conclusion

Every experiment needs a conclusion - right?  So, I'm going to attempt to sum up what I have learned this past week.

I have learned that I am stronger than I feel.  I feel like a broken, rejected and vulnerable 13 year old girl.  I feel like anytime someone says something hurtful, I take it personally and crumble.  I feel like I've been rejected by the masses and there are few people that want to be my friend.  The way that I feel has prevented me from being the person that I want to be.  My insecurities have taken control over me...and I have allowed them to.

Thorough my JOY experiment, I challenged my so called self-talk.  During the week, I made most of my decisions based on who I wanted to be and not how I felt.  I did things that I didn't feel that I could do.  I took charge of situations to ensure that they would have positive outcomes and it felt good.  I didn't realize that I was able to do some of the things that I did and react some of the ways that I reacted until I did.  Sometimes, I shocked myself.

I also learned that I have more people supporting me than I ever thought.  I can't begin to tell you how much I have appreciated all of the comments that were made on my posts and the supporting words that were given to me.  It really kept me going.  I can't imagine what that type of support would have felt like when Nate died.  Really, I can't even imagine.  But I am grateful that I am able to feel it now.  So, to everyone that has sent me an email or made a comment, I thank you.  It means more than you know.

The final lesson that I learned was that I am ready to be joyful.  I mourned Nate's death for 18 months.  I felt every single ounce of pain and experienced every emotion possible.  I lived as a grief-stricken mother.  That was good for me.  I needed to do that.  In the beginning, our counselor told us that it was important to travel through the grief.  If we tried to deny or escape it, it would come back to bite us later.  So, I allowed myself to do that.  I had many people tell me that "I should be over it by now" along the way but I wasn't.  Nothing that anyone said would have ended my season of mourning.  I needed to decide when I was ready and not a moment before. 

Now that I am ready to start living joyfully I recognize that the path will not be easy.  My heart is forever broken from Nate and there will not be a single day that passes that my soul doesn't ache for him.  I am going to allow myself to be sad when reminders hit, milestones pass and dates occur.  I'm just not going to allow myself to live in that sadness.  I'm going to demand more of myself on a day to day basis.  I think that I can do it.  I want to do it. 

Please continue to pray for me and my family.  I don't know that any of us will ever be truly healed and we have many obstacles in our way.  I know that we are going down the right path but it is not a straight one and I can't see where it's leading.  Blind faith my friends, blind faith.