It's easier when you have a plan...

Nate's birthday is a week from tomorrow.  Lots of reflecting this time of year.  Lots and lots.  

The time we had with him.  Imagining what type of child he would be.  Thinking about how we got ripped off here on Earth getting to love him...and having him love us back -sigh!

It's more internal these days.  Not too many tears fall.  I just process it on the inside.  My brain and my heart attempting to meet and make sense of something that just doesn't make sense.

As we prepare to celebrate his birth (a monumental day in our lives that will ALWAYS be celebrated) we still do not have a plan for the day.  

Of course it would be easier if we had a plan.  It's easier when you have a plan.

But we don't.  So the uncertainty leads us down a stressful path.

Honestly, I'm not surprised.  Very few things in my life have been easy.  And I'm still here.  I keep getting knocked down...but I always get back up.  It's not my job to understand why.  It's just my job to keep getting back up and becoming a better person every time I do. 

My sweet pediatrician sent me this a few months ago as we received some scary test results:

"... I AM NOT SURE WHY THE LORD CHOOSES TO TEST SOME PEOPLE MORE THAN OTHERS. BUT AS ALWAYS, I WILL PRAY FOR YOU AND I AM ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU (AS YOU KNOW)."

 

We will figure it out.  We will survive.  It's just easier when you have a plan...

 

 

 

Why can't I win?

I have entered EVERY SINGLE Disney contest I can find.  

I enter online...I call into radio shows...I never win.  

Why can't I win?  

Last year, when I wrote to Disney they sent me a wonderful generic letter (read it here) about how I might be able to take advantage of local promotions.  I've tried.  Actually, I've tried...and tried...and tried.  

Why can't I win?

Last week, we thought we had a plan for Nate's birthday.  A connection to get our family into Disneyland for the afternoon.  This week...one text broke that plan up...into pieces.  The connection that we thought we had...the one we planned on...did not come through.  Sigh...  

More online entries.  More calling into 104.3 MYfm.

Why can't I win?

I KNOW God has a plan for my life.  I know He has a plan for Nate's birthday. I guess I just question if I am strong enough to accept His plans.  I want MY plans.  I want to spend Nate's birthday at Disney.  Sigh...

If anyone knows of any other contests for Disney tickets PLEASE let me know.  It's getting close.  I don't have much time.

comfortable?

I sat here reading through past posts a few days ago.  They sounded sad.  I sound sad.  

Got me thinking...am I sad?

I'm not!  Definitively.   
NOT SAD!

Do I have sad moments? YES!

Where do I go when I experience those moments...those feelings?

**HERE!**

That's usually when I blog. When I'm sad.  When I'm struggling.  When I want to talk about Nate and the rest of the world doesn't want to hear.  This is what I use my blog for.

But most of the time...I'm not sad.  Being almost 6 years down the path I'm finding myself pretty darn comfortable with life.  I've learned to live with my grief.  

5 years ago I wrote this post.  
Back then I was drowning in grief - could not keep my head above water.  
But now...now I think I'm more like the amputee.  
I feel like someone unexpectedly ripped my leg off.  
At first I couldn't move.  
I couldn't escape the tormenting pain.  
All day...all night.  
My missing leg was at the forefront of every thought.  
But through the years I learned to walk again.  I still stumble and fall.  
There are still scars.  They will never go away.  
And I will never walk the same as I would if I didn't have my leg ripped off.  
I walk differently now.  But I'm walking.  Surviving.  
Comfortable going on with my life without my leg... comfortable going on with life without my son.

I guess I have finally accepted the life that God chose for me.  I don't always like it.  A newborn baby sitting next to me still causes me to question God "why did you have to take MY BABY".  Thoughts of celebrating Nate's birthday again (without him) still breaks my heart.  And family...ugh - they will NEVER understand.

BUT...most days are blue sky days.  Insanely busy, exhausting days.  But blue sky nonetheless.  I'm going to officially stick the comfortable label firmly on my forehead (I can take it off when it's not a blue sky day).

it's that time of year again...

