When life gives you lemons...

MAKE LEMONADE!!!

My kids actually planned this lemonade stand/bake sale yesterday before I knew that today was going to be a lemon. I thought that the timing was perfect!

Reconnecting

I didn't know what to do when people walked away from us after Nathan died. I was numb. I was weak. I didn't understand why. I thought that it was because I was an awful person. Because I didn't deserve to have friends. Because no one cared that my son died.

I later realized that these feelings were not from God. God did not make everyone leave. He did not abandon me. He was there the entire time though it was sometimes hard to see. He gave me the book of Job in the bible. That spoke to me like nothing else. It showed me that I was not a horrible person that deserved this. Even Jobs friends condemned him and walked away emotionally. It happened back then and it happens today. People fail.

So I was able to move on. It took a lot of strength to overcome such immense rejection. It took a lot of time but I made new friends. Some were complete strangers a year ago and some were just acquaintances. I finally feel like I am being supported and cared for. I finally feel loved.

I have always wondered what I would say if those old friends tried to reconnect. What would I do if I saw them? Would I tell them "it's okay, don't worry about it"? Would I ask them "why haven't I heard from you in a year" or "why didn't you come to my son's funeral"? Would I break down and cry? Would I run away and hide?

It was this fear of reconnecting that paralyzed me the first year. I was scared to go to church. I was scared to attend family events. I was scared to go anywhere in our little community. I was scared to step out of my house because I might have to interact with someone that let me down in such an enormous way. I did go out but I had major anxiety every single time.

I don't have the same anxiety anymore. It occasionally comes but it's nothing like before. For the most part, I can leave my house and live my life without fear. But, "it's" starting to happen. People are starting to try and reconnect. Perhaps it's because they think I'm better now. Perhaps it's because they feel guilty. Perhaps it's because they miss me.

I don't know why but I do know that I'm the one that is put in the uncomfortable position of responding. I do have the power of deciding if or when I want to reconnect. But with that power comes a lot of anxiety. Do I really want to let a 20 year friendship go? But then, what type of friendship is it if they don't even come to my son's funeral? If I do let it go, should I tell her why? If I let her back in should I tell her how much she hurt me?

For the most part, I've decided to let most of my old relationships go. I recently heard a friend talking about something that she read. It was about how God gives us friends for the seasons in our lives. Because the seasons change, sometimes the friends do too. I think that is what happened to me. My season changed. My life is different. I am different. It only makes sense that my friendships would be too.

Family is a different story...still working on that one.

Vacation photos

Here's a few more photos from our vacation. I took a whopping 456 in only 5 days! Some of them were for our Christmas cards so I'll save those for later -- they turned out beautiful!

Vacation

It's been 2 years since we've taken a real family vacation. Two summers ago, we found out that we were pregnant with Nathan while we were in Hawaii. We spent the week in shock that we were going to have 5 kids. Little did we know... that week in Hawaii would be the last time we were really happy for a long time. It was during our Hawaiian vacation that Nate's heart was forming inside me. We'll never know in this lifetime why it formed incorrectly. He was knitted together in my womb. We'll never understand why God allowed this to happen to our son. Because of that...our life, is forever changed. Our family, is forever changed.

Last year, we were too wiped out to do a vacation. It was suggested by our counselor that we take one. But we just couldn't pull it together. We ended up spending 2 nights at the Disneyland Resort (25 minutes away). We wanted to give our kids a good memory for that year. But we just walked around, dazed and confused. It was exhausting. It wasn't fun. There were baby boys everywhere -- all I could think of was Nathan was supposed to be with us. I was happy when it was over. Survival was our sole focus.

This year was different. We didn't have the budget to do a big vacation but I really wanted to go somewhere that felt like we were a million miles away. Thanks to a wonderful friend who hooked us up with an amazing deal, we drove one hour south to Coronado Island. I can't even begin to say enough good things about it. It was incredible. I don't know if I'll ever go back to Hawaii. This felt just like it and there was no airfare required.

The past 16 months I have always felt like Nate was missing from our family. I felt incomplete. I felt like my heart was completely broken and would never mend. I was trying hard but couldn't ever imagine really being happy again. Happy with my life. Happy even though my son died. I have had moments of happiness but they were fleeting. Deep down my life was just sad. I was sad. But this week...I was happy. For the most part, I was really happy. I was content that I had four kids here with me. I was okay that Nate wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I would do anything to have him here. I miss him terribly and think of him a thousand times a day. But I am accepting that he isn't ever going to be. I am learning to enjoy my new normal that everyone talks about. I didn't think that it would ever happen but I am becoming happy again.

Forgiving but not Forgetting

Forgiveness is something that I have really struggled with. Almost all of our friends and family completely deserted us at the worst time in our lives. At the time that we needed people the most. We were drowning out in the middle of the ocean and they didn't even throw us a life raft. They just let us go under. That is unforgivable. Truly unforgivable. But I've learned that forgiveness is not for them. It has nothing to do with making them feel better. Because honestly, that's the last thing that I want to do: make them feel better.

