outside & inside

On the outside:

I am 28 weeks pregnant but have yet to wear a single item of maternity clothes.  I have carefully watched my weight and have continued to exercise regularly so my regular clothes still fit (thanks to "low rise" shorts and jeans).  With my other kids, I was in maternity clothes by 16-20 weeks but this time I just have no desire to wear them.  I contribute part of it to the fact that I don't want to bring attention to the fact that I'm pregnant.   Some people are judgemental about this being our 6th child and the potential of risking another heart defect.  Others claim that they are thrilled for us and don't have any idea that we have apprehension or mixed feelings of joy and fear.  It's just easier to not get the questions and deal with all of the comments.

On the inside:

After Nate died, we desperately wanted to have another baby.  There was a huge void in our hearts and we thought that a baby would help fill that.  We also just needed God to say "yes" to something.  He said "no" to so many of our requests the past few years.  Everything from denying our pleas to save our sons life... to family/friend support with our grief... to numerous health issues in our family.  It was so hard to feel so rejected over such a long period of time.  We were in the middle of a storm and we couldn't see the end to it.

Last Fall, I received some advice that I talked about here.  I was told that there's nothing that I can do to end this storm and it will be over when it's over.  So, I began focusing on "what is" rather than "what I want it to be".  It was life changing.  I became truly content with what I had and where I was in life.  The possibility of another baby seemed extremely unlikely and was frankly an overwhelming thought with our expanding sports schedule craziness.  My kids still asked about it from time to time and  I began telling them "probably not" with a smile on my face instead of with tears in my eyes. 

So we were truly shocked to discover that we were pregnant last Spring.  The thought is even funnier that God decided to give us a Christmas baby when I have always purposely avoided/prevented the possibility of having any of my kids anywhere near the holiday craziness. Ha!  He got me this time! 

We experienced complications during the first trimester and therefore decided to keep the pregnancy quiet.  We travelled up to LA to meet with specialists and had every known screening test and numerous ultrasounds.  Week to week, we didn't know what to expect but all of the tests came out normal and we learned that we were indeed having a healthy baby.  We had to tell the kids in July (too hard to hide Mommy's growing tummy in a bikini) but didn't tell family until August.  

Our kids are absolutely thrilled.  They were literally jumping up and down and talk about the baby constantly.  However, it's sad that they don't remember what it's like to have a normal baby experience.  Here are the questions that they ask all of the time:

Do you think it's a boy or a girl (we don't know)?
Do you think this baby is going to live or die?
If this baby gets sick, can we go back to the first hospital because it was better?
Which Ronald McDonald House are we going to stay at?
Who is going to stay with us while you are at the hospital for all those weeks?

and a repeated one from my son:
If this baby is a girl can we please keep trying until we get another boy?


So now as I begin my last trimester I am hopeful and terrified all at the same time.  I know from experience that just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that you will get to bring home a baby.  I know from all of the other baby loss mama's that a myriad of things can happen and just because I have already buried a child gives me no guarantee.  So I just try not to think about it.  I focus on what is right now and I try not to worry too much about the future.  Today is good and I am rejoicing.