in the mail

Today, I mailed Brady's 1st birthday invites. 
Period. 
End of sentence...or is it?

Actually, I mailed some to a few friends last week but I had trouble mailing the stack of "family" invites.  So they sat there addressed, stamped and ready to go for an extra 4 days.  4 extra days of contemplating our decision to invite the family members that I have kept at a safe distance for the past 4 1/2 years.

We met with our awesome grief counselor this morning for our monthly appointment.  I think that I was holding onto those invites until we had one last opportunity to talk through the decision to include extended family.  It was a great morning.  Our counselor rocks. 
Seriously. 
So helpful. 
Here's the perspective that I gained this morning:

My issue :

By inviting family to Brady's 1st birthday, I don't want them to think that the door is open again and we are back to "normal" ready to host events, share details of our life and frequently interact.

Response from our counselor:

This is a one time event.  You are only opening the doors for a two hour period.  After this party ends, you can take each event, invitation, conversation one at a time.  Inviting them to this party in no way is an invitation for them to participate in your lives.  You are still in control of what level of interaction you want to have.

My issue: 

I have a hard time thinking about inviting family members (not all but SOME) into my home.  A place where I feel safe and have physical barriers that protect me from insensitive, selfish and hurtful people.

Response from our counselor:

You just have to be polite.  You don't have to talk with people that you don't want to.  You can just excuse yourself and tend to party details.

My issue:

I don't want people that disrespected Nate's life and death holding Brady.  In fact, I don't really want him to be passed around at all.

Response from our counselor:

If someone asks, you can simply say "I think that I'm going to hold on to him for today.  It's a special day". 


Simple. 
So simple.

I don't understand why I can't just simplify things.  I can't seem to think in terms of one event or situation at a time.  I'm always thinking ten steps down the line. 

I don't know what we would have done without our counselor and his advice these past 4 1/2 years.  He knows that I feel like God is pushing me to include them in this party.  It's certainly not something that I would choose to do.  But I feel like it's the right thing to do.  He encouraged me to talk with God and ask Him what he wants to teach me through this experience and give me some insight into His plan for the day.


So...after our appointment, we stopped by the post office and I mailed the invites.  They are officially out of my hands (and no they didn't have to pry them away).  Now they belong to the US post office and tomorrow they will be delivered into the hands of people that one year ago I would have never even considered inviting into my home.  Ever.

I'm going to really work on trusting God with this one but I have to be honest and tell you that I am hopeful that a few of the people aren't able to make it. 

Praying that they are sick - no. 
Praying that they are busy that day - maybe? 
Okay, yes.  I admit it.  I'm not praying that they are busy but I sure am hoping that they are.

Hopefully, we made the right decision.  Hopefully, I will enjoy the day and I will not allow Satan to have any part of it.  I know that God will be there with us.  I hope that I can make Him proud. 

Now...off to make some party decorations.  I can't believe that Brady is turning 1!!!!!