Brady is 10 months old ALREADY. Seriously, where does the time go?
How is it possible that I only have 2 more months of his first year? Ugh. I'm so incredibly grateful for him but not at all happy about how fast it is going. I just want time to freeze for a little while...
I'm starting to think about and plan for his 1st birthday party. I've always made 1st birthday's a big deal. I'm talking about HUGE backyard parties with lots of friends and family. Like 75+ people. Crazy I know. But it was fun. Super fun to share all of my kids' first birthdays with everyone that we were "doing life" with back then.
But Nathan changed everything. I've said that a lot. But it's true. Life is just so different now and I'm having trouble navigating.
I only have ONE chance to celebrate Brady's 1st birthday. I want to do it right. I don't want to regret doing it wrong. It's a big deal for us. Huge in fact. 1st Birthday's are not a guarantee. They are a gift. There are a lot of things that can go wrong in the first year (which is why babies have so many check-ups during that time).
I'm having trouble deciding how to celebrate it. December is NOT a month where I can do a huge backyard party (even in Southern California). It will have to mostly be inside. That will necessitate a smaller number alone. But I don't know HOW small to keep it.
- We only had 8 people at his dedication. Do we keep it that small? Just immediate family and a couple of friends from our support group.
- Do we include some family but not the ones that were selfish and insensitive by making choices that continually felt like they were pushing us under water while we were already drowning?
- Do we let go of the hurt and rise above the way that we were treated by including ALL of the family?
I would love to have some advice with this decision. I definitely have a preference but I don't know that it's right. It's what I'm comfortable with but God might have a different opinion. I know that it will be really hard for me to welcome most of my husband's family into my home and share such a special (one time) event with them but if that's the RIGHT thing to do, then I want to do the right thing.
Please, please, please share with me your opinions. Especially if you feel like God is leading you to tell me.
Couldn't resist sharing a pic that I took over the weekend. I'm not a "fan" of Fall, but I do love this Fall pic.
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11 comments:
Hi Trisha,
I don't know that I am the right person to answer this question for you because my own life has been filled with so much hurt. But for what it's worth......I have learned that there are people who say something incencitive unintentionally and then there are those who are repeatedly incencitive and you simply cannot write it off as ignorance or whatever excuse society might be prone to make for them. Life is short, it is precious and valuable and we only get to live it once. That said, I think for something as special as your sons first birthday you should have only those who truly want to celebrate with you. Those who love and care for him. Those whom you want to have close to you on that special day. DO not invite anyone who will cause you to feel a measure of stress or discomfort. The death of a child causes such unspeakable pain and I have learned that I need to release myself of any sort of obligation to those who repeatedly hurt me. At the same time, I think that it is also important to release yourself of anger or animosity towards others. Try to be loving toward them when you are with them. Remember that forgiving is more for the offended than it is for the offender. Forgiving does not mean trusting or having a close relationship. It simply means forgiving, moving on and not looking back. Life is short. Too short to spend within the confines of resentment but also too short to spend worrying about how to please the unpleasable, too short to spend with those who cause you hurt. Find a balance and learn to live within that balance. Blessings to you and your sweet family
I am an Australian Mum who has followed your beautiful blog and prayed for you since the loss of your beautiful Nathan.
We will be in Los Angeles in early December and I will think of Nathan and his birthday celebrations when we are at Disneyland.
I have a Mother-in-Law who doesn't acknowledge my existence. I put up with her caustic treatment for 10 years. And then I said enough.
I have no time for political correctness and keeping up with people who cause me stress, grief and pain. Invited those with whom you want to share this beautiful occasion. And ignore all the rest. It is about celebrating Brady and your family. And no one else.
As I read the options you are considering I felt that you should go with the small party or maybe the second one with a few family members. I wouldn't have those who were selfish and insensitive. Why make the day difficult for youself.
I cannot imagine what you have been through and I am so sorry. You might could look at this at a fresh start and give your family an opportunity to share in your blessing and getting to know this precious little boy, then let the chips fall where they may. Take the high road.
I cannot imagine what you have been through and I am so sorry. You might could look at this at a fresh start and give your family an opportunity to share in your blessing and getting to know this precious little boy, then let the chips fall where they may. Take the high road.
Do you have a gut feeling of what you think is best? Do that. If you dont - Id like to say to rise above, but I feel like you should do what's best for your family and you. Sweet Brady knows he's loved and wont be upset if it's not huge bash or if it is only a few close family/friends.
Thinking of you!!! I cannot believe he is going to be one!!!!!!
Do what you think is best, chariTy suffereTh long and is kind. That is what came to me when reading your post.
Jill
I'm a new follower. I'm very sorry for your loss and the hurt you have had. You can forgive the ones who have hurt you, but you don't have to go all out to include them in your lives. On the other hand, I keep thinking, what would Jesus do? I know what He would do, but I don't know if I would be strong enough to do it. I hope you can choose a decision that makes for a peaceful & happy day for you & your family. (((HUGS)))
Oh my I can't believe he is almost one, either! And that picture is so precious! You can just look at him and know he is loved so much!
Your post struck a chord with me for sure. I know exactly what you mean. Our decision was made for us as we moved so none of our friends were close enough to come anyway. I shouldn't say that, our friends changed so much a long time before this and there is no way in the world we would have ever gone back to that circle.
At first I was going to say don't invite them, but then when I got to your option #3, teh mere fact that you even mention rising above and letting go of the hurt makes me think you are almost needing to let go. For yourself. Because it takes energy to hold on to the hurt they caused. But, as I said, I'd be a hypocrite if I told you to "let them back in" your world.
I think you have some things to think about and you have some good opinions/advice here--I agree with Karol, too. This is a really hard decision and I think it is awesome that you have this community to come to without being judged....because we know a lot of what you are going through.
I read a quote the other day that said, "People either inspire you or drain you, pick them wisely." Also, this one, "Do not chase people. Be you and do your own thing and work hard. The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay." Wu Tang
This birthday celebration is about you and celebrating a lot of things, one of them is that you even get to have this birthday party. You don't need people there that are reminders of alot of sadness and negativity. It's not about them whether or not you invite them. It's about you and planning a day of joy. I'm sorry I sound so wishy washy but my heart goes out for you. I wish this wasn't such a tough decision. But I do know that whatever choice you do make will be the right one. I know that in my heart.
First of that pic of Brady is too darn cute!!!
I will be honest, I think Brady deserves a great celebration just like your other kids have had. You don't want him thinking he is different from them because he didn't get a party like they did. And he will notice this someday when he is older I promise.
Trisha...I read this post in my reader on my phone a while back and meant to get over here and comment. I initially didn't have a "right" answer to give you but reading what Angie said...I would tend to ask you the same thing. I am, right now, in the middle of a family battle...both on my side and Fernando's and we haven't spoken to several people in months. I think about the reasons for why we don't have those people in our lives right now and it all boils down to one thing for me. They are toxic to me. I made a rule a long time ago to avoid toxic people, even if that included my family. I think you have to go with what your gut is telling you and forget what other people might think or what you think you "should" do. You probably have already made your decision so sorry for giving my two cents so late.
Hope you're enjoying the planning so far. I miss throwing a good party!
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