it ended with many broken hearts.
Our sweet boy died 7 years ago today. It's his "Heaven Day" but we don't really celebrate that. I find a tremendous amount of comfort in knowing that he is in Heaven and that we will see him again. But it is not a day that I feel like celebrating. It's just a day that I try to survive.
These past 7 years I have wrestled with God -- A LOT! In fact just yesterday in church my eyes filled with tears and I found myself once again angry with Him. Angry that my heart had to hurt so much. But then I was reminded of all of the times that He did hold my hand. He did that again this morning...
As I took the twins to school I met up with another mom who's 16 year old son died of cancer on Valentines Day...
My oldest daughter was in some classes with him and knew his older sister so we took her to his funeral. It was a Muslim funeral so with all of the scarfs I wasn't able to identify the parents. I didn't realize until this weekend that it was the same family that also had a son in my twins' class last year. The mom of a child that I had volunteered in class with many, many times.
We stood on the blacktop and cried together for a long time this morning. It was no coincidence that God connected us on this day. As I looked into her dark sorrowful eyes I could vividly see the person I once was. The grief was all consuming. It was ONLY her 3 other children that gave her a reason to live.
That was me.
I was her.
But I'm not anymore. I have changed in these past 7 years. God has helped me heal. I'm still sad. I will always be sad. Especially on tough days like today. But it's always comforting to know that the grief does not consume me like it once did.
I walked through it...and I walked out.
I say that because it didn't JUST happen. It was a lot of work.
A LOT!
But I did what I needed to do to heal my heart enough to finish this life and I walked out knowing that I will be united with him again. So as I relive the events that unfolded 7 years ago today. The day that started with "Your son is doing so well he can go home tomorrow" and ended with "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do". I will hold on to the reminder that God gave me this morning when He showed me that I am not that grief-stricken mom anymore. And He will get me through this day like He has for the past 6 years.
Miss you sweet boy!!
Click Here if you would like to read more about Nate's last day.
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2 comments:
Thinking of you and your sweet family, today and always...
Saturday an old coworker reached out to me on FB, asking if she could pass along my contact info to a friend who had just lost her baby. All I could think to share with this new mom was, there is light beyond the darkness. Maybe, as "old hats" at this babyloss business, that is our new job - to show women consumed in grief that, someday, you will take on a semblance of normalcy again. You will laugh, and feel joy, even though their little lives are forever part of the fabric of you. It sounds like you had a moment of that this past week, too.
I love that, despite all the hurt and anger you've gathered through these last 7 years, you still have a soft heart and are able to reach across to someone who is mired in grief. You are an incredibly beautiful and inspiring person!! (hug))
The heartache….I do feel connected sometimes when I hear of other stories of lost babies. It is a club no one wants to be in, but only we can comfort in this way, too. I'm glad you got to help this woman and let her know you are on a journey not wanted, as well. Love to you, my friend.
xoxo
Christy
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