Reconnecting

I didn't know what to do when people walked away from us after Nathan died. I was numb. I was weak. I didn't understand why. I thought that it was because I was an awful person. Because I didn't deserve to have friends. Because no one cared that my son died.

I later realized that these feelings were not from God. God did not make everyone leave. He did not abandon me. He was there the entire time though it was sometimes hard to see. He gave me the book of Job in the bible. That spoke to me like nothing else. It showed me that I was not a horrible person that deserved this. Even Jobs friends condemned him and walked away emotionally. It happened back then and it happens today. People fail.

So I was able to move on. It took a lot of strength to overcome such immense rejection. It took a lot of time but I made new friends. Some were complete strangers a year ago and some were just acquaintances. I finally feel like I am being supported and cared for. I finally feel loved.

I have always wondered what I would say if those old friends tried to reconnect. What would I do if I saw them? Would I tell them "it's okay, don't worry about it"? Would I ask them "why haven't I heard from you in a year" or "why didn't you come to my son's funeral"? Would I break down and cry? Would I run away and hide?

It was this fear of reconnecting that paralyzed me the first year. I was scared to go to church. I was scared to attend family events. I was scared to go anywhere in our little community. I was scared to step out of my house because I might have to interact with someone that let me down in such an enormous way. I did go out but I had major anxiety every single time.

I don't have the same anxiety anymore. It occasionally comes but it's nothing like before. For the most part, I can leave my house and live my life without fear. But, "it's" starting to happen. People are starting to try and reconnect. Perhaps it's because they think I'm better now. Perhaps it's because they feel guilty. Perhaps it's because they miss me.

I don't know why but I do know that I'm the one that is put in the uncomfortable position of responding. I do have the power of deciding if or when I want to reconnect. But with that power comes a lot of anxiety. Do I really want to let a 20 year friendship go? But then, what type of friendship is it if they don't even come to my son's funeral? If I do let it go, should I tell her why? If I let her back in should I tell her how much she hurt me?

For the most part, I've decided to let most of my old relationships go. I recently heard a friend talking about something that she read. It was about how God gives us friends for the seasons in our lives. Because the seasons change, sometimes the friends do too. I think that is what happened to me. My season changed. My life is different. I am different. It only makes sense that my friendships would be too.

Family is a different story...still working on that one.