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I was inspired to write this post from Debby's post last week on on the same subject. Sometimes I wonder if God is listening. He has been pretty quiet in my life lately. At a time when I have begged Him to be loud. But last Saturday night, He showed me that He's still there.
We were at our regular bible study across the street. Normally, our kids aren't with us. But this was a special night where we all gathered for dinner and a movie. The movie was on the life of Jesus. Nothing like The Passion of the Christ. It was pretty corny and not very well acted but a good visual nonetheless.
As usual, I was uncomfortable watching. The birth of baby Jesus brought memories of Nate's birth to the forefront of my mind. I had to look away. I couldn't stare at that sweet baby's face. I was feeling very vulnerable...and sad. Then, later in the film, Jesus was called to the death bed of a precious little girl. Her parents were sobbing and begging Jesus to save her life. Again, memories of Nate flooded my mind. All of the times that I begged for God to save his life came rushing back again. Not only the memories of me on the floor pleading with God but also the memories of God saying No. I felt so rejected...again.
I looked at my husband who was sitting across the room and mouthed the words "I don't know if I can watch this". As I did, Jesus was approaching the little girls bed from which she took her last breath from only moments before. I knew the story and I couldn't bear to watch him heal her little body and bring her back from the dead. I know that He did that. I'm thrilled that He did that. But, it's just painful for me to watch. So I prepared to step away.
Before I could rise off of the couch, one of my 6 year old twins came running into the room. She had been upstairs watching a Disney movie. I hadn't seen her for over an hour and just when I needed it, she hopped on my lap and cuddled me. She had nothing to say. Nothing to ask for. She was just there. Giving me comfort at a time when I needed it most. I knew at that very moment that God had sent her in there for me. That He knew that I was struggling and that He wanted to help. It felt good. It felt really good.
I hope and pray that God continues to show me his love through tangible ways like last weekend. I know that He's there but I don't always feel Him. It's so much easier to get through the tough stuff when He is holding my hand.
This was some of the best advice that I have ever received. A few months ago, I was discussing my life with someone. Not someone close. Just someone that cared enough to listen.
I went on for some time listing all of the tough situations and circumstances that we have had to contend with over the past 3 years. The list is long. Very long.
I further explained that it felt like Satan had taken hold of my life. That all of this bad stuff was happening because of him. In an effort to dismiss him, I had recently started rebuking him throughout my day. And I was doing this ALL throughout my day...for weeks! What I didn't realize was that I was giving him more attention than I was giving God. Unintentionally of course. But it was true. As hard as I was trying to align my life with God's and to focus on Him, I realized that I was actually doing the opposite.
The person with whom I was speaking, went through a very difficult period of time herself a few years back. She spoke from experience when she told me "it's over when it's over". It took me a few minutes to ingest the words but I eventually realized that she was right. She told me to stop working so hard because there was nothing that I could do to end this trial. This rough period of time. All I can do is to try and find JOY amongst the difficulty. It's not natural for me but even in the worst circumstances, life can be good.
So I began trying to live that way a few months ago. It's true. It works. This trial will be over when God decides that it's over. Until then, I will just live my life and continue to learn all of the lessons that God wants to teach me along the way.
This was the message at church a few weeks ago.
I wrestled with the lesson as the words exited our pastor's mouth. As I sat there, I suddenly became very emotional and the tears began rolling steadily down my cheek. This subject really affects me. I guess I just haven't made peace with it yet.
Is it true? Is there a direct correlation between our efforts going forth and what we receive in return? Is there a sort of pot that we pay into that can be easily accessed when we need to make a withdrawal? Do good things happen to bad people? Why do bad things happen to good people?
These questions are nothing new for me. I used to spend a lot of time asking God why Nathan died and why all of our friends and family abandoned us. Did I plant my seeds in fields that weren't fertile? Was it a punishment? Did I do something wrong?
When questioned about it, our pastor recently told my husband that we didn't sow enough seeds. That we didn't invest wisely and that's why there was nothing to withdrawal. It was shocking. We invested an immense amount of time in both our church and friends for more than a decade. How is that possible? How could we have failed so miserably?
In previous years, I would take a lot of time and energy away from my own family to help people. Some were family and friends. Many were complete strangers. At the time, there was no motivation of any type of payback. I wasn't sowing seeds to reap any type of harvest. I just felt the need to pay it forward. But, when I needed it. When my life fell apart and I didn't have anything to give, my account was empty. I was denied while others were reaping bountiful harvests from their investments.
In the financial world, when someone makes a poor investment they rarely repeat the offense. Does that apply here? Do you keep sowing seeds when there is nothing to harvest? The past couple of years, I have made a deliberate choice to primarily focus on my own family. There have been exceptions. When I see someone in need I just have to help. Even when I try, I can't turn my back on people in need. But I have not been sowing seeds. I have not been investing in relationships like I used to.
This topic is not something that I would have thought much about 3 years ago. I just assumed that people that I spent time with and cared about would be there for me when I needed them. That's how I defined friendship. I didn't know that there was another option. That my REALITY would be different. Now I question these things. I want to live wisely. I want to live the life that God has planned for me. I know that I will make mistakes but I don't want to make the same mistakes.
Life is not so black and white anymore. It also used to have a lot of periods and exclamation marks. These days...my life is full of question marks?
They say that bad things come in 3's.
If that is true...then 2011 is going to be a wonderful year.
Hoping and praying that it's better than the last 3.
Happy New Year!!!
Kyla - "Mommy, I know a secret. It doesn't matter about the presents. The only thing that matters for Christmas is your family."
Kaylee- "And Jesus. Family and Jesus are all you need for Christmas."
I knew that I was lucky. I knew that I had amazing kids. When we were watching a Christmas movie on the couch last night and my 6 year old twins ran over and whispered that in my ears...it was confirmed.
The Christmas season has once again arrived. I was surprised that it kinda snuck up on me this year. I wasn't dreading it like I have the past two years. Rather than trying to survive the month of December, I am choosing to celebrate it. And it's not requiring a lot of effort to do that this year. After years of praying for strength, I feel noticeably stronger and more resilient. A good confirmation that I am healing.
Our grief counselor asked us what our plans were for celebrating Christmas with family this year. The truth is, we don't really have any. Christmas is next week and we have yet to be invited to a family event. It's likely that we will eventually be invited but I doubt that they expect us to come. We would like to make an appearance if it works with our plans. But neither of us want to spend any significant amount of time with family.
Hopefully, if we attend, we will be able to escape criticism for the day. Family always finds a way to attack us or blame us for their failures to help after Nate died. We are pretty much viewed as the bad guys now. Strange that our son died and we are the bad guys, but I completely understand why. We haven't been attending family events for the past 2 1/2 years. When someone is absent or not conforming to "the norm" it's easy to view them as the problem. Weird...but so very true in this situation. There's even a scripture about people who point out the specks in the eyes of others while avoiding the plank that they have in their own.
It used to hurt. A lot. We can laugh about it now. The truth is...they are just as broken as we are. The difference is...we KNOW that we're broken. And, most importantly, I know that God will explain it all to them someday. I don't need to.
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