again

Last night, my daughter and I were innocently watching America's Got Talent.  We've watched it many times before and there has never been a problem.  The problem with my life is that you never know where the "grief" is lurking.  It tends to spring up out of no where.  Last night it was hiding in America's Got Talent.

We watched it for almost an hour.  It was a fun show.  We laughed a lot!!!  The last audition on the show was a sweet girl with a heart wrenching background.  Before she sang her first word, I was cheering for her.  I wanted her to be great.  I wanted so badly for her dream to come true.

She started singing.  The song was ANGEL by Sarah Mclachlan.  I immediately paused my thoughts and took a deep breath.  I didn't know if I could listen.  ANGEL was the song that we used to make Nathan's video.  The video of his precious little 25 days on earth.  The video that we showed at his funeral.  The minute I heard the first line of that song...spent all your time waiting, for that second chance...I knew that I was in danger.  The images of Nathan (both good and bad ones) started racing around in my mind like a level 4 tornado.  My heart started pounding and I felt sick to my stomach.  I didn't know.  I didn't know if I could listen to this song without crashing.  As it turns out, I didn't have to make that decision...

About 20 seconds into the song, my 11 year old daughter turned her face toward me.  It was covered with huge beads of water that were just pooling from her eyes.  She got up from her chair and ran to me.  She started sobbing uncontrollably.

I turned off the TV and held her tight.  We cuddled for about 10 minutes without saying a word.  I enjoyed cuddling with my big 11 year old but I wish that I was doing it for another reason.  I wish that it wasn't to comfort her broken heart.  I do my best but I don't know how to heal a broken heart.  We had yet another conversation about Heaven.  I am grateful that my kids know that it's not just a place in a book.  Heaven is real for them.  It's where their brother lives.  I know that they will choose to follow Jesus if for no other reason than to see their brother again.   

I was worried that she would be up all night.  She doesn't sleep well when she is distressed.  Luckily she fell asleep after a while.  I didn't.  Once again, the grief caught me off guard and pulled me from the path that I want to be on.  I need to get used to the fact that my life will always be happy and sad.  It will have moments of both.  I know for certain that because of the sad, I appreciate the happy even more.  But the sad is still hard.

I am so happy that when I wake up tomorrow it will be JULY.  My absolute, without question, favorite month of the year!!!  Looking forward to the next 31 days!!!

3-2-1 weekend

                                               

THREE soccer games

                     TWO basketball games

                                                   ONE dance recital


Crazy, busy weekends like this remind me how much I LOVE being a mommy and watching my kids fulfill their dreams.  I wish that I was toting a toddler around to all of these events but I do recognize how lucky I am to have the life that I have.

a winner!!!

Tomorrow is the last day of school for my kids.  We are going to be super busy with all of their sports but at least there will be no homework!  I am so happy that Summer is here.  I just wish that they didn't have to grow up for that to happen.  My twins are starting kindergarten in the Fall.  I can't believe that I won't have any little ones at home any more.  Sad.  So sad.

Now on to happy things.  Thank you to everyone who entered my giveaway.  I love all of you and your sweet comments are always special to me.  I wish that you all could win.  I really do.  I had to go to random number.org to pick because I didn't want that responsibility for myself.  Here are the results:



True Random Number Generator


Min: 1

Max: 20

Result:

1
 
Congratulations to Debby at Just Breathe and For Your Tears!!!  

Blogiversary GIVEAWAY

One year ago today, I started my blog and put my DROWNING post out into cyberspace.  I had zero followers and no idea what to expect.  Since that time I have had more than 18,000 visits and I currently have 99 followers!!!  That's a small number in comparison to most of you but pretty amazing to me.  I am still shocked that people care to read about my thoughts and experiences AND keep coming back for more.  I am so grateful that I found this blog community.  I have been supported by more people online then I have in my real life.  It feels so good to be understood.  It feels so freeing to not have to pretend.  It feels so healing to be able to walk this path with other moms.

