finding JOY - day 7

Test

Today the joy could have easily been sucked away from me.  Two years ago today was "the day" that our lives changed forever.  On November 1, 2007 we were told that our baby "had a problem" during our 20 week ultrasound.  The doctor further explained that it appeared to be a major heart defect and from that moment on...we boarded this crazy roller coaster that we are yet to escape.  Thoughts of *what was supposed to be* were ever present on mind as soon as I woke up.  Important dates are always tough days.


However, today was a day for our family...just our family.  Our schedule is usually very crazy with soccer games, school activities and kids birthday parties.  Today was the first day since Summer that we have had completely free.  So, we slept in...and went to church.  I was feeling good until we walked in the service (a little late) and our Pastor announced that today was a very special day..."It's parent/child dedications"!  I looked at my husband and said "are you kidding me"?  I remember seeing the date in the program but completely forgot about it.  I was caught off guard.  At first, I was ready to just leave but we had already dropped the kids in their classes and we didn't want to disrupt them.  So, we walked out and sat in the lobby for a few minutes.  It was awkward.  I didn't know what I would say if someone asked us what we were doing.  I was preparing my response just in case.  "We're sitting out here because our baby died and we don't want to watch others rejoicing in their blessings" just didn't seem to match with the person that I'm trying to become.  That was what the old Trisha would have thought.  I don't want to think that way.  I don't want to be that person. 

So...this was a test.  I needed to choose differently.  I recognized that but didn't get much farther in my thoughts before our Pastor walked out and informed us that the dedications were over.  I knew that I didn't want to fail this test (though by walking out I already lowered my grade to a C) so I forced myself to go back in.  As I walked into the service, I felt like everyone was looking at me.  I felt like everyone knew why I was coming in late.  But in reality, no one was looking at us.  No one thought twice about it.  So, we sat through the service and listened to the message that God wanted us to hear.  We survived and it wasn't even that tough.  I'm grateful that the day didn't turn and go the other way.  I'm grateful that I'm getting stronger and have more of an ability to navigate my life in the direction that I want.