card

This ended up being our Christmas card this year.  I'm happy with the way that it turned out.  It's always hard for me to start with a blank document and figure out what to do.  Especially when you have a child that's deceased.  It's such a fine line on how to incorporate that...if at all.  I ended up with a card that's right for me.  I can't worry about making other people uncomfortable.  This is my life and YES, it's uncomfortable!!!!

Still hoping and praying that by next year our family will look different.

gift

Yesterday, I received a wonderful gift.  It was from a woman at our church that I was in a bible study with a few years ago. We aren't close...which is probably why this gift is so meaningful.  Here's what it was: 


The kids have been saving for the past year to buy a goat from world vision to help out a hungry, needy family somewhere in the world. We decided to donate this in memory of Nathan to help other children prosper in his name. You are in our prayers this holiday season.



This is expecially meaningful because our family doesn't even speak his name much less do something like this.  I can't even begin to explain how much it means for someone to remember my son.  WOW.  I just love it when people that you don't expect to lift you up actually do.  And it was perfect timing.  Yesterday was a really rough day. 

remembering...

I've been jealous that so many of you have wonderful ornaments on your tree to remember your babies.  I wanted that too.  Last week I was running through the mall and I caught my eye on an ornament.  I was running late for school pickup and shouldn't have stopped...but I had to get it.  This is the ornament that I bought for my son.

I haven't bought anything for Nate with the exception of a few clothes to bring him home from the hospital in.  We ended up burying him in those clothes and I never got to see what they looked like on him.  It feels good to buy something for him.

I was mistaken in a previous post.  I said that we didn't receive any ornaments last year.  We actually received one from the support group that we attended at a local church.  They gave them to us back in July of 08 so I had forgotten about it.  It was very sweet.  It feels good to have it on my tree and know that someone else was thinking of him too!

mailman

That darn mailman has been messing with my JOY this week. Okay, so it's not really the mailman's fault but he's the one that I'm blamin' for the purpose of this post.


I wondered if we would receive Christmas cards this year. I cut my outgoing list down DRAMATICALLY and since we rarely hear from our old friends and family I wasn't expecting cards. But, to my surprise (and I'm not sure that it's a good surprise), we are receiving a few cards a day. Each day I am finding myself feeling like I was punched in the stomach and knocked down as I open the cards.

On Monday I received a card from a cousin that lives across the country and with whom I am not at all close with. She had a baby boy a week after Nate was born. I knew that it would be hard to open her card and see what Nate would look like at 21 months. It ended up being even harder when I opened the card to see that she already has ANOTHER baby boy!!!!  Boy did that one sting.


Then yesterday, I opened a card from my SIL. Let me preface this by saying that I hold nothing against her personally. She couldn't have known. But her card said "wishing you"...and then her kids were wearing shirts with a J-O-Y on them. This past year, I have been working so HARD on finding JOY again. I am finally at the place where I am living it and sharing it. So that's what I put on my card. "Wishing you JOY this Christmas". I haven't mailed mine out and there's no way that she could have known. But I still feel like "that's mine"! I'm the one that has worked so hard and I've earned that sentiment. 


Now I realize that my feelings are well, let's just say lame. I know that. But I'm still feeling them and fighting them. I guess I haven't really earned my JOY claim. Maybe I should be the one to change my card.  UGH!!!


Then today, another card from another family member that said hurtful things and then walked away. It was a family photo that included another baby boy. Oh, it's so hard to see all of these happy families with their beautiful babies. It just makes my heart ache for Nate!!!!

I know that for the next 2 weeks the cards will arrive.  Some will be nice.  Some will be thoughtful and some will sting.  I don't want them to but I know that they will. 

I'm focusing on this verse today because I feel weak:

My gracious favor is all you need.  My power works best in your weakness.  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.

2 Cor 12:9


*** as a side note, I had my Christmas card finished and printed but it didn't feel "right". So, I've decided to add Nate's name to it and say "in loving memory". I just can't bring myself to leave him out. He's part of our family and I don't care what people think. I'll post it when it's done.

Christmas Memories - Walking With You

Sadly, I don't have a lot to share. Last year was our first Christmas without Nate and I was so miserable that I didn't think much about honoring him or creating memories.  I know that I didn't want to celebrate the season.  I waited until mid-December to put up our tree and I only did minimal decorations. It was such a difficult month.  There wasn't much JOY in our home.


