Every year, I grow stronger and more capable of dealing with what this day is. It will always mean something to the 7 of us left here on earth. It will mean nothing to the majority of everyone else.
To make an attempt to bring good on this day, I'm re-publishing some of the tips that I wrote 7 years ago. If you have never walked my path, please do me a favor and read them. I really hope that I can educate others on how to help someone like me. It would have been sooo nice if my friends and family would have been able to hold my hand as I walked through tragedy rather than walking away.
Don't assume anything
Don't assume that someone who has lost someone is doing okay. Everyone deals with grief/tragedy differently. Some avoid, some take anti-depressants, some isolate, some are suicidal. It's really hard to judge if people are doing well or if they are drowning.
Don't assume that people want to be left alone. You may think that they do but, this is usually not the case. You need people to support you. You need to feel loved. You need to be cared for. You need help. Groups of people can be overwhelming. But a quiet visit, a kind letter or a warm email is so helpful.
Don't assume that they want you to report to others how they are doing. When tragedy strikes, people that aren't connected may ask those who are "how's the family doing?". Ask the family if they want you to report this information. If they don't, keep your conversations private. Tell those who ask to contact them directly. Don't encourage the isolation. Help connect them with people who care.
Also, don't assume that their family is taking care of them or that other people are sending cards or keeping in contact. Don't assume that they have food or groceries. Don't assume that they don't need anything. Just because the family appears to have a large support system doesn't mean that they actually do. Visit them...email them...call them...ask!!! You're more likely to know what they need if you are around them on a regular basis.
Don't assume that they want you to report to others how they are doing. When tragedy strikes, people that aren't connected may ask those who are "how's the family doing?". Ask the family if they want you to report this information. If they don't, keep your conversations private. Tell those who ask to contact them directly. Don't encourage the isolation. Help connect them with people who care.
Also, don't assume that their family is taking care of them or that other people are sending cards or keeping in contact. Don't assume that they have food or groceries. Don't assume that they don't need anything. Just because the family appears to have a large support system doesn't mean that they actually do. Visit them...email them...call them...ask!!! You're more likely to know what they need if you are around them on a regular basis.
Show up for the funeral
I'm sure that the last thing you want to do is go to a funeral. And you can be sure that the same is true for the family. I guarantee that no one wants to be there. No one wants to see that tiny white casket. It's sad. It's hard. The very least that you can do is support the family by going to the funeral. Even if you barely know them. It's such an important event. Just show up!
Do what you say
Don't be one of those people that has good intentions. Intentions don't help. Be one of those people that has good results. Grief is debilitating. If you say you are going to bring a meal or visit or do them a favor - DO IT! Bailing, cancelling, forgetting is extremely hurtful for someone who has experienced a tragedy. Grief is like a deep dark pit that completely sucks you in. It's dark, lonely and scary. It's miserable to be there alone which is why it's so important to reach out to people that are hurting. When you are grieving, you are just trying to get through life day by day and sometimes hour by hour.
Don't stress about doing the "right" thing
If you are uncomfortable, you're probably doing the right thing! No one is comfortable in these circumstances. It's completely unnatural. The comfortable thing to do is sit home and make excuses to yourself why you didn't do anything. So, be uncomfortable and DO SOMETHING! We've been told dozens and dozens of times by people that they didn't know what to do so they didn't do anything. Or, they were afraid to say the wrong thing so they didn't talk to us. Honestly, some people do say stupid things and it's not helpful. But it's better to say the wrong thing than to say nothing. We needed people to support us and were willing to risk that they would say the wrong thing. It's so painful to be invisible.
Don't say...
"Call me if you need me." Grief stricken people are way to far in the dark to ask for help. They need people to reach out to them. They probably don't even know what they need. It's much easier to say "Thanks, but no thanks" than it is to say "Does anyone care?" So call them. If they don't call back, send an email. If they still don't respond keep doing it. Don't give up! They may not be able or ready but it doesn't hurt (and even helps) to keep trying.
****"How are you doing?" This question is asked so commonly. Often times it's not sincere. Even when it is asked with good intentions, it's a very difficult question to answer. It's hard to gage if someone REALLY wants to know what you are struggling with or if they just want confirmation that you're okay (even if you're not). If you are having a heart to heart conversation, this question may be appropriate. But don't use it flippantly. Instead, say "tell me about your day" or "Tell me what challenges you are facing right now".
"God won't give you more than you can handle." I can't even begin to count the number of times we were told this. The bible actually doesn't even say that. It says that God won't tempt you beyond your capabilities. In fact the bible is full of circumstances that are way beyond what anyone can handle.
"You're still young." That may be true but it's not comforting to someone in the middle of a deep dark pit of grief. It makes it sound like the pain that they are in doesn't matter because of their age. Grief knows no age.
"God must have a reason." God can bring goodness out of the pain and sadness. But if someone died, it's hard to see beyond the pain. Save that one for later.
"Are you better now?" Some people don't want to deal with the grief. They wait until people are back to normal to engage. People who are grieving need support when they are hurting. Run to them. If you're spending time with them, you'll know how their doing. You won't even need to ask this question.
"Be strong." People need to get the grief out. It's really unhealthy to pretend or deny the feelings. Encourage them to be weak and tell them that you'll be strong so they don't have to.
"It's time to pull out of this depression." Intense grief will last at least a year. During that time, survival day to day is all that can be expected. The second year is about learning how to go on and live life without the loved one. It's still a very tough year. The earliest one can expect to be "okay" again is two years. Of course everyone is different. But for those that deal with the grief in a healthy way, it's usually about two years and then it will re-surface off and on for the rest of their lives.
Why-
"God won't give you more than you can handle." I can't even begin to count the number of times we were told this. The bible actually doesn't even say that. It says that God won't tempt you beyond your capabilities. In fact the bible is full of circumstances that are way beyond what anyone can handle.
"You're still young." That may be true but it's not comforting to someone in the middle of a deep dark pit of grief. It makes it sound like the pain that they are in doesn't matter because of their age. Grief knows no age.
"God must have a reason." God can bring goodness out of the pain and sadness. But if someone died, it's hard to see beyond the pain. Save that one for later.
"Are you better now?" Some people don't want to deal with the grief. They wait until people are back to normal to engage. People who are grieving need support when they are hurting. Run to them. If you're spending time with them, you'll know how their doing. You won't even need to ask this question.
"Be strong." People need to get the grief out. It's really unhealthy to pretend or deny the feelings. Encourage them to be weak and tell them that you'll be strong so they don't have to.
"It's time to pull out of this depression." Intense grief will last at least a year. During that time, survival day to day is all that can be expected. The second year is about learning how to go on and live life without the loved one. It's still a very tough year. The earliest one can expect to be "okay" again is two years. Of course everyone is different. But for those that deal with the grief in a healthy way, it's usually about two years and then it will re-surface off and on for the rest of their lives.
Why-
People think that they have to fix it with words. They think that if they say the right thing, they can make it all better. The truth is that rarely did someone say something that helped. The people that offered us the most support are the people that would just be there. They would listen without judging us or telling us that what we're feeling is wrong. All of these comments were said to me at one time or another. Most of them didn't hurt deeply. But some did. The ones that hurt the most were from the people that only said that one comment. When a bad comment is surrounded by tangible love and caring, it doesn't usually hurt.
Just "BE" with them
you have to RUN TO
people that are hurting,
NOT FROM them.
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