My favorite...

JULY!

Ahhh, we finally made it to my favorite month of the year.  The 4th was super fun -- just wish that the day never had to end.  

And the rest of the month has lots more fun stuff planned:  County Fair, Vacation, more beach days afternoons, more pool days afternoons (Brady is almost swimming), and hopefully a relaxing day or two somewhere this month (crossing my fingers).

Life has continued to throw us some curve balls lately.  I don't know if it's getting older or the difficulties that I've had to face but I can see how my perspective has changed.  This type of stuff used to send me spinning....not in a good way.  I was angry, frustrated, defeated.  Now...for the most part...I can tell myself that God just has a different plan for our life.  I can look back now at the situations that had me spinning and see the path that God had laid out.  I'm know that He won't leave us now.  I know that He is working on something.  I'm really looking forward to seeing what He does.  Looking back a few years from now and seeing that clear path that is a blur right now.

Faith.

I can see mine being restored...

Summer Vacation...

two of the BEST words in the English language!!!

My twins running to my car just after the final bell.

 PURE JOY!!!

We just finished our first week of vacation.
Not relaxing...at ALL!  But...

 so glad that school is off of the schedule and we managed to squeeze in a couple of beach/pool afternoons (along with a soccer tournament and wedding anniversary).  

I have SO many things that need to get done this Summer and it's only 9 weeks this year(shortest vacation ever).  I need to be very deliberate so that my list gets checked off AND most importantly...we have some fun!

Happy early 4th of July - MY FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR!!!!

Summer, where are you?

Believe it or not...my kids are STILL in school!  In fact, they have 2 more days (whoever scheduled school to end on a Tuesday has lost their mind!)!!!!  Last year they were done on June 11th...

Oh how I wish that it were Summer already.  

I am so done with the chaos of school and homework.
My kids are done with the chaos of school and homework.

Can't it be Summer already?  We have got to be the only ones in the entire country that are still in school!

Summer isn't what it once was...lazy mornings, afternoons at the pool and dinner picnics at the park.  Now it ALL revolves around sports.  Sports that start at 7:30AM!!!!  And end at 8:30PM!!!!  With a few useless hours in between.  How am I supposed to get packed up and go to the beach with a window of 1pm-4pm? 

I wish all my kids coaches could coordinate the same schedules so I could have more of a Summer.  Wishful thinking...not going to happen.

Someday, I will be laying on the beach...alone...all my kids will be grown.  I will wish that the crazy Summer of 2014 was back again.  I know this is true.  So I will gladly give up my lazy mornings and relaxing days at the beach.  Instead, I will embrace the craziness of life driving kids to and from sports so they can do what they LOVE and be who they want to be.  At least there won't be any homework (except for my oldest - insert tears here).

So grateful for good health.  We had a few glitches this year but as of now...everyone is in good health.  And...I am so grateful.  Even if the engine failed on my 10 year old Suburban last week and we had to ditch it.  How long do you think a family of 7 with 4 kids in competitive sports can get by with 1 car?   So far...8 days (eight very long days...).  I'll get back to you on that one!

Summer is almost here!!!

for some very special mama's

I thought long and hard about this post.  I struggled internally.  I teach my kids that it's not a good deed if you get credit for doing it.  You see, I do not want this post to be seen as boasting...especially by God.  What I seek it to someday stand before God, with Nate by my side and to hear Him say "Good job faithful servant".  That is what I seek.

But...God has also put it on my heart to share this post because to many, Mother's Day is about brunch and flowers and gifts.  It KNOW it used to be for me.  Maybe this post will spark someone else to do something similar...something better.

What I hope that this post will do is remind some of you that Mother's Day is not only about celebrating ourselves and our Moms.  But it's about acknowledging those moms whose children may no longer live on Earth and encouraging those moms who are in a battle to save their children's lives.  Hallmark doesn't make cards for those moms (at least that I have ever seen).  Many are forgotten.  Looked over.  Invisible.  It's more fun to focus on the brunch and the flowers and the gifts.

Today, 21 very special mommies will receive this little gift bag.

