WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
it's that time of year again...
The start of the new year always brings thoughts of Nate's birthday to the forefront of our minds. Can you say TRIGGER?
The kids have been asking a lot about how we are going to celebrate this year. They have their plans set and ready to go. They include a traditional day at Disneyland with a balloon release and eating at McDonald's. They also include a VERY non traditional day...they have asked to go to the cemetery and visit his grave. They have it all planned out...Disneyland on his birthday and the cemetery on the anniversary of his death.
I just nod.
That's all I can do.
We have yet to figure out how we are going to do Disneyland this year ( I have been entering every single contest I can find to win tickets) and I don't even know how I feel about taking all the kids to the cemetery.
My two oldest kids DO NOT want to go to the cemetery...they have made that very clear. They remember going to bury him. That was enough for them. They twins do not. They have lots of questions. They want to see for themselves. Lets just say that the cemetery is not my favorite place. He's not there...he's in Heaven. So for me, it's just a sad reminder of his broken little body.
My twins are almost 9 1/2 - the EXACT age that my oldest was when Nate was born...and died.
Crazy.
It's a unique experience when you mark the growth of your kids by a tragedy.
I find myself often comparing them, the experiences that they had and the struggles that they have had to deal with. Overall, my kids have dealt with this tragedy well. We have met other families whose kids have fallen victim to self destructive behaviors. So sad. For now, we are lucky that we don't have to walk that path. Prayerful that we never have to.
*****I just read this post and it sounds so scattered...but I am not going to change it. I'm not going to clean it up and make it sound good. I'm going to let it stand on it's own. This time of year I always feel scattered and that's just how I am. I don't know if it will always be like that. I just take it one year at a time...and that's okay.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
1 comment:
Trisha--I have not been around reading blogs for quite some time….but I'm here now and I want to tell you this…
I know about marking your kids growth. I have done it since Chase died and still do it today. Owen is getting into the clothes that Reese wore when Chase died. Owen's a little bigger than Reese was but still….it is huge to me. I look at these clothes that I saved for Owen and that Chase would have worn. It all means something to me. They are milestones constantly with their staggered ages. Reese the age that Karly was when Chase died, Owen the age that Reese was…..all the time. But the clothes are such a literal sign. I don't ever NOT think about it.
I hope you get to Disneyland this year to do your balloons. It's such a special event. But if you don't, I know whatever you do will be special. I can certainly understand the cemetery. We aren't able to go to Chase's grave other than on or around his birthday and have issues of our own with that whole thing anyway, but when we are there, the place we buried him, it's sad. Terribly terribly sad. Of course Owen doesn't know that and he makes sure smiles are never too far away. But it's just sad. I (kinda) know a man who lost his baby sister when he was 7 (Karly's age when Chase died) and he is probably round 30 now and when asked, he doesn't hesitate to say he has a sister, and either does or doesn't explain that she died when she was born. But knowing that comforted me that when my kids are older they will be so used to talking about Chase and counting him in our numbers that it won't even be a second thought.
Sorry to ramble. But please know that I am still holding your hand on this journey. Shedding tears. Smiling at your photos of your beautiful children and how much Brady has grown!
Love you sweet friend. xoxo
Christy
Post a Comment