It's been 2 years since we've taken a real family vacation. Two summers ago, we found out that we were pregnant with Nathan while we were in Hawaii. We spent the week in shock that we were going to have 5 kids. Little did we know... that week in Hawaii would be the last time we were really happy for a long time. It was during our Hawaiian vacation that Nate's heart was forming inside me. We'll never know in this lifetime why it formed incorrectly. He was knitted together in my womb. We'll never understand why God allowed this to happen to our son. Because of that...our life, is forever changed. Our family, is forever changed. Last year, we were too wiped out to do a vacation. It was suggested by our counselor that we take one. But we just couldn't pull it together. We ended up spending 2 nights at the Disneyland Resort (25 minutes away). We wanted to give our kids a good memory for that year. But we just walked around, dazed and confused. It was exhausting. It wasn't fun. There were baby boys everywhere -- all I could think of was Nathan was supposed to be with us. I was happy when it was over. Survival was our sole focus.
This year was different. We didn't have the budget to do a big vacation but I really wanted to go somewhere that felt like we were a million miles away. Thanks to a wonderful friend who hooked us up with an amazing deal, we drove one hour south to Coronado Island. I can't even begin to say enough good things about it. It was incredible. I don't know if I'll ever go back to Hawaii. This felt just like it and there was no airfare required.
The past 16 months I have always felt like Nate was missing from our family. I felt incomplete. I felt like my heart was completely broken and would never mend. I was trying hard but couldn't ever imagine really being happy again. Happy with my life. Happy even though my son died. I have had moments of happiness but they were fleeting. Deep down my life was just sad. I was sad. But this week...I was happy. For the most part, I was really happy. I was content that I had four kids here with me. I was okay that Nate wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I would do anything to have him here. I miss him terribly and think of him a thousand times a day. But I am accepting that he isn't ever going to be. I am learning to enjoy my new normal that everyone talks about. I didn't think that it would ever happen but I am becoming happy again.
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6 comments:
Hey you were in Coronado? I used to work at the Marie Callendar's in Coronado. hehe Small world huh? I lived in Southern California for about 3 years....grew up in the SF Bay Area, but now live here in New Jersey.
Trisha...It's good to hear that you and your family were able to enjoy your vacation. You had mentioned that you also live in CA, but I wasn't sure where. I live on the Central Coast in Santa Maria. We had the chance to visit Coronado about four or five years ago. I loved it so much! It's just beautiful there! My hubby and I got to get away for a night this weekend and we went to Monterey/Carmel. It is really nice there. Have you been there before?
We had a big family trip to Hawaii just days after we got Carleigh's diagnosis. It was a great vacation. I love Hawaii and now you have me interested in this Coronado place. I'm so glad that you were able to experience happy. I know you'd rather have him with you but eventually you learn how to function in the new normal.
That's so great that you were able to have a wonderful time away! I LOVE Coronado but we haven't been in ages. Maybe we could all head down together next summer. I'm so glad that it was such a good trip for you.
Thank you for your posts - they have made me so much more aware of what is really going on around me. I realize now that I have missed many opportunities to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I am reminded of the story of the Velveteen Rabbit when he learns about becoming "real."
I started reading blogs when someone asked everyone to pray for Cora McClenahan-and then Jesus took her home to be with him. It was amazing seeing all the support friends, family and their church people were giving them. I could just see the Lord working and it made me realize how much I needed to support people through tragedy and keep checking on them. I then saw that you made a comment and their website and was saddened that your friends and family would not help you when you needed it the most. I had a friend whose husband died and she said I was the only one that would use his name and talk about him after he was gone. That made me realize also that we need to connect with people and realize they are hurting and need us to talk about their loved one. Thanks for being so honest and reminding me how important it is to help comfort and be with friends and family when tragedy comes. They may need us everyday-face to face! I pray that God will comfort you all and help you as you make decisions about those people who are trying to come back in your life. I am so sorry about your precious little boy also-he was beautiful. I am glad you were having a good vacation and happy again-but I know you will always miss that precious little one. God Bless you and I will keep you in my prayers.
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