I sat here reading through past posts a few days ago. They sounded sad. I sound sad.
Got me thinking...am I sad?
I'm not! Definitively.
NOT SAD!
Do I have sad moments? YES!
Where do I go when I experience those moments...those feelings?
**HERE!**
That's usually when I blog. When I'm sad. When I'm struggling. When I want to talk about Nate and the rest of the world doesn't want to hear. This is what I use my blog for.
But most of the time...I'm not sad. Being almost 6 years down the path I'm finding myself pretty darn comfortable with life. I've learned to live with my grief.
5 years ago I wrote this post.
Back then I was drowning in grief - could not keep my head above water.
But now...now I think I'm more like the amputee.
I feel like someone unexpectedly ripped my leg off.
At first I couldn't move.
I couldn't escape the tormenting pain.
All day...all night.
My missing leg was at the forefront of every thought.
But through the years I learned to walk again. I still stumble and fall.
There are still scars. They will never go away.
And I will never walk the same as I would if I didn't have my leg ripped off.
I walk differently now. But I'm walking. Surviving.
Comfortable going on with my life without my leg... comfortable going on with life without my son.
I guess I have finally accepted the life that God chose for me. I don't always like it. A newborn baby sitting next to me still causes me to question God "why did you have to take MY BABY". Thoughts of celebrating Nate's birthday again (without him) still breaks my heart. And family...ugh - they will NEVER understand.
BUT...most days are blue sky days. Insanely busy, exhausting days. But blue sky nonetheless. I'm going to officially stick the comfortable label firmly on my forehead (I can take it off when it's not a blue sky day).
Posts
3 comments:
This amputation thing : I had another mother of 6 tell me of the same feeling years after one of her sons had been killed in a road accident. Hopefully, the scar will be less and less painful. It will be there, but it won't hurt. Or only on rainy days. And there will be many many more blue sky days than rainy days.
It's hard for people to relate to violent pain when they have not experienced the loss. You are bound to feel lonely and sad, but hopefully, your blog followers can reach over to you and soften the blow when it hits too hard...
Nate was not to stay with you, but he is a sweet angel, watching over you. He would not want you to be sad. And the love goes on, it does.
V. (France)
Very well put, Trisha. I get it. Here's to blue skies!
<3 <3 <3
Loved this. I agree, here's to blue skies!
Post a Comment