I was really sad when we put up all our stockings because Nate's name wasn't there. I wanted to get him a stocking but I thought that was a crazy idea so I didn't tell my husband. Then another baby loss family told us about their stocking and that allowed me the permission to go out and get one for him. I don't know why I needed permission but I have never navigated this path and I didn't know right from wrong. It felt good to see his name hanging from our mantle with our other kids. Some days I stared at it. Other days I avoided looking because the pain was too deep. I liked seeing all our kids names together. One thing in our life was as it should be:  all our kids had stockings hanging over the fireplace.   We decided that we would each put messages in his stocking every year.  I really like that tradition.   It will be a good way to connect our family at Christmas.



This year I plan on buying Nate a special ornament (or 2...or 3). I didn't do that last year and I wish that I did. To be honest, I thought that we would receive some as gifts from friends and family...but we didn't.  Actually, that's not true.  We did receive one but it was from a family member that completely abandoned us so the gift was more bitter than sweet.  

Not receiving any special gifts to remember and honor Nate was just one more disappointment.  One more reason that Christmas was so hard.  There was no tangible evidence that anyone was thinking of us or Nate.  I let that crush me.  So, this year I am going to take control and buy some for him.  I'll let you know what I get.  I'm actually looking forward to it.
 
I'm looking forward to reading about how everyone else is honoring their children. I am hoping to get some good ideas from all of you.

Last Year

Many of my blogging friends have been posting about how hard it is to go through their first Christmas.  As I read their posts, I vividly remember feeling the same way.  I know exactly what they are going through.

Last year, I was in a miserable place. Last year my heart was so broken that it was barely beating. I was so sad that I was begging God to strike me down because I didn't want to get up. I hated my life and I really wanted to die. The pain was just too much for any sane person to handle. I didn't want to go through Christmas without Nate. After all, Christmas is about the birth of a baby boy. And my baby boy wasn't here. It was supposed to be his first Christmas. We were supposed to be watching him crawl around and tear open the presents. We were supposed to take our annual family photo and he was supposed to be in it.

I was determined to create a card last year because it was my only opportunity to have him in it. It was his one and only appearance on our Christmas card. So, I did what I could to honor him and I was happy with the way that it turned out. I decided not to do a mass mailing. Most people probably thought that I didn't even do a card.  I only handed them out to people that took the time to be with us. That wasn't very many people. So I wanted to share it with you.

Christmas 2008

If Nate would have lived, life would have been hard because there is a chance that we would have been in the hospital for his heart defect. But it never would have been this hard. This pain is truly unimaginable.

Last year, we were so alone. No one had time for us. We watched as all our old friends and family chased their tales around during the month of December. I remember thinking how ridiculous it looked and I knew for certain that I used to do the same things.

• Rushing around to buy the perfect presents for everyone I knew at the best price possible.
• Spending hours making sure that my house was perfectly decorated.
• Going to every single party and event that we were invited to.
• Addressing and mailing Christmas cards to 200 of my closest friends and family.
• Making homemade hot fudge to give to the neighbors.
• Making homemade quiches that I would deliver to friends.
• Making dozens and dozens and dozens of Christmas cookies for entertaining family.

I was so busy that I didn't even allow myself the time to enjoy my family or the true reason for Christmas. I was so busy that I didn't realize that I was missing out on what I really wanted my life to be about. God and family.


Last year I realized who I was and who I wanted to be (okay so I'm still figuring that one out). Last year I sat back and only did the minimum of everything. I didn't want to decorate or bake or shop or wrap. So, I only did what was necessary for my kids. I focused on them and let everything else go. It was good. I needed that. It was a sad Christmas but I liked the simplicity of it all. I hope that I never go back to my old way of celebrating Christmas. It was about all the Christmas stuff. I like it better now that it's all about my family and the meaning of Christmas.

11 1/2 hours later

I finished painting my daughter's room.  I suppose that I should have been decorating the house for Christmas but instead I spent 2 days last week painting.  My 11 year old is so happy (and my muscles were so sore).  She didn't like her "pink" room and I had told her that I would re-do it when she went to middle school.  The past few years have crept up on me and now it was finally time.  I'm sad that she's 11 and no longer has her "little girl" room.  But I'm so grateful that she sleeps in her bed every night and I get to watch her grow up.  That is a blessing that most people don't fully appreciate!

By the way...I noticed that by Hot Bliggity Blog background was missing (don't know what happened there) and finally took the time to put a new one up.  I was searching for something appropriate and found this design.  It's called "little boy blue".  I knew that it would be just perfect!