Not gonna happen this year...

Sad.  So sad.
I love doing Mother's Day gifts for the Mama's in the hospital.  I believe there truly is no one more deserving than the Mommy's in the hospital that are fighting for the life of their child.

But...I have financial limitations this year.  So I will have to pass but I'm definitely going to start saving up for next year so that this does not happen again!

Especially disappointing because my husbands cousin has a 10 year old son that is currently in the same hospital that Nate died at and was just diagnosed with a brain tumor.  A heartbreaking Mother's Day for sure!  Can't believe tragedy is striking the Larson Family again...

Prayers appreciated!

XOXO

The same story with a different ending...

It's all over the news today.  

I share the same story.
Nate had the exact same heart defect (95% chance of survival)
Nate had open heart surgery at the exact same hospital - CHLA.
Nate's surgeon was also Dr. Starnes (the best).

But...Jimmy got a different ending... 

Struggling with the W's today
(Why?  What if?)

Holding onto the F WORD today 
(FAITH - someday I will have perfect understanding).

Love him...watch his show all the time.
Love that he is sharing his experience so that others can understand what it's like to fight for the life of your child.
Love that he is raising tons of money for CHLA to help all the sick kids and their families.
Love that he got a happy ending.

That day I don't like...

is today!  The anniversary of Nate's death.  Will I ever stop re-playing it?  I hope so...

The past few weeks have been very, very tough.  However, I have never felt God so strongly.  Brady has been drawing rainbows, cutting them out and taping them all over my room this entire week!  It was God sending me some hugs from the rainbow baby He sent to bring out the sunshine again.  

And then there was this cool God story...Two weeks ago we kinda hit bottom.  I had been living day to day and thanking God for getting us through and providing us with what we needed.  I was not thinking about the future.  That is until two weeks ago when life kinda came crashing down with a few things.  We were litterally sitting on the couch together as a family crying and trying to figure out how to handle a specific situation (my twins compete gymnastics competitively (both State Champions) and we were trying to figure out how to keep them going but facing the fact that we might not be able to) when someone knocked at our door and left an Easter basket full of goodies with the following card:

God knew...He knew everything and he was in it with us!  

The perfect message at the perfect time.  That's when life started to turn...my husband got a temporary job that might turn into a permanent one and we figured out how to keep the twins in gymnastics along with a few other struggles we were having.  In no way is the strugle over...but that one little card with that one little verse just changed it all.

So as I struggle through the specific memories of this day and as my heart yearns to hold my sweet little boy again, I am reminded that God knows!  He just knows and that is enough...for today.

I never posted pictures from Nate's birthday so I thought I would post them today while it's still March...

This year the kids had to share a balloon!  We got a blue one for Nate and it's been flying high in our kitchen all month long.  March is still his month!  But it's always a relief when April rolls around.

XOXO

Thanks for the support!!!!

Happy Birthday Nate (nine)!

I am so looking forward to the day that I can celebrate your birthday with you.  We have celebrated nine of them without you...

Miss you sweet boy.  Wishing you a beautiful celebration!

Love,
Mommy

Quick Update...

for those who have so kindly prayed for our family.

My daughter's surgery went well.  She has another 3 inch scar on her shin (to match the 3 inch scar on her knee).  We have an appointment with the Oncologist next week so I'm assuming that we will get pathology results then?  Even if they are negative, it still could have spread so she has to see the Oncologist on a regular basis for the next 2 years!

My husband had his 3rd interview with a great company last week.  Have not heard a word since.  Praying so hard for them to offer him a job  (I literally drive by the office every day and pray).  He doesn't have any other options currently in the pipeline.

Thank you to my blogging family.  You are FAR more supportive and concerned than my real family!

Hugs!

He answered my sarcastic question...

This time...His answer was Melanoma Cancer.

When my husband lost his job in December I told God I would still praise Him...and I would trust Him through the uncomfortableness (is that even a word?).  We have been through so much the past few years that I also said "What else ya got?"

Last month, my daughter was diagnosed with Melanoma in her leg...the same leg she had knee surgery on 5 months ago from college soccer.  Surgery is TOMORROW!  Please pray that she is safe during surgery (I know first hand that mistakes can be made) and that the cancer hasn't spread.  And a job for my husband would be a huge relief too.

I will still praise you God, but ugh...mercy already!!!!!

Life...

Once again it's Christmas.  A time of Joy for most, a time of sorrow for many.  My heart just aches for those who like us are split onto both Heaven and Earth.

Today we celebrate Jesus.  For our family, this has been a very different Christmas.  An upcoming job layoff next month put a hault on spending so we had to be creative and stretch what we had.  My kids are so resilient at this point that they made some fun new memories in the midst of it and haven't complained at all.  Our family has been through so much the past 8 years since Nate died.  It's just been one thing after another...  I'm finally at the point where I told God "What else ya got?".  Honestly, I just don't care anymore.  I know He has my back and whatever He is molding me into, it's for a reason.  Life just has to be uncomfortable for a little bit longer.  

So today, we focus on Jesus and because of Him, our church family blessed us with some love.  I much prefer to be the one doing the giving but it does feel nice to be loved on.

May your Christmas be full of Joy no matter what the circumstance is.

XOXOXO