Over this past year, I have had a few people suggest that I write a book.  That seemed like an overwhelming project to me and I couldn't even grasp it.  But then, a few weeks back, I printed out my blog for a friend and I realized that I kinda already have.  I have written 120 posts and most of them are pretty lengthy!  Not that this blog qualifies as a book but I have written the same amount that I would need to for a book.  That is such a crazy thought for me, I have written a book (well, kinda...you know what I mean)!

To celebrate this anniversary I am hosting a giveaway. 

I am going to be giving away a personalized set of 20 note cards (your name doesn't have to be Michelle to enter).  I hope that you all like them.  I chose this design because it feels like Summer...and by now you all know how much I LOVE SUMMER!!!

All you have to do to enter is leave me a comment.  You can tell me what about your favorite Summertime activity, a favorite memory or you can write whatever is on your heart.  And, if you are a "follower" please leave me a 2nd comment so that you can be entered twice!   This giveaway will be open through Monday, June 21st.  I will announce the winner on Tuesday and you will have your note cards by the end of the month!!!

Thank you to all of you for your kindness and support!!!  I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for all of you.

a game

My daughter had a soccer tournament this past weekend.

This girl LOVES soccer more than just about anything else.

And I LOVE her more than just about anything else.

You can probably guess what else.

Watching her play brings me so much JOY!

It's a tough game.

It's a rough game.

No matter where you are on the field... there are people that are after you.

You run as fast as you can.

You perform as many tricks as you can.

When you get knocked down, you get back up.

You run even harder and with more determination than you did before.

Some days you play well...some days you don't.

There's always something to improve upon and there's always another game.


I can relate!

me, myself and I

Tragedy leads to a lot of things.  One of them being introspection.  I have spent a lot of time soul searching lately.  Trying to figure out why my perception of family and friends before Nate's death was so incredibly different than the reality after.  Trying to figure out who I am and what God's purpose is for me. 


The first year after Nate died, I was just going through the motions of life.  I had been rejected by so many people that I loved and admired that the simple act of leaving my house caused anxiety.  I wasn't strong enough to think about anything deep.  I was simply in survival mode.  Trying to take care of my family and trying to prevent more people from hurting us.


The second year after Nate died, I NEEDED people.  I was out of the "fog" of grief and the reality of my life was setting in.  I hated being alone.  When I was alone, images and memories flooded my mind.  When I was alone, I felt vulnerable with God.  When I was alone, I had to be with myself.  I didn't like any of those.  So, I was lucky enough to find a handful of people that were willing to travel the grief road with me.  People that had no idea what to expect or how to help me but they just walked by my side.  My schedule was full.  Very, very full.  I had friends to exercise with in the mornings, friends that would meet me at the park while the kids played, friends that would have lunch with me and friends that would share many lonely weekends with our family.  I liked my schedule.  It was comforting.  I could spend my time with others so that I didn't have to spend time with me and my thoughts.  The only problem with that was that people are not perfect and that's who I was relying on.  The foundation that I attempted to manifest was still not secure. 


Now, I am discovering that my SOCIAL calendar (not my crazy sports calendar) is rather empty...and I kinda like it.  Occasionally, I will meet with a friend but most days...most weeks...I am alone.  That would have been a scary thought a year or two ago.  I didn't want to be alone.  But now I am learning to embrace it.  I don't even attempt to schedule things anymore.  All of my life I have been an initiator.  Now I am just chillaxing (my daughters word of choice).  I am okay doing my 3 mile run alone... that is my special time with God.  I am okay spending time alone at home while the kids are at school...that is my opportunity to tackle projects and finish chores so that I have more time when my kids are home.  I am okay spending weekends with just our family....we are finding creative ways to enjoy one another and make memories. 


