Tragedy leads to a lot of things. One of them being introspection. I have spent a lot of time soul searching lately. Trying to figure out why my perception of family and friends before Nate's death was so incredibly different than the reality after. Trying to figure out who I am and what God's purpose is for me.
The first year after Nate died, I was just going through the motions of life. I had been rejected by so many people that I loved and admired that the simple act of leaving my house caused anxiety. I wasn't strong enough to think about anything deep. I was simply in survival mode. Trying to take care of my family and trying to prevent more people from hurting us.
The second year after Nate died, I NEEDED people. I was out of the "fog" of grief and the reality of my life was setting in. I hated being alone. When I was alone, images and memories flooded my mind. When I was alone, I felt vulnerable with God. When I was alone, I had to be with myself. I didn't like any of those. So, I was lucky enough to find a handful of people that were willing to travel the grief road with me. People that had no idea what to expect or how to help me but they just walked by my side. My schedule was full. Very, very full. I had friends to exercise with in the mornings, friends that would meet me at the park while the kids played, friends that would have lunch with me and friends that would share many lonely weekends with our family. I liked my schedule. It was comforting. I could spend my time with others so that I didn't have to spend time with me and my thoughts. The only problem with that was that people are not perfect and that's who I was relying on. The foundation that I attempted to manifest was still not secure.
Now, I am discovering that my SOCIAL calendar (not my crazy sports calendar) is rather empty...and I kinda like it. Occasionally, I will meet with a friend but most days...most weeks...I am alone. That would have been a scary thought a year or two ago. I didn't want to be alone. But now I am learning to embrace it. I don't even attempt to schedule things anymore. All of my life I have been an initiator. Now I am just chillaxing (my daughters word of choice). I am okay doing my 3 mile run alone... that is my special time with God. I am okay spending time alone at home while the kids are at school...that is my opportunity to tackle projects and finish chores so that I have more time when my kids are home. I am okay spending weekends with just our family....we are finding creative ways to enjoy one another and make memories.
I'm not sure if this is good or bad but I realize that I don't NEED people anymore. I am okay by myself.
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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10 comments:
Its interseting going through the motions isnt it. You are strong!! Thinking of you!
((HUGS)) I am glad that you are learning to embrace this, I understand this all too well.
I'm not even sure if I even had a social calendar to begin with! lol We just really don't have that many friends that we do things with where we live. We prolly should get out more but I'm actually content staying home with the fam.
I love my moments alone too! XO
I can relate to most of this post ou just loss me on the three mile run. Im glad you are are at the place where you are happy spending time alone. I pray I will get there one day soon xx
My family and I are going through the exact same thing. Hugs to you, it's not bad. Rich Mullins said, "It's okay to be lonely as long as you are free". Christ has set us free. And when we are lonely, we are never alone. God fills us and never leaves. I too have learned the hard way, by being abandoned by friends and family, that he is all we need.
I would have to say that if it good with you then it's a good thing. I find that the more I have gone through in my life the more I love quiet time with myself.
I did notice that after a while the loneliness was too much. But there were only very few people that I could lean on. Eventually, it made me feel like I could tolerate being alone too.
I am always alone too. I don't really go anywhere, and when I do, it is just with family.
It is quite a place to finally be, isn't it. During the years of new grief, I had a very special friend who walked through those days with me. I was especially frightened to be alone at first. My mom spent a lot of time with me, too. Of course, I prayed and looked to the Lord, but I did lean on those close to me a great deal. Something happened and my friend moved away. I remember learning during that time to be O.K. with just me....that was life-changing and freeing. It turned out to be a gift. I learned to lean more on the Lord, and less on imperfect people. Thanks so much for this post, Trisha!
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