not as bad

For the past 3 years, March has been a really rough month.  I expected that to be true once again.  But to my surprise, it hasn't been.  Sure, there are periods of reflection and sadness and my kids are definitely hurting (and acting out because of it) but it's not all consuming this year. 

Today was one of the rougher days.  I was volunteering in my son's class at school when another mom walked in with her little boy that was born just a month before Nate.  I've seen him many times before and to be honest I usually just look away to avoid the pain that might be stirred up inside.  Today was especially hard to ignore as a bunch of the kids in the class ran over to him with excitement.  It's not everyday they have a cute 3 year old in their class and they were thrilled to say hello and give him high-5's.  My heart broke a little for my son who should have been able to proudly show off his little brother to all of his friends but instead sat quietly at his desk.  And my heart broke even more to see a visual confirmation of what my life should be.  A mom running around with her 3 year old son in tow.

But most of the month has gone surprisingly better than expected.  I can partly attribute the ease of this month to the crazy schedule that I have had.  With all 4 kids playing competitive sports pretty much every day of the week, there is very little time to wallow in pity.  In fact, we have been out of town 3 of the last 4 weekends for State Cup soccer playoffs and are packing up to head out one more time (my daughter's team made it to the semi-finals!).  We typically go out of town once or twice a year so packing and unpacking for 6 of us on top of everything else every week is exhausting... but a good distraction.

I am grateful for this.  I am grateful that we are not sitting home on our weekends attempting to fill the void with projects around the house or hopelessly waiting for someone to invite us to do something...anything.  Our soccer weekends have been fun.  I absolutely LOVE cheering for my daughter and proudly watching as she plays a game that she is truly passionate about.  She is learning so many life lessons both on and off the field.  Life lessons that I can't teach her.   And, it's been really fun to hang out with all of the parents at the games and at the hotel. 

My social life is all very superficial.  I won't lie.  I really don't have deep, meaningful relationships at this point in time.  But it's easier to be around people that didn't hurt me.  I have conquered the forgiveness part...I just can't forget.

I am becoming very fond of the "fresh start" philosophy.  I spent so much time trying to fix the hurt and repair the relationships that it was wiping me out.  It's just refreshing to be able to enjoy myself without any baggage.  Especially this month.