outside & inside

On the outside:

I am 28 weeks pregnant but have yet to wear a single item of maternity clothes.  I have carefully watched my weight and have continued to exercise regularly so my regular clothes still fit (thanks to "low rise" shorts and jeans).  With my other kids, I was in maternity clothes by 16-20 weeks but this time I just have no desire to wear them.  I contribute part of it to the fact that I don't want to bring attention to the fact that I'm pregnant.   Some people are judgemental about this being our 6th child and the potential of risking another heart defect.  Others claim that they are thrilled for us and don't have any idea that we have apprehension or mixed feelings of joy and fear.  It's just easier to not get the questions and deal with all of the comments.

On the inside:

After Nate died, we desperately wanted to have another baby.  There was a huge void in our hearts and we thought that a baby would help fill that.  We also just needed God to say "yes" to something.  He said "no" to so many of our requests the past few years.  Everything from denying our pleas to save our sons life... to family/friend support with our grief... to numerous health issues in our family.  It was so hard to feel so rejected over such a long period of time.  We were in the middle of a storm and we couldn't see the end to it.

Last Fall, I received some advice that I talked about here.  I was told that there's nothing that I can do to end this storm and it will be over when it's over.  So, I began focusing on "what is" rather than "what I want it to be".  It was life changing.  I became truly content with what I had and where I was in life.  The possibility of another baby seemed extremely unlikely and was frankly an overwhelming thought with our expanding sports schedule craziness.  My kids still asked about it from time to time and  I began telling them "probably not" with a smile on my face instead of with tears in my eyes. 

So we were truly shocked to discover that we were pregnant last Spring.  The thought is even funnier that God decided to give us a Christmas baby when I have always purposely avoided/prevented the possibility of having any of my kids anywhere near the holiday craziness. Ha!  He got me this time! 

We experienced complications during the first trimester and therefore decided to keep the pregnancy quiet.  We travelled up to LA to meet with specialists and had every known screening test and numerous ultrasounds.  Week to week, we didn't know what to expect but all of the tests came out normal and we learned that we were indeed having a healthy baby.  We had to tell the kids in July (too hard to hide Mommy's growing tummy in a bikini) but didn't tell family until August.  

Our kids are absolutely thrilled.  They were literally jumping up and down and talk about the baby constantly.  However, it's sad that they don't remember what it's like to have a normal baby experience.  Here are the questions that they ask all of the time:

Do you think it's a boy or a girl (we don't know)?
Do you think this baby is going to live or die?
If this baby gets sick, can we go back to the first hospital because it was better?
Which Ronald McDonald House are we going to stay at?
Who is going to stay with us while you are at the hospital for all those weeks?

and a repeated one from my son:
If this baby is a girl can we please keep trying until we get another boy?


So now as I begin my last trimester I am hopeful and terrified all at the same time.  I know from experience that just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that you will get to bring home a baby.  I know from all of the other baby loss mama's that a myriad of things can happen and just because I have already buried a child gives me no guarantee.  So I just try not to think about it.  I focus on what is right now and I try not to worry too much about the future.  Today is good and I am rejoicing.

a sneak peak...

...at what we're "expecting" this Christmas.

a decision

Thank you to all of you for your sweet and supportive comments over the past week.  I have been struggling so much with this decision.  Trying to do what's right.  Trying to honor God.

There's so much information that I am not able to share on this blog.  I wish that I could.  But I will say that I believe that we have made the right decision.  My husband and I decided that we will attend the wedding with our kids but we will not be attending the reception.  The moment that this decision was made, I felt a tremendous sense of peace.  The tears and anxiety stopped and I was able to sleep soundly once again.  We waited to communicate this decision to my family.  We wanted to pray about it and allow for an opportunity of circumstances to change.  We did pray but circumstances did not change.

Together, we communicated our decision to my family last night after the rehearsal.  Surprisingly, they took it very well.  There was some frustration but mostly sympathy over anger.  I anticipated the opposite.  We'll see what happens at the actual wedding tomorrow.  It will be a huge relief when it's over. 

anxiety

Before Nate died, I rarely experienced anxiety.  I didn't have a true appreciation for its' ability to affect one's human spirit.  How it robs the joy replacing it with fear and trepidation.  It's not a good thing.  It goes against everything that God wants for our lives.  It allows other peoples comments and opinions to be more powerful than God's voice and God's will.

Fortunately, for the most part, I have been able to grow out of (a term that I use when my children experience a phase of life) this.  What was once a daily occurrence, is now only experienced on rare occasions. 

