Ever since my last post -- attempting to regain control and step out of my comfort zone -- I have been challenged. I realized that I am okay with challenging myself as long as it's my decision. As long as I am in control. When circumstances catch me off guard, I am not reacting the way that I want to. I am not acting like the person that I want to be.
I started my week off good. I made the decision to buy my niece (only 4 months older than Nate and who I avoid like the plague) a birthday present. We were not invited to the party but I decided that I needed to acknowledge the event none the less. The easy choice (and my baby gift of choice lately) would have been to mail a gift card. I deliberately made the decision to challenge myself and pick out an outfit for her. So, I went to the mall and took time in selecting something that I thought would be appreciated. Upon paying for the items, my sister-in-law walked into the same store (very small world) with the baby. I was trying to be polite and not act uncomfortable but then she commented about how lucky that I was to be out shopping by myself and that she was jealous that I didn't have to drag around any kids. I was caught off guard and spontaneously replied that I would trade places with her in a second. I said goodbye and walked through the mall to my car. The anxiety attack came on all of a sudden -- jello legs, shaking arms, tears, headache. I was overcome with emotion.
If I had known that I would run into her, I would have been prepared. But I wasn't. I'm not good in those situations and it's those situations that cause me to want to hold up in my house where I am protected from the hurts. I can't expect everyone to "get it" but the people that I can now call my friends do. They would never say anything like that to me because they know. Additionally, they would have my back if someone else ever made that type of comment. I wouldn't even have to respond because they would do it for me. But I can't always be in their company. I need to learn how to face these types of situations. I need to learn how to do it well.
In addition to my mall drama, we also received an email this week from extended family inquiring about Christmas gift exchanges. I thought that my husband and I had already decided that we were only going to exchange gifts immediate family but to my surprise, my husband responded to the email agreeing to join in with the masses. I lost it. Again, I was tested on how I would respond to family and I failed. I didn't want any part of it. I didn't want to pick out presents for the babies and I certainly didn't want to get together with them. I'm so not where I want to be.
To top it off, we walked into church yesterday and were greeted by another family member who was church shopping. I was almost paralyzed with fear. I knew the right way to act and I kept telling myself to start acting that way. But I didn't. I couldn't. I was just stuck. Sadly, the message was on living life with God and saying yes to his desires and relinquishing our own control. Boy, was I ever convicted sitting there listening to that. Knowing how I should respond and failing to do it. I just couldn't bring myself to have any type of conversation beyond "hello, it's good to see you". It was one of the longest hours of my life.
The only thing that I can report being proud of was that I had lunch with a pregnant friend on Friday. I have avoided all pregnant people and babies since Nate died. But, one of my friends (who's had a number of miscarriages and a AAA baby) is finally pregnant with twins. I was worried about the interaction but I was totally fine. In fact, I had a great time and I can't wait to do it again. Such a relief -- maybe this one is behind me!!!!!
Bottom line is that I'm allowing my insecurities to define who I am and I'm not giving God my power. I need to do that. I need to change. I feel like I deserve an F this week but as a dear friend pointed out, an F would have been awarded if I would have run away. I didn't run so I got a C. Passing but not good enough. I'm a type A honors student. I want to get an A.
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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12 comments:
I think you are being too hard on yourself. The fact that you are trying new things and trying to change how you view and respond to difficult situations is a big step forward. Nobody is perfect, and in time you will learn to respond the way you want to respond. It is difficult to handle unexpected challenges, and I think you are a doing a great job. Your extended family are the ones getting an F. I am constantly amazed and inspired by your strength and courage.
I was going to say pretty much the same thing Rachel did. Hang in there. I can only imagine that it's going to take a long time. And look at how much you have grown! A year ago you wouldn't have step foot in the mall, so you definitely deserve a big high five for even going, much less picking out a baby outfit. You're doing great!
Hoping to get talk this week...
I am so sorry that you had to deal with your sil. If only people realized some thinks they said.
Like the 2 girls said before - dont be too hard on yourself. You are a wonderful woman and mom.
I am glad you were able to get past hanging out with pregnant women - that is a hard one to pass! Way to go!!
Thinking and praying for you always!
Much love -Angie
I think you're on your way whether you realize it or not. It's a tough road but just taking baby steps is what matters. God sees your heart and knows how much you want to have a breakthrough. Hang in there!
I think you deserve better than a 'C'. You are rising to the challenge, even if it doesn't feel that way!
Ditto to everyone! You are doing an awesome job, you are human and not perfect. You are healing. Small steps! Its hard when people are ignorant I think they deserve a nasty or tactful put them in their place remark (my opinion). I know not everyone knows our situation and can stick their foot in their mouth, but family should. Maybe that is having too high of expectations on people. Strangers you can smile and nod shrug it off and go about your business.
Sorry about the rant! ((hugs)) you are doing awesome!!
I think this is an area where you can take 2 steps forward and then 1 step back. It feels like you're failing but you have still made forward progress. You're doing better than you were and I think that is great. I know you will strive to keep doing better and I pray that when these situations come about that God will be present in your heart and mind.
I give you lots of kudos for doing so well with your pregnant friend! You went over that hurdle so smoothly!! So proud of you!
Trisha,
I hope that you are feeling more like an "A" student this week. I hear you on the feeling as though you are failing at some test being given. I feel tested pretty much on a daily basis. And I feel as though I fail those tests too.
Thanks for letting me know about the story. I figured it was something to do with Mormon because Misty is Mormon. I just thought it was a beautiful story. I had thought about finding a bible verse that correlated to the verse she posted from that Russel person but instead decided to post about enduring our hardships as good soldiers of Christ because that verse really spoke to me. Because we ARE enduring, even if it feels as though we fail more often than not. We are enduring.
Again, I hope your week is going well. Here it has been very cold and rainy and me and rain just don't get along these days. It messes with my emotions something fierce. Hopefully you have brighter, more sunshine filled days.....
Oh my, I can't believe your sister-in-law said that. I wish someone was there to have helped you through that....Because I can't think of a civil way I would have reacted to that situation. She deserved a wake-up call, in my opinion.
Anyway--I think you did okay this week, all things considered. Don't be too hard on yourself, girl. You are so incredibly strong. You have such a methodical way of attacking your life right now that you easily disappoint yourself. Think of you for what and who you ARE. An excellent mother, a wonderful wife, a true friend, an aunt, sister, etc., and then all the things that go along with motherhood and managing a household! You are wonderful Trisha. Hold your head high. You are an A+++ student. Even though I may grade differently than you, you are doing a better job attacking your goals than you give yourself credit for.
Sending you hugs,
Christy
Romans 5: 1-5 (New King James Version)
Faith Triumphs in Trouble
1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope.
5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
You did much better than I would've done!! I think you're right though- it's so much harder when we're caught off gaurd- both in situations like that and when grief just catches us unaware.
Oh, sweet sister...I GET IT. After losing one baby at 15 weeks, another set of twins at 9, and an ectopic pregnancy two months ago in which my right tube was taken, even going to CHURCH is a hard thing for me to do.
It is so nice to know I am not alone. Such a comfort.
I read Nathan's story. Oh, so precious he is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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