Last night, my daughter and I were innocently watching America's Got Talent. We've watched it many times before and there has never been a problem. The problem with my life is that you never know where the "grief" is lurking. It tends to spring up out of no where. Last night it was hiding in America's Got Talent.
We watched it for almost an hour. It was a fun show. We laughed a lot!!! The last audition on the show was a sweet girl with a heart wrenching background. Before she sang her first word, I was cheering for her. I wanted her to be great. I wanted so badly for her dream to come true.
She started singing. The song was ANGEL by Sarah Mclachlan. I immediately paused my thoughts and took a deep breath. I didn't know if I could listen. ANGEL was the song that we used to make Nathan's video. The video of his precious little 25 days on earth. The video that we showed at his funeral. The minute I heard the first line of that song...spent all your time waiting, for that second chance...I knew that I was in danger. The images of Nathan (both good and bad ones) started racing around in my mind like a level 4 tornado. My heart started pounding and I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't know. I didn't know if I could listen to this song without crashing. As it turns out, I didn't have to make that decision...
About 20 seconds into the song, my 11 year old daughter turned her face toward me. It was covered with huge beads of water that were just pooling from her eyes. She got up from her chair and ran to me. She started sobbing uncontrollably.
I turned off the TV and held her tight. We cuddled for about 10 minutes without saying a word. I enjoyed cuddling with my big 11 year old but I wish that I was doing it for another reason. I wish that it wasn't to comfort her broken heart. I do my best but I don't know how to heal a broken heart. We had yet another conversation about Heaven. I am grateful that my kids know that it's not just a place in a book. Heaven is real for them. It's where their brother lives. I know that they will choose to follow Jesus if for no other reason than to see their brother again.
I was worried that she would be up all night. She doesn't sleep well when she is distressed. Luckily she fell asleep after a while. I didn't. Once again, the grief caught me off guard and pulled me from the path that I want to be on. I need to get used to the fact that my life will always be happy and sad. It will have moments of both. I know for certain that because of the sad, I appreciate the happy even more. But the sad is still hard.
I am so happy that when I wake up tomorrow it will be JULY. My absolute, without question, favorite month of the year!!! Looking forward to the next 31 days!!!
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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14 comments:
We never know when that grief will ooze out do we? Even so many years later, there are moments like that for me. You are right...there will always be moments of happy and sad. Angie Smith calls it the "sacred dance of grief and joy"....I think that sums it up well.
Love and Prayers for you...and a Blessed July!
Trisha...forgot to mention. We are doing a new Walking With You, where we feature a blog of a mother who has had a loss each week. I post who we are featuring on the WWY blog on Mondays and then others can come, read that family's story and offer prayers, love, and encouragement. I am hoping that we can all encourage one another...both those new to loss and those who have walked this path awhile. I would love to have you join us. Please visit: http://sufficientgrace-walkingwithyou.blogspot.com to read more and join in if you feel led.
Love to you,
Kelly
Moments like these.........painful but oh so cleansing. Tears are the very voice of the soul. I'm thankful that your sweet daughter can express herself so completely. You are right, our children have a much clearer view of heaven. It's not just a place it is the place of someone that they love and long to see again. Praying for you and all of us who walk this path together.
Watching our kids grieve is even more heartbreaking than our own grief, isn't it? But walk with them, cry with them, and they will see how to do it, and they won't have to do it alone.
Sorry the waves came crashing last night. Praying they subside today, and during your favorite month!
Wow, that's hard.
Joseph and I were just talking about how random sounds, smells, and even images can throw you right back to a pivotal moment in your life either good or bad. We were talking about this because I went to wash Seth with the same baby shampoo (whole different bottle than we used for Wyatt) and as soon as I squirted the shampoo in my hand the smell made my eyes well up with tears. I sat there holding shampoo in my hand unable to function because my mind had taken me back in time. I've had to buy a completely different smelling baby wash because I just can't handle smelling it.
I mean seriously... who would have thought something so simple and unexpected as shampoo could break your heart out of nowhere?
I'm sorry you are not only having to deal with your grief, but that of your daughters too(and your other children). It just broke my heart when I was reading you post, and then when you got to the part that your daughter came running to you in tears... (sigh)
(((Hugs))) I hope you both are having a better day today :)
It is agonizing to watch our living children grieve. I still don't know how to handle it with grace...just all of the love that I can give at the time and the biggest hug. There is no manual to tell us how to get our children through this nightmare.
You are so right about the grief just "lurking" everywhere. I feel as though a lion is always hiding in the bushes, ready to pounce on me at any moment. There is no way to prepare yourself for it and it usually comes at the worst possible time.
Let's continue to turn it all over to God and pray that it is all for His glory!
Oh my goodness, I can't imagine how hard that must of been for you.
Grief just comes in waves and although we see it we still are not prepared for the aftermath. Your always in my thoughts and prayers.
Can you email me at lisarry99@yahoo.com
I have something that I want to email you.
My heart goes out to you and your daughter. That must have been so difficult for both of you. I will be saying extra prays for you guys!
I meant prayers not prays. :)
I am so thrown off when moments like that happen. It comes from out of nowhere. And to see the little ones grieve deeply is so very heartbreaking. But as a wonderful mother that you are, you are helping them get through this and you will be a strong family in faith and love because of it.
Wow. Yesterday my husband was watching the DVR of that episode and I remember that girl coming on and singing. Although it was not a song we used, it was also one of those moments that made me think about my Audrey in the arms of angels. Or better yet, she's in the arms of Jesus. :) It is unreal how a "normal" day can so quickly be rushed with thoughts of our sweet babies we miss so terribly.
Thanks for being open enough to share that with us. ((((HUGS))))
Michelle
((HUGS)) Enjoy July!
We saw that episode. Whenever I hear that song I can't help but think of all our babies and what we've been through. You def never know when things will come and hit you.
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