This past weekend, it has resurfaced.  With a vengeance.

My brother is getting married in a couple of weeks.  We are not close.  We have never been close.  But at 37 he has finally found someone to love and he is committing to spend his life with her and her daughter.  Family weddings can be a great source of celebration but they can also be a tremendous source of conflict.  As issues have come up over the past few months my husband keeps reminding me that people just do "wacky" things when they get married.  They focus on themselves with no acknowledgement of who they step on along the way.  I agree that people are "wacky" but I do believe that they know exactly what they are doing and who they are stepping on in the process.

Over the weekend, "wacky" was taken to an extreme level.  I learned new information.  To say that I was shocked would be an understatement.  Since that time I haven't been sleeping and spent much of the weekend in tears.  I want to be stronger.  I want to be more of the person that God wants me to be.  A person that can rise above what other people think and what other people say.  I should be strong enough to brush that off.  Instead, I have allowed the anxiety to take control.  To resurface and overpower the way that I want to live my life.

Difficult decisions must be made in the next few days.  Do I sacrifice my own well being to respect my mother and brother who knowingly made decisions that would cause me pain?  Or do I protect myself and avoid becoming a spectacle knowing that this choice will never be understood or forgiven?  I can't win.  I can't see a way out.  No matter which way I look at it, it's a lose-lose situation.  Praying that God will make my path clear.

blue sky days

Ahhhh...Summer.

Vacations.

 Adventures.

 Swimming until dark.

Ice Cream.

Tank tops and flip flops.

 Family.

Memories.

I just love that my 6 year old wrote this in the sand and asked to take a picture.

There's nothing better in my opinion. 

I don't want it to EVER end! 

happy summer

I can't believe that Summer is FINALLY here!  The past few months have been filled with challenges (you wouldn't believe it if I told you so I won't even bother) but I am hoping that God will give me a little time off to enjoy what is far and away my favorite time of year!

My kids just got out of school a week ago and I have spent 47 hours this past week at a combination of gymnastics and soccer events - whew!  Needless to say, there hasn't been time for relaxing.  However, I know that there will be many blue sky and flip flop days ahead of me and I can't wait.  I also need to dedicate some time to a few projects that I have wanted to get done around the house for a while.  I keep thinking that I'll have time but I never seem to. 

It seems like I should have a lot of free time on my hands.  My kids are older and more independent - right?  Wrong.  They now have activities and sports that I have to take them to.  I remember another MOPS mom telling me years ago that it gets harder when the kids get older.  I laughed as I thought about the 3 kids I had 2 and under and the 25 diapers a day that I was changing.  But, to my surprise, I think that she was right.  It's a different kind of hard.  But I long for the days of staying home and changing 25 diapers.  These days I am rarely home and it makes it hard to stay on top of everything.

I am really looking forward to spending a lot of time with my kids over the next 2 months.  Most of my favorite things are Summer related and I can't wait to do them all over again.

Happy Summer Everyone!

conversations with my kids

As a mother, I hope that I am leading my children through their grief in a healthy way.  For the most part, my kids talk about Nathan very matter of factly pretty much every single day.  He's a part of our family but he just happens to live in Heaven.

Once in a while, their grief will consume them (as it does me) and they will break down.  It's hard to watch.  It breaks my heart to see their pain and know that I can't fix it.  Sometimes they will come home from school saying that they told one of their friends that their baby brother died and they didn't believe them.  Or, they will cry because someone at school got a new baby brother and they ask why theirs didn't have to go to Heaven too. 

Last week my twins were tasked with making blankets for the sick kids at our local childrens hospital.  It's was for their Daisy Girl Scout troop.  They had a hard time with the idea.  I took out the blanket that someone had given Nathan in the hospital and we talked about how special it was.  It was a good lesson about doing something good for someone else even when it makes your heart hurt.

Speaking of hearts, my 12 year old daughter's science class is dissecting animal hearts in school today.  She came home from the first day of school this year absolutely hysterical because the teacher announced that they would be doing this at the end of the year.  She remembers all of the discussions that we had with the heart surgeons and cardiologists about Nate's heart defect and she is rightfully sensitive.  Luckily, she has an amazing teacher who is allowing her to go to the library today during class and skip the dissection.  Now if I could just keep all of the other kids from talking about it around her.  I know that will be a topic of conversation over the next few days and I can't protect her from that.

I just have to trust that God has a plan for my kids and that He is leading them through these experiences and challenges to grow them.  I know that they will be better because of it.  It's just that sometimes I wish that they could just be normal and only have to deal with normal age appropriate issues.