Forgiveness is for us. It allows us to let go of that tumultuous feeling in our stomach that makes it feel like we are being stabbed just at the mention of their name or the site of their face. Forgiveness makes us feel better and allows us to go on and move forward. People that aren't able to forgive are the ones that are full of bitterness and harbor resentment. I don't want to be that type of person. I refuse to be.

I started working on forgiveness almost a year ago. I realized that most of the people that I was allowing my stomach to churn over didn't have any idea what they did to me. They certainly weren't upset by any of it and weren't up in the middle of the night thinking about how much they hurt me. Perhaps they had a little guilt here and there but no real regret. I was the one that was suffering. And suffering I was. So, with the encouragement of my pastor, I began praying hard. Praying that God would take this burden. That He would deal with them so that I wouldn't have to.

One of the first people that I worked on forgiving were some friends that we used to be very close with. She was there for me the first week and then we didn't hear from them for months. Many months. I didn't know how they could do that to us. I wanted to tell her how much it hurt. I wanted her to know how much pain she caused me. But that really didn't matter. I prayed that God would take the anger and frustration away. It took A LOT of praying but I did feel it lift. A few days later, we received an email from them with an apology. Evidently, they had read an email that I had sent to someone else explaining how we were all alone and all of our friends had physically walked away. How great was that? I gave it to God and He handled it. He let them know how they hurt us and I didn't have to. It really gave me a lot more confidence in furthering my forgiveness attempts.

As I worked to move forward, I started looking at a lot of my friends with pity. Instead of being angry with them, I felt sorry for them. Sorry that they weren't able to be the type of friend that I wanted to be. Sorry that to me, their lives seemed so superficial. They were so busy chasing their tales around, that they didn't even notice that I was drowning. Or they were too busy to care. Nothing that I could ever say would change who they are.

I was grateful that I wasn't that type of person. In the past I had always tried to run to someone that was hurting. But, especially now. This experience has changed me. So, I'm happy to say that I have forgiven all of them. I honestly don't feel that angst in my stomach anymore when I think of them. But, I will not ever forget how they treated me. I will not forget that they walked away when I needed them. I can't imagine ever being close friends again, but you never know. With God, all things are possible.

Family has been harder. With friends, I could forgive and move on to new friends. I don't need to interact with them anymore. But family is different. Family will always be family. We haven't even seen most of our extended family since the funeral. They all live within 30 minutes of us but there have been very, very few attempts to get together. We needed them to "be" with us on a weekly (and sometimes daily) basis. I can count the number of attempts to reach out on two hands. That was just not enough. Not even close.

It's also harder to forgive them because unlike most of our friends, we told them directly how much we needed them. We asked them in person to come over and spend time with us. We told them how much their absence hurt us. Each time, they would apologize but nothing changed.

Currently, I have absolutely no desire to ever see them again. I know that this is completely unreasonable and I need to figure out a way to get along. This is such a work in progress and I'm admittedly not there yet. However, I do see myself moving along in a positive way. This week we received an email from a family member. They expressed a desire for us to be closer and they weren't satisfied with our current relationship. They asked us if they had done something wrong or failed to do something. I couldn't believe it. They didn't even have a clue how they hurt us so badly. How is that possible?

If I would have received this email a few months back, I would have broken down in hysterics at the mere thought that they didn't even know what they did (or didn't do). This is how I can measure my progress. When I received it last week, I thought "crap", I don't want to deal with this right now. Instead of it hurting me and sending me down into the abyss, it was a nuisance. Just a nuisance. I have absolutely no desire to have any more "discussions" with them. We've been down that road and nothing has changed. I've finally moved forward. I believe that God sent me this email to show me just how much progress I've made. I am no longer living in the past and letting the past define who I am. I am in control (well, as much as God allows me to be) of who I am and where I'm going. I'm still going toward the blue sky. I have absolutely no desire to turn around and go back into the middle of the ocean. That is not who I am anymore.

All that being said, my walls are up. They are up high. Probably too high. I will not ever forget how people treated us. I doubt that I will ever really trust any of them again. If there comes a time that someone re-engages, offers an apology...a real apology... and requests to get together, I will consider it. If it's a good day and I have nothing else going on, I might accept. If it's a bad day, I will feel no guilt in declining. I will also work toward a better relationship with family. I want to re-adjust my expectations to be so that I can see them on Holidays and special events, have interesting (but not deep) conversations and walk away without any angst. I'm not there yet...but I'm trying.

Another first

Most of our "firsts" occurred during the first year after Nate died. Some were hard, some were unbearable, some weren't too bad. There are still a few firsts that I haven't tackled yet. I still haven't been to a funeral. I still haven't held a newborn baby (or any baby for that matter). Until 2 hours ago, I still hadn't stepped foot into a hospital.