I'm not sure if this is good or bad but I realize that I don't NEED people anymore.  I am okay by myself. 

caught off guard

Most days are good. I have to admit that it's such a relief to be in this place. I have lowered most of my protective walls. I have lost almost all of my anxiety. However, there are still moments and events that completely catch me off guard.

Here are a few examples:

• My twins recently brought home balloons from a party.  Instead of playing with them or prominently displaying them in their room, they quickly made beautiful cards and attached them to their balloons. The cards were to Nathan.  With pride and excitement they ran to the backyard, cards and balloons in hand.  One by one, they did a countdown and released the balloons to their brother. This is the way that they connect to him. They make him pictures and attach them to balloons. It's sweet...but it breaks my heart.  This happens frequently, yet I don't know that I will ever get used to it.  This is my "new normal". 
• I am surrounded by babies and toddlers all of the time. They sit next to me at gymnastics, dance class, restaurants, doctors offices, etc.  99% of the time, it does not bother me. Usually, a deep breath and a short prayer is all it takes to ease my aching heart. But sometimes, there will be a baby (or a 2 year old) that really gets to me. It's like I am punched in the stomach and my heart is pulled from my chest all at the same time. The hardest part about it is that it's completely unpredictable. I do not know which circumstances will affect me and which ones won't. I used to exit my house with the expectation that every baby would cause this reaction. I am over that now. But, when it does happen, it is such a blow. And...people don't understand how I could be fine one minute and a mess the other. I guess I can't expect them to understand something that doesn't make sense to me.
• My 11 year old daughter started writing a "book". She asked me to read the first chapter. It was about how she had to make "a choice to rise above the death of her brother".  As I was reading her beautiful words, I felt like I was hit by a train.  The grief struck quickly and intensely.  She was filled with pride when I told her how wonderful it was. But, I left something out. I didn't tell her how much my heart was broken to know that she has had to endure such pain at such a young age. I know that this is our reality. That I am the mother of a child in Heaven. But, I don't know that I will ever be okay with the fact that my children have to go through their life without their sibling. Watching my kids struggle with and fight to overcome their grief is such a challenge for a Mother. I didn't sign up for this. I wasn't trained to do this.
• I love watching The Ellen DeGeneres show on TV. I watch it because it makes me laugh and it allows me to escape the reality of my life for a brief moment.  I was completely caught off guard when she did a segment last week. One of her employees, had a daughter that was born with a heart defect. As the daddy described it...the similarities were almost exact. The baby was whisked away from them soon after birth...put on a ventilator...underwent open heart surgery at CHLA...crashed and had to have CPR in front of the parents... BUT THAT'S WHERE THE SIMILARITIES END. The doctors brought their baby back to life. They got to take their baby home... This was what was supposed to happen to us. This was the way that our story was supposed to end. I kept thinking that I got ripped off. Why did this have to happen to me?
• Running into family members and old friends unexpectedly still throws me off.  I never know what to say.  It's so incredibly awkward.  It's easier for me when I sense that they are uncomfortable too.  When I feel that they feel some sort of remorse for  walking away from us.  I find it hard to be treated like everything is the same now as it was then.  When the "how are you doing" question is asked without effort.  When there is no mention of the fact that we swam 1,000 miles through rocky waters and almost drowned.  When they comment about how big our kids are now and imply that we disappeared from events unnecessarily.  I can't imagine ever being comfortable with those encounters.  I am much better at dealing with them now.  I am much better at not allowing them to prevent me from going places and living my life.  I just don't ever know that I will be good at looking REJECTION square in the eyes.  That one...is always painful. 

I imagine that this will happen for the rest of my life. That circumstances and events will bring back that swell of emotions.  That I will never be able to get OVER Nate's death.  I will always have to get THROUGH Nate's death.  This is just how it is for me.




I work very hard to focus on the JOY in my life. 
I work very hard to invest my time and energy into things are are beneficial for my family. 
I work very hard to be the person that God wants me to be. 


I have to WORK HARD for almost everything.  My life is good... but it's NOT easy.