The start of the new year always brings thoughts of Nate's birthday to the forefront of our minds.  Can you say TRIGGER?

The kids have been asking a lot about how we are going to celebrate this year.  They have their plans set and ready to go.  They include a traditional day at Disneyland with a balloon release and eating at McDonald's.  They also include a VERY non traditional day...they have asked to go to the cemetery and visit his grave.  They have it all planned out...Disneyland on his birthday and the cemetery on the anniversary of his death.

I just nod.
That's all I can do.

We have yet to figure out how we are going to do Disneyland this year ( I have been entering every single contest I can find to win tickets) and I don't even know how I feel about taking all the kids to the cemetery.

My two oldest kids DO NOT want to go to the cemetery...they have made that very clear.  They remember going to bury him.  That was enough for them.  They twins do not.  They have lots of questions.  They want to see for themselves.  Lets just say that the cemetery is not my favorite place.  He's not there...he's in Heaven.  So for me, it's just a sad reminder of his broken little body.

My twins are almost 9 1/2 - the EXACT age that my oldest was when Nate was born...and died.  

Crazy.  

It's a unique experience when you mark the growth of your kids by a tragedy. 

I find myself often comparing them, the experiences that they had and the struggles that they have had to deal with.  Overall, my kids have dealt with this tragedy well.  We have met other families whose kids have fallen victim to self destructive behaviors.  So sad.  For now, we are lucky that we don't have to walk that path.  Prayerful that we never have to.

*****I just read this post and it sounds so scattered...but I am not going to change it.  I'm not going to clean it up and make it sound good.  I'm going to let it stand on it's own.  This time of year I always feel scattered and that's just how I am.  I don't know if it will always be like that.  I just take it one year at a time...and that's okay.

prayin' for a good year...

 Happy

 Happy

 Happy

2014!!!

The start of a new year is always a little scary for me (the new me after Nate died).  I now know how much can change in the span on 12 little months.  

Lots of hopes and dreams for 2014 but really only one prayer that I pray every night... good health...especially for these five. 

Christmas 13

2013 continues to be a year of growth for me (I don't think I'll ever be done growing- ugh).  I have given up on finding the joy in shopping, cooking, baking and all the other craziness that ensues during the month of December.  I'm not the person I used to be.  I keep trying.  But those things just don't do it for me anymore.

Rather...I have found joy in doing little acts of kindness for those that are hurting, donating special gifts to underprivileged kids in Nate's memory, making hot chocolate and driving around for hours looking at Christmas lights with all 7 of us in the car.  The little things.

Most of all, I have found joy in my kids.  I am continually discovering that they are different than most others.  I'm not saying that they never get out of line...HA!  But, I fully expected them to be jealous and angry when I didn't allow them to participate in any of the secret Santa gift exchanges.  To my surprise...they weren't!  They were so excited to go to the events to see what the other kids gave and received and didn't complain about not receiving gifts at all.  Instead, they helped me figure out how to do daily acts of kindness for some of the hurting families around us.  I have to say that brought me the most joy of all this Christmas!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!  XOXO

two

How is it possible that two years have passed?  The second year definitely flew by faster than the first.

I often wonder what God has planned for this little one.  The person that He sent to bring out the sunshine.  Why did God allow Nate to die?  Why did God send us this sweetie pie?  Waste less hours spent trying to understand God's big picture...

I believe that this birthday boy will do great things on this earth.  He is the sweetest, most mellow child that has mature conversations and speaks in complete sentences.  Maybe he will be a heart surgeon --saving the lives of numerous kids so that other Mommies don't have to walk my path.  Maybe he will cure cancer, maybe he will become President, maybe he will become a Pastor and lead thousands of people to Jesus.

Or...maybe he will just lead a normal, uneventful life.  Only time will tell.  But I have a feeling that his purpose here on Earth will be epic.  Just sayin'...

Happy Birthday to my sweet little RAINBOW.  I can't imagine life without you and I'm so grateful that I don't have to.



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Also sending birthday wishes to Nate's angel friends: Preslee and Kevin who also share this special date.  Big hugs to your Mama's.