Patience

I'm fighting like never before to live as a follower of Jesus. I'm trying hard to DO what is right. Last week, I took a big step. I opened up my heart and shared about my desire to have another child. I felt that hiding my hope to have another child was not what God would want. Children are a blessing. God loves children. He loves to bless our lives with them. He would not want me to hide this or feel shameful about it. Regardless of what people say about us trying to replace Nate, risking another birth defect, having too many children already or being too old. We want another child. So, I needed to stop trying to control the situation and ask for help. I needed to release it. In doing so, I received nothing but kind-hearted and supportive comments. Thank you so much. I took it as a confirmation that I did the right thing.

Another confirmation came as we left church on Sunday. My children rarely talk about the lessons learned in Sunday school. I think that they are too distracted by the craft and the snacks. But this week they did. This week, they told me that they learned a lesson on patience.

I do not believe this to be a coincidence. I believe this to be from God. As we were getting situated in the car with seat belts and car seats, they began to tell me the story that they learned about Hannah. They told me how God had taught her patience by making her wait for the child that she had so desperately wanted. That God had loved her dearly and thought that she was special. He made her wait to help teach her about Him and about how He will fulfill our hearts desires in time...His time. Okay, they didn't use those exact words, but those were the words that I heard God telling me.

I was so happy to feel that God was with me on this. I felt that I was going in the right direction. I desperately needed that confirmation. Today, I spent some time looking back in 1 Samuel and reading about Hannah. It has been several years since I have read her story. When I did, this verse jumped out at me:

And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 1 Samuel 1:6

I must tell you that ever since I posted my last blog, I have felt attacked. I have been angry and frustrated at every little thing and have not been filled with love or joy. Now that I have read this verse, I know what is happening. I recognize that I am being attacked spiritually. I know that this is because I am on the right track and I will not allow evil to be a part of it. I will fix my eyes back on God and focus on what is good. Only He knows if we will be blessed with another child. And I trust Him. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the husband and children that I have and not allow anyone to destroy that.