They aren't the mommies that I wanted to give them to.  I wanted the bags to go to Children's Hospital Los Angeles.  At the last minute, the family that was going to deliver them for me had a change of plans (their daughter's cancer appointment was moved back a week).  God clearly closed that door and opened another one.  My pediatricians colleague was going to Children's Hospital Orange County this weekend (the hospital that made a mistake...leading to Nate's death).  This is not my favorite place.  I have a hard time thinking about donating anything to this hospital.  But, it was clear that this was where the gift bags were supposed to go.  So...off they went.

With the help of a donation from Trader Joe's (love that place), I was able to make 15 gift bags.  I must also thank a very special person (S.M.) for buying the goodies to make 6 more.  It's 4 less than last year.  Not the direction that I was hoping for.  But God knows which 21 moms need a little extra love today.  I need to remind myself...it's not about the numbers.

Special hugs to all you mommies out there.  Whether your child lives on Earth or in Heaven I hope that today is blessed. XOXOXO


PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ON THIS POST. 

in process

I made a choice to overcome the barriers preventing me from doing what my heart was telling me to do.  There are some very special mamas out there that need a tangible gift of love this Mother's Day.

Only one problem...the sweet family that is currently fighting to save their own daughter's life was planning on taking them up to Children's Hospital LA for me...TODAY.  Unfortunately, their appointment was moved to next week so I need to find another way to get them up to the hospital (65 miles north of here).

Will you please pray with me?  I know that God will find a way to get them to the mama's who need them.  But I also know that He likes it when we pray.


XOXO

feelin' like a big huge failure...

Last year I was able to make these awesome Mother's Day gift bags for some of the sweet mama's that were fighting for their kids' lives in the hospital.

I commited to doing it every year.

Well, Mother's Day is just around the corner and I have yet to start.  I had great intentions.  I still have great intentions.  Life just got in the way...

Repiping our entire house
Repainting much of our house after having holes cut in our walls for the above
Replacing a washer & dryer
Replacing a dishwasher
Completely insane sports schedules for 4 of my kids (you have NO idea)
A two year old that I cannot put in a jumperaroo while I get stuff done


So, today I sit here feeling like a huge failure.  

HUGE!  
My excuse...finances are tighter than ever and time is beyond maxed out.

BUT - there are sweet mama's that deserve a nice Mother's Day gift.  I need to rally.  

So...here I am.  Coming to my blog for motivation and encouragement.  I know that I can do something.  Maybe not as much as I was able to do last year.  But something nonetheless.

So, I was thinking...if anyone out there wants to make their own goodie bags and deliver them to your local children's hospital....I can print the tags and mail them to you.  Any takers?

If not, I would appreciate a "you can do it" comment.  

Sometimes...a girl just needs a little push.

horray for April

Every year I think that it will be easier...it isn't.  

I was told that the memories would fade...they haven't - at all!

March is tough.  Plain and simple.  

TOUGH!!!

Today I feel a sense of relief.  The images that replayed in my mind all month long have ceased.  The cloud that has hung over my head has blown away.  The constant battle to appreciate what I have rather than miss what I don't isn't in the forefront of my mind.  April is just easier.  Actually, that applies to every month with the exception of March.  March is just tough and I need to expect that it always will be.

In the first two years after Nate died, God kept putting Philippians 4 in front of me.  At first I was completely appalled - offended to say it mildly.  How in the world could he expect me to REJOICE when he allowed my sweet little boy to die...and in a horrific and tragic way at that.  But part of my grieving process involved me figuring this out. 

Last week, this verse popped up again in my bible study.  It's been a while since I've read it.  It definitely means something different to me now.  I can see how I have been transformed.  How I view life, myself...and God differently now.

Philippians 4
 ⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


I'm not going to allow myself to live in the a pit of grief and despair all year long.  I have been given a good life.  I have many blessings to be thankful for.  But I think it's okay that March is tough every year.  Along with the sadness comes memories of my sweet Nate Ryan.  He is always in my thoughts but during March...he is at the forefront.  I'm no grief expert but I think that's okay.  I think that's reasonable.  Many others may not.  But once you have walked my path and carried my grief, then...and only then will I consider your advice (I gained confidence from my last post).

Hugs to those of you who prayed for us, left comments or lifted us up in any way.  This is the only place that I put myself out there.  That I allow myself to be vulnerable.  That I express my feelings.  I'm grateful to have this venue (even though it's public and I can't prevent some people from reading it).

Happy April...no foolin'.