It's been 4 1/2 years. I am healed in many ways. Yet, I am still broken in many others.
I have accepted that I am just different now. Most people cannot relate to me on a deep level. Honestly, I don't really even try. I just don't let people get close anymore.
Last weekend, I ran into a long time friend. We were super close friends in high school and spent many years attending MOPS together.
She was out of town when Nate died. 3,000 miles out of town. It was okay that she wasn't there. I completely understood.
She dropped by our home when she returned.
I wasn't there.
She left a beautiful Tiffany eternity necklace for me (such a wonderful, thoughtful gift that I treasure).
She spoke with my husband and asked what she could do to help. He was honest with her. He said that I needed her time. That's it. Plain and simple.
Time!
She told him that she would be in contact with me. That she would help. I eagerly waited for her call.
That was 4 1/2 years ago.
Last weekend was the first time that I came face to face with her.
I was startled when I saw her face from across the crowded store. She was full of excitement and acted as if nothing had ever happened. We briefly conversed to which she asked several times "what's wrong". "Nothing" I kept replying. I guess she sensed that I was not the same.
Nothing was "wrong". Yet everything was "wrong". I couldn't tell her what I really wanted to. I couldn't say how she abandoned me when I needed her most. I couldn't say how much she hurt me.
I forgave her and many others long ago. I'm over it. My anxiety about running into all of the people that abandoned me is gone. Now it's just weird. Uncomfortable. Awkward.
I still don't know what to say...
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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4 comments:
Trisha, wouldn't it be wonderful if we dealt with our hurts the same way we dealt with grief? But those abandoned feelings, they are the salt in the wound, and require a different set of forgiveness. I read this post and just sat here nodding - I am in this place, and the worst part is it's with my husband. 3 1/2 years later. We never just get a pass and "get over" anything, do we? Baby loss, the gift that just keeps on giving...
I'm so sorry. I haven't seen my 'best friend' since Wiley's funeral and that was 9 months ago. She doesn't get it. At all. I often wonder if we will go years without seeing or talking to each other. Of course I'll never be that friend I was before either, but it does hurt when you think your close friends will be there when it really matters.
I can so totally relate to this post. My dearest lifetime friend. Came to Laynee's funeral and then walked out of my life. She lives 5 miles from me but I see her only if I happen to run into her at a store and then it is awkward. It hurt for a very long time, I don't understand it at all. But this I do know. Her reaction to my child's death is not about me but about her. For some reason, she cannot face the grief and sorrow that we have experienced. Call it weak, call it cowardly, call it appalling, call it whatever you want. What matters is that it is her issue, not mine. I pray for her, love her. I forgive her every time I think of her and then I release her, knowing that my heart has no room for stress over someone who cannot or will not deal with their own issues.
Praying for you, dear friend.
I am so sorry about this. Honestly for what she did and others I think it's time to just tell them that they hurt you. She knows she did. ((HUGS))
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