on my heart...

 

Nathan has been especially on my heart the past few weeks.

I walked into my my twins' 2nd grade Valentine's party on Thursday to find this on the desk next to one of them.

 

 
Normally, this student goes by Nathanial so this valentine caught me off guard.  Oh how that just tugged at my heart seeing that name. 

Big time.
 
But there have been many other things that have done that lately. 

• Driving past the little league fields every day where he should be playing t-ball.  Noah was playing his first year of t-ball when Nate died.  So weird to think of Nate being that age.

 

• Getting emails from school about Kindergarten registration this month and knowing that I should be getting my little guy ready for Kindergarten.  Such a huge milestone that will be missed.

• Trying to figure out how to celebrate his Golden Birthday ( FIVE on March 5th) since we don't have Disney passes this year.  A huge dilemma that we have not had to worry about since we made a decision to spend his birthday every year at Disney.

• Learning that my daughters friend (and we know her parents well) Katie's cancer returned and she is fighting for her life once again at the same hospital that we were at fighting for Nate's life.  They were on the same soccer team when Nate died.

• Receiving comments on this blog about how I am portraying myself as a victim, living in a paranoid state and how they doubt that "everyone" could have betrayed me.  Just to be clear, I am extremely insecure now but I do not view myself as a victim.  And, everyone didn't "betray" me, but everyone DID walk away.  Most have apologized for that but I am way too insecure to risk letting them back into my life.  I am not strong enough to risk getting burned like that again.  At least not right now.

 
 
I seem to get more emotional this time of year.  March is not my friend.  This year is especially difficult.  FIVE.  My sweet little boy would be turning 5.  Such an important birthday...especially since it's his "Golden Birthday". 
 
I don't talk about it much.  People don't want to hear about my son that lives in Heaven.  It's uncomfortable.  I get that.  So, I just maintain my superficial relationships with the moms from school and sports.  I talk about things that are silly, dumb, trivial.  Whatever it takes to get through my time with them.  It probably makes it worse.  But that's all I can do. 

So...I blog.  Thanks for listening...