Faith restoration...

I have been honest on this blog about my struggle with Faith ever since Nate died.  I don't have any doubt that he is safe in the arms of God...in Heaven.  I KNOW that to be true.  No struggle there. 

What I do struggle with is my faith in this world.  The relationship between me and God.  There were many times...actually many years where I longed to feel His presence..but didn't.  Many times that I cried out for help and didn't hear an answer.  Many times that I prayed and prayed...and got a no.

But I continue to try.  I haven't given up on Him and I know that He hasn't given up on me. 

This week, a couple things have happened to let me know that He is walking with me.  I know deep down that He is always walking with me.  But a couple things have happened this week where I FEEL Him walking with me.

The past few weeks have been tough...emotionally.  I just feel kinda blah.  Not happy.  Not sad.  Just blah.  And there have been more tears this past month then there have been in the past year. 

I had a conversation with God a few weeks back and I told Him that I was going to be okay if we couldn't spend Nate's birthday at Disneyland (my kids were not so okay...).  I knew that either way, we were going to visit his brick (something that I have longed to do since his last birthday 360 days ago), do a balloon release and spend the afternoon as a family.  Even if that meant just hanging out on a bench in front of Disney without going in.  I wasn't excited about it.  But I was okay with it. 

I made a conscious decision to "be still" and see what happens.  Getting THIS letter from Disney was painful but I decided not to get upset about it because "something" else may happen.  God is certainly bigger than a customer service representative.

Well, "something" else DID happen.  God put it on some sweet person's heart (that doesn't even know me) to leave a comment with the most generous offer ever.! It touched my heart in the deepest way.  I wasn't able to connect with her but God put it on another sweet mama's heart (again that doesn't even know me) to email me and offer her help.  Amazing help. 

In that moment, I felt God.  I literally felt his arms wrap around me and let me know that He is right there...holding me.  It was a huge step in the restoration of our relationship.  I know...without a doubt that HE orchestrated this...and in nothing less than in an unexpected and magnificent way.   

I blog for two reasons.  The first being that I have stuff to say...emotions that I don't want to stuff...but no one that I can talk to.  The second being that I want other mama's to know that they aren't alone. 

I don't blog to get anything back.  I know some of the people that read my blog.  But I don't know them all.  I don't know you all.  I never expected that any of you would care enough about me and my family to go out on a limb for us.  I am in awe.  I am humbled.  I am grateful.

March came today.  This is and ALWAYS will be Nate's month.  Nate's wreath is proudly displayed on our door and it will remain there for 31 days. 

For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to his birthday next week rather than dreading it.  My "blah" is gone.