can happen.
But keeping him in my arms will hurt him. I need to let him develop normally. Ugh! I've lost the innocence of life. The excitement of watching my baby learn to crawl. Everything is just so different now.
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3 comments:
Boys will be boys! Have fun! hehe
I can imagine your feelings. As a parent all I ever wanted to do was keep my children safe. After losing a child that fear would be heightened to an extreme level. I will pray for your peace of mind.
Oh Tricia-I know exactly how you are feeling. Your innocense is lost....you know too much....that is something I hate but cannot change. And it is a process. Learning how to parent a baby again. But you are awesome. you have so much help around. And so much love. And remember Nate is there helping, too. You are doing the best you know how. And protecting him is your main focus now. But it will ease. As he gets older, you will have faith in that he will be okay, too. I used to miss the laid back parent I was before Chase died. I thought I had the parenting thing down and we did with the first three. Then Chase happened and I was completely completely different with Owen. It seemed like everything that he did was a challenge for me. Every phase was difficult. But it was a blessing and I'd rather have it be difficult than not have it all. And I know you feel that way too. Brady is so incredibly cute! Have fun with him, sweet friend! Give him hugs and kisses for us!
xoxo
christy
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