At present, I am doing a bible study titled Life's Healing Choices. It's perfect for me at this point in my life. As I attempt to heal from Nate's death and move forward, I'm still carrying the baggage of resentment and anger. I'm still hurt by things that our family said to us, did to us and didn't do for us. I still can't believe that they behaved that way. But, I desperately want to put it behind me. I want to move forward. I'm tired of talking about forgiveness...I want to forgive.
I love the book of Job. There are so many good lessons in there. So, this is going to be my prayer for the week -- one day at a time:
Put your heart right...Reach out to God...Then face the world again, firm and courageous. Then all your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more. (Job 11:13, 15-16 TEV)
I am tired of living my life in fear. I'm tired of hiding from them. I want to be in a place where I can have a healthy conversation with someone that stuck a knife through my heart. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be friends with them. I don't ever want to expect anything from them. I just want to be comfortable enough to interact with them without having an anxiety attack.
** As a side note. I took my twins to Disneyland again today as I do most Tuesday mornings (yes I know how fortunate we are). We were lucky enough to get to ride in the front of the monorail with the conductor. During our 6 minute ride, she asked the typical "how many kids do you have" question and I told her about Nate. She was an older lady and she told me that her baby died at 5 months of crib death many years ago. She told me that it does get better but it never goes away.
Just thought that I would share that there are so many of "us" out there. Our fellow club members don't wear name tags and they are hard to identify. But, we are not alone. Many generations before us faced this walk...and they are still walking. It gives me hope!
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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6 comments:
Hope, I love that. I love when I hear stories of a connection between two strangers. I think God has a plan when he does that. I pray for your comfort around the family. I think it is very brave of you to seek being comfortable in their presense. They really don't deserve you.
My 83 year old grandma is a club member too. She was just telling me the other day that she still has not forgotten the son that she lost at 5 months pregnant.
There are too many members here for sure. Even though, it comforts to be able to talk to a stranger who shares the same feelings as you.
hugs,
Christy
There are us everywhere, for some reason it helps me I know I am not alone, and like you said they are still walking.
That bible study sounds like a good one just by the title. I hope that you can eventually learn to forgive. I know it won't be easy b/c of how they have hurt you.
You never who you meet that could have endured such a loss. They are the strangers that surrouund us every day and I think it is encouraging to find them. We know we're not alone. We can definitely have hope from those that are years ahead of us in this journey.
I understand about wanting a conversation without an anxiety attack. I'm a little stressed about dealing with my sister this Thanksgiving because of the pain she caused after my son died. I know I have to keep facing her but it's so hard each and every time. Hopefully we'll both get to that point sooner rather than later. Keep us posted about the Bible study- I'd love to know if you think it has helped with the pain.
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