This morning was rough. My husband and two of my kids have had strep throat the past 2 days. Everything is always more complicated when 1/2 of your family is sick. But my 10 year old had to be at her soccer game at 7am. I rose at 6am and got all 4 kids dressed, fed and in the car by 6:45. It's always a lot of work but I've done it many times before. My husband still wasn't feeling well and decided to stay home. We arrived to the game and my 3 little ones were playing around while my daughters team warmed up.

They were playing on a rock. My motherly instinct told them not to feeling that it was dangerous. But my little Kyla did not listen. A moment later, she fell and split her chin open on the rock. When I looked at it and realized it needed stitches, I immediately felt as if I was going to faint. How could I walk inside a hospital again? How could I watch my poor baby be stitched up again? The last images that I have from the hospital were like an episode of ER where a dozen doctors and nurses were rushing around trying to bring Nate back to life after he went code blue. We watched them cut him open and perform emergency surgery right in front of us. It was horrific. The thought of dealing with another medical issue was just overwhelming.

I sat on the soccer field and tears started rolling down my face. Only a couple of the family's knew what happened to Nate last year. It's a new team so the rest of the team was unaware. I had to hold it together because my other kids were starting to freak out a little. I kept reassuring them that it would be okay. They hate hospitals too.

I called my husband and thank goodness, he rallied. He met me at the field and took Kyla to the E.R. I didn't want to leave my 10 year old at her game alone and she would have been a mess if we did. So I sat and watched her game. I don't remember much of it. Images of Nate's hospital experience kept replaying through my mind. All the tubes. All the instruments. All the doctors and nurses. As I sat there I kept wondering if Kyla was okay. Wondering if she was crying. Wondering if she was scared. My husband called with a couple of updates. He said that she wouldn't be able to swim for 10 days. We're supposed to go on our long awaited vacation this week. We're spending the week at a beach resort. How miserable is she going to be if she can't swim. We haven't taken a real vacation for 2 years. We were so looking forward to it. Why did this have to mess it up. Plus, this is the weekend that I'm TTC. Now, my husband has strep throat, my daughter has stitches and I'm a wreck. Nice.

By the time that her game was over, Kyla was getting stitched up. I quickly loaded my kids into the car and drove straight to the hospital. I didn't want to take one step inside but I did. The need to hold my daughter and be assured that she was okay superseded my fears. So without pause, I walked in. It was a different hospital than Nate was in but in my opinion, all hospitals look the same. I found my sweet girl just as she was ready to go. I hugged her. I kissed her. This time we walked out of the hospital with all of the kids that we walked in with. That is huge!!!

I had wondered when I would step foot into another hospital. I had hoped that it would be to give birth again but that was not to be. It was today. It's over. I survived. Yet one more first crossed off my list.

Patience

I'm fighting like never before to live as a follower of Jesus. I'm trying hard to DO what is right. Last week, I took a big step. I opened up my heart and shared about my desire to have another child. I felt that hiding my hope to have another child was not what God would want. Children are a blessing. God loves children. He loves to bless our lives with them. He would not want me to hide this or feel shameful about it. Regardless of what people say about us trying to replace Nate, risking another birth defect, having too many children already or being too old. We want another child. So, I needed to stop trying to control the situation and ask for help. I needed to release it. In doing so, I received nothing but kind-hearted and supportive comments. Thank you so much. I took it as a confirmation that I did the right thing.

Another confirmation came as we left church on Sunday. My children rarely talk about the lessons learned in Sunday school. I think that they are too distracted by the craft and the snacks. But this week they did. This week, they told me that they learned a lesson on patience.

I do not believe this to be a coincidence. I believe this to be from God. As we were getting situated in the car with seat belts and car seats, they began to tell me the story that they learned about Hannah. They told me how God had taught her patience by making her wait for the child that she had so desperately wanted. That God had loved her dearly and thought that she was special. He made her wait to help teach her about Him and about how He will fulfill our hearts desires in time...His time. Okay, they didn't use those exact words, but those were the words that I heard God telling me.

I was so happy to feel that God was with me on this. I felt that I was going in the right direction. I desperately needed that confirmation. Today, I spent some time looking back in 1 Samuel and reading about Hannah. It has been several years since I have read her story. When I did, this verse jumped out at me:

And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 1 Samuel 1:6

I must tell you that ever since I posted my last blog, I have felt attacked. I have been angry and frustrated at every little thing and have not been filled with love or joy. Now that I have read this verse, I know what is happening. I recognize that I am being attacked spiritually. I know that this is because I am on the right track and I will not allow evil to be a part of it. I will fix my eyes back on God and focus on what is good. Only He knows if we will be blessed with another child. And I trust Him. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the husband and children that I have and not allow anyone to destroy that.