honestly

I've never been good at being fake.  You may think that's a good thing but it's not always.  Sometimes, I want to pretend to be happy even when I'm not.  Sometimes, I want to have a nice conversation with someone that I don't like.  But those things are extremely hard for me.  I tend to shut down when I'm uncomfortable.  I don't think that I'm mean to them but I don't think that I'm friendly either. 

This blog is the place where I can be truly honest.  I can say what I want and tell you all how I feel.  I don't have to try and pretend about anything.  It's such a freeing feeling.  It's so nice that I don't have to worry about my "friends and family" reading this.  They have no idea that it even exists.

I've thought a lot about honesty lately.  Many times, when I meet another mom that has buried a child, they come across to me like everything is fine and they are not struggling.  It tends to make me feel like a complete failure.  It makes me feel bad that I'm not as "together" as they are and that I should "be over it by now".  Part of me wants to be them.  The person that moves along with life as if their family wasn't just turned upside down by a tragedy.  But, that's not me.  That will never be me.  I cannot pretend that Nate's death didn't change who I am.  I cannot pretend that my heart is not broken.  I don't even want to try.

I think that if I could pretend that life was just dandy, I would have more friends.  People are attracted to the "fun" ones that love life.  People don't typically want to listen to a friend talk about how much she misses her son or how hard it is to live life on a daily basis.  That's why previous generations used to just stuff it and pretend like nothing ever happened.  

When I was reading all of the grief books that I was given I had such a hard time relating to them.  I felt like they "grieved" better than me.  I felt like a complete failure when compared to how the other moms dealt with it.  I felt alone. 

I want anyone who reads this to know how vulnerable I am and I want to be transparent.  I am a real person that watched her son die a horrific death.  I kissed him goodbye and I buried him in the ground. 

I struggle with who I am and who I want to become. 
I struggle with friends who want the "old Trisha" back. 
I struggle with family who don't have a clue about how to relate to my family. 
I struggle with raising my 4 kids who desperately want their baby brother back and don't understand why God won't give us another. 
I struggle with God when He keeps saying no to my prayers.  
I struggle with finding Joy in the midst of heartache. 
I'm a changed person that is finding her way down an unknown path but I still struggle. 

I haven't posted this weekend because I was struggling with what to say.  I've been doing really well on my quest for Joy and didn't want to go backward.  But, in being true to who I am, I want to be honest.  So, I will tell you that I'm glad that Thanksgiving is behind me.  It was a struggle.  I was doing well until my husband blessed the food and thanked God that we were "all together" as a family.  I couldn't believe that he didn't acknowledge Nate.  We will never be together as a family for Thanksgiving and that is why holidays are so tough.  My Mom, who will never understand, replied that her son wasn't with her either (my 36 year old brother was sick and stayed at home).  Hardly a comparison but I should know not to expect any type of support from my mom. 

My husband felt bad and apologized about leaving out Nate.  I think that he just went into autopilot and prayed like his Father always prayed over the Thanksgiving meal.  But, our Thanksgiving will never be as his Father's was.  Our life will be good but it will never be like I want it to be.  And that my friends is the honest truth.