first day of school...minus one

Just another first day of school.  

New shoes.  

New outfits.  

New school supplies.  

Familiar territory.  Done this before...a lot!

What people don't remember is that there are a pair of feet missing from this picture.

Today is supposed to be Nate's 1st day of Kindergarten.

Big day!
HUGE!!!

Unfamiliar territory.
Never done this before!



Today I walked past the Kindergarten classes.  I saw the Kindergarten teacher that my other 4 kids had.  I remember getting an email from her after Nate was born saying that she couldn't wait until he walked into her class in five years.  

It's been five years.  She is still there.  The class is still there.  But he is not.  So instead, I watched all of the other kids that he should be growing up with walk proudly into their class this morning...holding their sweet mama's hands.  I should be in that class.  I should be holding his sweet little hand. 

Missing that today.  Missing him today.  Even more than usual.



****
Today is a hard day for me.  If you are reading this blog and feel the need to make a hurtful or judgmental comment I ask you to refrain from doing so.  I'm hurting enough already.

$1,470

Love
Love
Love that my kids go out and raise money for this charity EVERY year!

I mean seriously...$1,470 in a week!  And $182 of that came from bake sales and walking around the parks and soccer fields with coolers selling cold drinks.

I doubt that they would have this passion if they didn't lose their brother.  Just one of the gifts that has come from our tragedy.

And another cool thing...my daughter asked our local Chick-fil-A if they wanted to donate $ three years ago. Since then, they have been donating sandwiches to the camp.  They used to feed all the volunteers.  This year they fed all 225 campers AND volunteers.  

Love them!

his first fever...

100.5

Not scary high.

Not "go to the doctor" high.

In fact, barely high enough for my older kids to be sent home from school.

But a 100.5 fever is different now.

I know Mama's whose kids started off with low grade fevers and within 24 hours were declared brain dead...Meningitis.

I have read about Mama's whose kids had low grade fevers and within hours they were face to face with Jesus...rare viruses.

My world is different now.  100.5 has a different meaning.

I survived two days of 100.5.  Sleepless nights...worrisome days. But I survived and was greeted by two more days of no fever.  Zero.  None.  Zip.

Then...

104.8  (night five)...

106.2 (night six)...

102.7 (night seven).

Rocking my sweet (hotter than hot) boy all night long.  Googling "Meningitis" & "High Fevers" & lots of other crazy things that raced through my mind at 2am.  Using the thermometer so frequently that I was expecting the battery to run out.  Visiting my doctor and then emailing him daily...because 106.2 is high - right?

My amazing doctor suspected Roseola...he was right.  Day 8 came the rash (really day 4 - the first fever was a different virus but it all happened the same week).  The wonderful, awesome, everything is okay, my baby is not going to die rash.  So grateful to see that darn rash.  Grateful (and amazed) that his first fever didn't come until 20 months...but it was a long week.



Life is so different now.

I love July!

 

 

It's by far the BEST month of the year!

 

 

Memories

 

that will last

 

a lifetime!

 

Kids

 

that grow up

 

WAY to fast!

 

 Family

 

time

that doesn't come 

 

often enough.

 July 2013 - So sad to see you go!

belated...

Happy 4th!

My favorite day of the year has come and gone.  Luckily...it was a good one this year! 


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I must take a moment to thank some of the special people that read this blog.  I really appreciated the comments that were left in support this past week.  More importantly, I'm so glad to hear that my words and my experiences are helping others.  THAT's WHY I WRITE!!!!

this is my blog...

and I can say what I want.

I'm a pretty private person.  I don't get personal with very many people.  This is the place where I can share my feelings.  This is the place where I am honest about life.  Sometimes they are happy and some times they are sad.  Either way, they are feelings and they are MINE.

I'm not someone that will pretend to be someone that I'm not.
I'm just me. 
I will not portray myself as having it all together.  
I don't.  
I will not talk about how I'm over Nate's death.  
I never will be.  
I will not write about how perfect my life is.  
It's not.

Over the years, I have considered taking this blog down...many, many times.  I have also considered making it private...many, many times.  There are people out there that read this blog that I don't want to.  Some of which I know personally and others that I don't.  Each time these thoughts roll through my head God clearly informs me that this is NOT just about me.  If there is some way that this blog can help someone else who is traveling my path or another one, then it is worth it.  God put us through these experiences so that we can be "REAL" with one another and help one another.  I don't think that I would be of help to anyone if I were to just pretend that I am the same person that I was five years ago.  I don't subscribe to the "stuff your feelings" or "bury your emotions" lifestyles.  That doesn't work for me.  

What does work for me?
Being honest.  Good and bad.  Expressing my struggles.  Allowing people with similar struggles to see that they aren't alone.  That it's okay to not be perfect.  

This blog is NOT where I come to share about my family or my kids.  Sure, I do offer a peek at times but it's not the focus.  The focus is my attempt at "looking for blue sky".   

If this blog doesn't offer a benefit to you then please don't read it.  Just delete me.  Period.  If you still chose to read and you leave a comment that is hurtful, I will delete it but I will pray for you.  Even though you keep your identity secret, God knows...

Hugs to you all!

my club

5 years ago I became a member of the club that no one wants to belong to.  The club that makes non-members uncomfortable.  The club that has a lifetime membership that no one can revoke. 

As much as I don't like my membership, I am appreciative of what being a member has taught me.  Lessons that I would have never learned if God didn't chose this path for me.  People that I would have never met outside of this club.

I ache for the other members.  I find comfort and hope in meeting with or reading blogs from those mommies that are farther down the path from me.  I seek to reach out and provide comfort and hope from those that are just beginning their journey.

Today, I received this from a sweet mommy named Christie who is a new member to my club:

I saw it on her blog and just knew that I had to have it.  I emailed her to find out where I could order one and that sweet mommy whose heart is just broken into pieces right now wanted to "gift" it to me.  Oh how that just melted my heart. I knew exactly where I was going to put it.
 

a

I needed this.  Right now.  THIS WEEK.  

I've been feeling lonely.  Misunderstood.

It's been a few years since I've had a social life.  I gave up the attempt to have close friends after my best friend walked away 3 years ago.  My club membership makes others uncomfortable.  Now I just keep it infrequent and superficial.  But it's lonely.  Life can be lonely without close friends.  A gesture like this is a deposit that I needed so badly right now.  In moments like this, I am grateful to be a member of this club.

Thank you for this, Christie.  You made my day.