identifying

Little Preslee's accident and subsequent death has caused me to experience a myriad of emotions the past few days.  This weekend I found myself thinking about what it was like to plan my sons funeral and vividly remembering what it felt like to come home to that "empty room". 

Last week, I was glued to my computer.  I anxiously awaited updates and prayed that they would be positive.  As the sweet family posted pictures of their ICU experience, I found myself reliving mine.  All of the tubes and machines were so familiar.  I spent a lot of time reflecting back on my time with Nate.  I would stare at the monitors for hours on end just hoping and praying that the numbers would be where they needed to be so that I knew that my sweet baby was healing properly.  I would rub is head and kiss his hands.  I wanted him to know how loved he was.  I would find comfort in emails telling us that hundreds (maybe even thousands) of people were praying for him.  He was completely covered in prayer...I was so hopeful that God would say "yes".

When God said "no" I took it hard.  Very hard.  For a while, I honestly took it as a personal rejection from God.  But God said no to Preslee too.  I don't understand why.  It seems like His name would be even more glorified through the actions of a miracle.  Again...I don't understand.  Just one more conversation that I look forward to having with my creator one day. 

The past 2 years I have worked so hard to fight through the grief.  There were months that I kept myself insanely busy.  I didn't want a moment to spare because I knew that the images and grief would win over me.  There were months that I felt God calling me to BE STILL so I tried to keep my life simple.  Very simple.  I tried to figure out how to be still.  I tried to do nothing.  I wanted so desperately for God to guide me.  I wanted so desperately for God to speak to me. 

This past weekend we took our kids to see The Karate Kid.  During the movie there was one line that resonated with me like no other:


"Being still and doing nothing are NOT the same."


WOW!  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  This was no bible verse and no direct words from God but I just knew that once again, I had been doing it wrong. 


The past couple of months, I have been looking more at "being still" as being content.  Finding Joy where I am while eagerly listening for God's guidance.  We'll see if I can get it right this time. 

Gosh I am a slow learner!!!